MEREDITH-ATHON: Willard and Shalit’s Wacky Welcome!

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Since we’re all so obsessed with Meredith Vieira’s first day on Today, which is today, we would remiss you let you miss this priceless little piece of TV, in which winged monkey Willard Scott and moustached munchkin Gene Shalit (who I could just stare at all f*cking day long) welcome Vieira to the show by awkwardly dragging this unwilling Dorothy down their “yellow brick road” (whose destination I really don’t want to know. Check it out!

ICYMI: Justin’s Animalsex/Lovesounds

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Yesterday’s TRL featured a rather interesting segment in which Justin Timberlake, on the show to promote his new album futuresex/lovesounds, is played a series of animal mating noises and forced to identify each sexin’ species. What would have been really awesome is if some prankster backstage would have suddenly cued up audio of Cameron Diaz moaning. Anyway, the fun starts around 1:45 in the clip below. (via The Jane Blog)

SIZZLER: Splitney Houston– Bobby’s Out, Whitney Needs New Drug Buddy

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bobbybrown.JPGAfter 14 years of marital bliss, Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have called it quits. Over the course of their union the couple had one daughter, Bobbi Kristina, and countless dealers.

The question now is, who will they rebound with? In Bobby’s case, it’s rumored that he’s wasted no time and has already moved in with Karrine “Superhead” Steffans. Whitney plans on weighing her options before jumping into anything serious. However, if she can’t find anybody decent, she’s got one hell of a last-resort waiting for her.

Meredith Viera v. Ike Turner: Let the Hazing Begin

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So, as the universe is aware, this morning was Meredith Viera‘s first day at NBC’s Today Show. And they certainly wasted no time submerging Viera in Today’s time-honored tradition of pitting greedy couples against one another to win a free wedding. But leave it to Matt Lauer, hot, sexy, buff man of men Matt Lauer, to let the ritual Today Show hazing kick in and turn all Ike Turner on Viera’s ass. Katie Couric would nevah — NEVAH! — stand for that kinda crap. Nam myoho renge kyo, ya’ll. Nam myoho renge kyo.

SIZZLER: Moby Finds New Cause To Whine About

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Moby-pissed.jpegSure, we all got pretty swept up in last week’s “Suri on the Cover of Vanity Fair” frenzy, but there was one bald vegan ambient music-maker who was not impressed by the very public debut of the cute little Cruisebot. Moby had this to say on his blog:

are you kidding me?
putting your f*cking CHILD on the cover of vanity fair?
are they out of their minds?
[...]
using children as p.r props does disgust me, i have to admit.
in the grand scheme of things fame pales in comparison to family and child-rearing.
i don’t know tom cruise and katie holmes, but i really cannot for a second fathom
the mindset of parents who would sell pictures of their children and use their
children to get better press coverage.
i’m sorry, i try not to be too judgemental, but it’s gross.
[...]
ugh.
moby


Hear that Crazy McSpacecase? Moby’s got your number and you DO NOT want to see what happens when the proprietor of TeaNY gets pissed off enough stop telling us President Bush is an idiot long enough to pontificate the hopless vapidity of our celebrity-obsessed culture. You’re in big pacifist trouble, Mr. Cruise!

Ashlee Simpson Will Likely Neither “Razzle” Nor “Dazzle”

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SimpsonChicago.JPGAshlee Simpson is apparently not done with her full body/slash/image makeover. The young Simpson will join the cast of London’s Chicago as the unflappable Roxie Hart on September 25. And if this accompanying suburban-mall Glamour Shots is any indication, she’s born for the part! Simpson’s casting in the 1920′s era musical follows some other celebrity footsteps: Usher is currently starring in the musical on Broadway until October 1.

Will the “size 0” starlet be able to pull off the role? Our gut instinct says “No”, judging by her other live performances which have nearly always gone horribly wrong. Then again, judging by all of the recent plastic surgery she’s had, who’s to say doctors haven’t replaced her vocal chords with the voicebox used by Conky 2000 on Pee Wee’s Playhouse. Only 12 more days til’ the British tabloids rip her apart…

ICYMI: Tyra Banks and Nicole Richie At The $1 Store

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If the title sounds too good to be true, it isn’t. During yesterday’s mind-blowingly numbing episode of The Tyra Banks Show, Tyra shows Nicole Richie how non-biracial people roll: At the 99 Cent Store. It’s Nicole Richie’s Room 101 (as evidenced by her horrified expression), and makes for cringeworthy viewing. From Tyra pretending to use .99 moisturizer (uch, she reeks of Creme de la Mer, puh-lease), to the elderly racist white woman, to the “Humane Society” expression on the poor cashier’s face, it’s like Upton Sinclair‘s The Jungle meets Phat Girlz. i.e. Enjoy.

Not All Kazakh Men Are Like Borat, Just The Funny Ones

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SachaBaronCohenPA_228x395.jpgWith Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan on its way, Sacha Baron Cohen has once again upset the glorious nation of Kazakhstan. So much so, in fact, that the President of Kazakhstan will fly to the US to talk to President Bush about how Borat makes his country look stupid. Flying across the world to talk about a fictional movie character, however, doesn’t make them look stupid at all. Not at all.

The White House visit may be justified, though. According to a Central Asian Affairs Fellow, Borat is the biggest thing to come out of Kazakhstan since… ever.

“I have found that more Americans are aware of Kazakhstan than four years ago when I last lived in the United States. The increased knowledge of Kazakhstan, however, is not due to the country’s economic successes or its role as a U.S. ally in the war on terror. Instead, most Americans who have heard of Kazakhstan have heard of it through a satire of a Kazakh journalist named Borat.”

Congratulations Borat. We ignorant Americans can’t wait to learn more about your glorious nation come November.