Brad Pitt Set To Upgrade From “Hot & Wealthy” To “Hot & Ridiculously F**kin’ Rich”

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pittcruise180906_228x200.jpgIt’s being reported that Paramount Pictures is going to offer Brad Pitt nearly $40 million to take over the Mission Impossible franchise from Tom Cruise. All he has to do is choose to accept it.

“They’re all set on Brad taking over as a gutsy new head operative who puts together his own unique team of specialists.” Sources say Paramount is prepared to do whatever it takes to get Pitt on board, and is even willing to make him the highest-paid movie star in history, with a salary topping £21 million ($39.4 million).”

Many will balk at the amount of money being thrown Brad’s way, but in actuality it all makes sense. Paramount will once again have their good-looking, sure-thing, can’t-miss action hero, while Brad and Angelina will have enough money to finally buy Africa. Just like they always wanted!

Story via Celebitchy

T-Minus-No-Life Until The Office Premiere

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This week has really opened our eyes to how painfully empty our lives are. Why? Because The Office premieres on Thursday, and we’re having trouble concentrating on anything non-Office related. It’s a horrible addiction. Seriously, we’re at the point where we’ll give h-jobs for random show-related Youtube clips, like Marky Mark in Boogie Nights. So, please, join us as we watch the following clip of John Krasinski and Steve Carell horsing around with E!’s Kristin “What a Lucky” Veitch.

ICYMI: Another 48 Hours

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This vintage 48 Hours segment documenting Nick Nolte’s quest to stay young final transformation into Gary Busey is one of those videos that is just so jam-packed with amazingness that it’s impossible to even summarize. There are some boring bits too, but the highlights – which include a wild-haired Nolte wandering around in his PJ’s, undergoing various medical procedures with electrodes attached to him, teaching us several grim lessons about the long-term effects of cigarette-and-scotch abuse, and playing “Dance Dance Revolution” – make this a clip well worth watching. The best part is this was all filmed before this. (via Fast Hugs)

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Isn’t Horsing Around

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PREGBEERAD1.JPGBrazilian beer brewers Nova Schin is splitting hairs with its depiction of pregnant women enjoying a nice cold (non-alcoholic) beer. According to AdRants, hot pregnant women are the official new “advertising hood ornaments,” and we couldn’t be happier. Because pregnant women are just like us. So what if they have a huge shiny orb protruding out of your midsection, stretching their skin to its ultimate limits, while a tiny, little plasma-covered thing grows inside of them? Pregnant women are young! (Under 50!) And they’re obviously attractive enough — they managed to get seminated! And, if young enough, odds are they’re a little bit slutty! I say let ‘em do keg stands like the rest of us. It’ll help ease them into their drinking problems once the post-partum depression kicks in — and kids love beer pong. (View the other pics here.)

LISTEN UP: Pirated Music

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  • Yeti Don’t Dance is celebrating Talk Like A Pirate Day by posting Lazytown’s “You Are A Pirate!” Download it… for the pirates.
  • Get Down posted four tracks (that belong on) the classic High Fidelity soundtrack, including songs by The Postal Service and Iron & Wine.
  • A Plague of Angels has two tracks off the new Ben Kweller album that came out TODAY. Don’t download them, just go out and buy the album right now. Okay?
  • Like The Killers? Of course you do. Jeddeth has a brand new track off Sam’s Town that you’re going to go grab before it disappears.
  • And finally, a ton of bands are going to be around Baltimore this weekend and Instrumental Analysis posted some tracks to celebrate. A Tribe Called Quest, Electric Six and Scissors For Lefty will all be there. Will you?

CAPTION THIS! Straight Dudes Hangin’ Tough

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Lance Armstrong: Dude, that was an amazing concert.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Seriously.
John Mayer: Thank you guys so much for coming.
Slut: OMG! It’s Jake Gyllenhaal!
John: (Loudly) SO JAKE. Can I have a sip of your water?
Jake: Sure… (Laughs and pours water from his dwarf-bottle all over Mayer’s shirt.) Wet t-shirt contest!
Lance: Oh, somebody‘s chilly!
Slut #2: John Mayer! I am such a huge. fan.
John: Oh, thanks. Wow. Um… actually, I don’t sleep with female fans anymore. It’s “not me”. So…
Slut #2: Oh, Ok, I…
Jake: (Blocks her face with his ginormous bicep) Listen, John, Lance and I are gonna get outta here.
John: Cool, cool. Thanks for coming. (They begin to walk away.) Hey… Lance?
Lance: Yeah, John?
John: (Holds up yellow wristband.) Livestrong, my man.
Lance: (Hold up wrist.) Livestrong.
Jake: (Nodding, quietly.) Livestrong.

(Leave your captions in the comments.)

Rape Scandal Rocks Ron Weasley’s B-Day!

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malfoy.jpgThe British tabloids were shocked by reports of an alleged rape that took place at the 18th birthday party of Harry Potter star Rupert Grint (better known as Ron Weasley). As of now, Grint seems to have taken no part in the incident, which has reportedly inspired money-hungry novelist JK Rowling to finally set about to writing her much-requested post-high school follow-up series to the popular novels, tentatively entitled Harry Potter: After Hogwarts. We’ve obtained this exclusive list of the 7 titles the series will be comprised of.

Harry Potter and the Horniness of the Teenager

Harry Potter and the Slipping of the Mickey

Harry Potter and the Dancing of the Dirty

Harry Potter and the Stumbling of the Victim

Harry Potter and the Ignoring of the Protests

Harry Potter and the Raping of the Date

Harry Potter and the Ruining of the Party

These should be pretty compelling, as an overly hormonal college guy wasted on Guiness is a way scarier villain than some glorified David Copperfield who calls himself “Lord Voldemort“.

ICYMI: The Tickle Me (Down There) Elmo Doll

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Rosie O’Donnell had the honor of debuting the 10th Anniversary T.M.X. Elmo Doll on The View this morning. The “T.M.X.” stands for “Tickle Me Extreme”… and, well, “Extreme” is one way to put it. Because, is it just us, or is Elmo… furiously pleasuring himself into a seizure while laughing maniacally? Seriously, is this some sort of raunchy Sesame Street scandal or what? (Ed. Note: If evil masturbating clowns are not your bag, you might want to skip this video entirely.)

SIZZLER: Everybody Is Kung-Fu Humping

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jackie chan.jpgIt’s a well known fact that several of our favorite actors and actresses began their careers in the porn industry. People like Sylvestor Stallone, Paris Hilton, Jenna Jameson and… um, did we say Jenna Jameson? Well, now we can add another name to the list: Jackie Chan.

Kung-Fu film star Jackie Chan yesterday admitted that he acted in a porn movie 31 years ago, responding to a report revealed by Hong Kong media, Information Times reported today.

The name of the movie, for the curious, is All in The Family. As of now it’s still not available on YouTube, but it shouldn’t take long. Chan, (pictured giving his O-face, right) says the whole thing is not a “big deal”, which does not bode well for Asian men trying to shake that stereotype.