SIZZLER: James Blunt Spits In God’s Face

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JAMESPETRA.JPGIt is one thing when you are a petite, not necessarily attractive man born with the sort of nasal and high-pitched vocal chops most farinelli’s can only dream about. Well, not only does James Blunt, the man voted more annoying than heat rash, possess all of the above qualities… but he’s actually earning tons of money thanks to them. Even more shocking than his money-stuffed mattresses on are the women he beds on them, including his last girlfriend, model and tsunami-survivor Petra Nemcova. While reports of their break-up surfaced last month, the model claims that, even though she may have banged Russell Simmons, the pair are “very much in love.”

So it is with a heavy heart this morning when we read that James Blunt is being accused of cheating on Petra with some hotel lobby hussy named Jenna. James cheating on Petra! The guy wrote two popular songs (“You’re Beautiful” and the chart-topping “Hot Death-Drill in Your Earhole”) and now thinks he can gallavant with just about anyone. Look, Jamesy, for whatever reason, God chose you — a seemingly unremarkable man — to live the dream of so so many others. And you are taking that dream, unzipping your fly, and popping a squat all over it. So before the world burns your hang-dog face in effigy, think before you bang!

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Borat Is Frat-tastic

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boratposter5.jpg1. Now that his movie is doing “Frat Pack” kind of business, will Borat be given his honorary diamond-encrusted beer helmet and Ben Stiller co-starring vehicle, or will he be black-balled on account of the recent legal action taken by the three frat kings he so hilariously ridiculed? – $29 million

2. Since these stupid movies seem to be such a sure thing at the box office, and since they seem to be getting increasingly ridiculous, should we start getting ourselves in gay spirits for Martin Short’s reprisal of his role as the fruity Ice Wizard in next year’s “The Santa Clause 4: Out of the Clauset” – $16.8 million

3. This movie is sort of awesome because it almost seems as if the Hollywood animators are actuallymocking us, all like, “Doopidy Doo, here’s a movie about crap being flushed down toilets and rats in sewers – poo poo pee pee!” – $16.7 million

4. Or, as I like to call it, “Funnier Than Anchorman” – $14.1 million

5. ***SPOILER ALERT*** This movie is f*cking retarded. ***END SPOILER ALERT*** – $6.6 million

SIZZLER: Hugo Chavez’s Hips Don’t Lie

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hugo.jpgJust because the President of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, thinks that President Bush is the devil, it doesn’t mean that he’s all piss & vinegar. Everybody has a weakness. For Mr. Chavez, it’s a certain Columbian pop star whose breasts are small and humble so you don’t confuse them with mountains. From Yahoo News:

President Hugo Chavez welcomed Colombian pop singer Shakira to his country on Saturday and said he may go undercover to watch the hip-shaking superstar perform. “Shakira’s arrived. … Welcome, Shakira,” Chavez said during a televised speech. Chavez said that the other day he’d put on a wig and not even his bodyguards had been able to recognize him. “Maybe I’ll put on a wig and go see Shakira,” he quipped.

Putting on a wig to go see Shakira? Sounds like somebody is just begging to be Lanced.

ICYMI: Please, We Are Begging You To Watch This

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dreamgirls.jpgIt is a rare and sparkling day that we find a legitimate reason to post anything musical theater related here at BWE. But please, don’t stop reading, because you will be rewarded with one of the best live performances ever! One of the most hyped about movies vying for Oscar gold this season is Bill Condon‘s Dreamgirls, the story of a trio of black female singers, their quest for fame, and the complications that result. Those unfamiliar with the plot probably know that Beyonce plays one of the “Dreamettes”. But fans of the musical are much more concerned with the casting of American Idol runner-up Jennifer Hudson playing the pivotal role of Effie, the slightly plump and eventually jilted singer. We’ve always loved Hudson and have been confident in her abilities since the beginning. However an EW article about the film mentioned that the originator of the role, Jennifer Holliday, was a complete powerhouse, and that footage from her legendary 1982 Tony Awards performance of “And I Am Telling You” was available on Youtube. We found the clip, and… wow. It is hands down the most moving live performance we have ever seen. Really, if you’re still with us, watch this clip. And then, for the first time, start to feel nervous for the 25-year-old newcomer trying to fill these bigger-than-life shoes.

ICYMI: BWE Lances Perez Hilton

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If you guys missed last week’s episode of Best Week Ever, and shame on you if you did, you might not have gotten to enjoy this wonderful love-letter to our good friend Perez Hilton. Luckily, we decided to post it here for posterity.

ICYMI: Homer Goes to Hollywood

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Perhaps having realized the lucrative market for animated films in which talking cartoon creatures, voiced by celebrities, have touching and hilarious family-saving adventures, the good people behind The Simpsons finally get around to bringing Springfield to the big screen. Looks pretty funny.

SIZZLER: Not Niiiiiice. Borat Beaten To A Pulp

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borat_1.jpgIt had to happen eventually. In the most inevitable attack on a celebrity since Steve Irwin met a stingray, Sacha Baron Cohen finally got what was coming to him: he got punched in the face:

BORAT star Sacha Baron Cohen was beaten up by a passer-by after he tried to play a prank as his alter ego.

He approached the man and said: “I like your clothings. Are nice! Please may I buying? I want have sex with it.”

But the bystander didn’t see the joke. He took one look at Cohen and punched him in the face.

Who didn’t see this coming? The best part of the story, though, has to be the fact that it was actor Hugh Laurie who stopped the attacker and came to his rescue. House really can do it all!

Read about Borat getting knocked-out here. Reports have yet to indicate whether or not the attacker was Jewish (or if he possessed a Jew-Claw).

While You Were Not Seeing the Russell Crowe Movie…

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  • Victoria Beckham hasn’t drunk water in years because she “hates the taste.” Though we know the real reason is because water causes dozens of little Posh Spice’s to spring out of her back. One more thing to cross of our “Victoria Beckham Might Be a Gremlin” checklist. Like she eats after midnight… please.
  • The real Andy Griffith sues a man who changed his name to Andy Griffith in order to be elected mayor. Funny that no one seems to be paying attention to the town child molestor, Opie.
  • Jude Law is single! Jude Law is single! Oh God, we really wish this would’ve happened before he morphed into a creepy old bald guy.
  • Mick Jagger‘s father passed away at 93 years old this weekend. We hope people are “getting off of his cloud” so that he can rest in peace in heaven.
  • Tobey Maguire‘s girlfriend, daughter of Universal Studios head Ron Meyer, gave birth to a little girl on Thursday, officially making the tyke the richest little bastard in America. Congrats Spidey!

Best of the BWE: K-Fed Ex-ed, Nickname Emerges

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To find out what else happened this week, turn into Best Week Ever tonight @11 and all weekend long!