apocBO.jpg1. The Jews are definitely responsible for this movie not making any money – $14.2 million

2. This movie is basically like having a peppermint-flavored chocolate, egg nog & Lithium enema – $13.5 million

3. Could someone please make a movie where the Coca-Cola polar bears go rabid and f*cking maim these f*cking penguins already – $12.7 million

4. Nevermind, I’ve got it. For his next movie, James Bond is sent on a super secret spy mission in which he must penetrate the nefarious syndicate of arctic fowl who are intent on total world domination. His tux could be camouflage – $8.8 million

5. It’s hard to take Hollywood seriously when it comes to movies about the morality of jewelry, but we do respect their humanitarian efforts$8.5 million

ICYMI: Mel Gibson’s (Who Hates Jews) Apacalypto


The edgy comedy writing geniuses over at SNL made this topical Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto trailer “re-cut” by simply placing funny Jew-hating subtitles over the actual preview (which is in Mayan). Even though I feel like I’ve already seen this on the Internet a hundred times (as recently as Friday’s startlingly similar version from Eat the Press), you’ve got to hand it to them for resisting the temptation to have the Mayans rapping.

While You Were Hiding Your Mistress’s Xmas Gift



Best of the Best Week Ever: Not A Single Spears’ Vagina Reference! Oh… wait. No, sn– scratch that.



  • We create a Britney SpearsVagina Hilarity Index, and then the girl goes ahead and ruins it for everyone.
  • Singing in front of large, sparkly, orbular objects makes Jessica Simpson nervous, as evidenced by her 9-to-5 flub in front of Dolly Parton.
  • The Lohanvolution is upon us people. Set your pubes on fire, raise your blackberries in the air, and be adequite!
  • The perfect gift for your ailing Grandmother this Christmas? The Screech Sex Tape, aka The Final Nail In the Coffin II: Is That Chocolate Pudding?
  • Zarf or Mary Cheney? Not as easy as it sounds.
  • The World of Advertising delivers two Christmas miracles! Bad acting and Celine Dion!
  • Easiest way to test for a-holes in the workplace? Announce a Grammy Award pool and see who puts their money into it… aaand they’re the a-holes.
  • And Vince Vaughn tosses Jennifer Aniston for (say it with us) a Stage 5 Clinger. (We have seen Wedding Crashers approx. 514 times on Cinemax over the past 3 months, and are really psyched when given a reason to quote it… so lock it up, for serious.)

Aw.. They Can Adopt a New Third-World Ringbearer



Well, it’s finally here, the wedding you had previously all been waiting for until you decided you didn’t really care anymore: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie! They plan to wed in Africa, in a small village outside of Johannesburg, and don’t think of the wedding so much as a traditional wedding but more of a spiritual affirmation. We think of it as Shiloh‘s Partial Debastardization. This will be the third marriage for Jolie, who spent her previous two marriages tattooing the names of her “eternal loves” Billy Bob Thornton and Johnny Lee Miller across her body. Brad, who’s pocking in at a whopping 43-years of age, only has so many years left on his “hottest man alive” moniker (approx. 35 more years left, to be exact), so we’re glad to see he’s finally settling down before the classic “he-used-to-be-so-hot’s” ring in.

And side note: Oprah is actually invited to this one! We’re sure she’ll give the happy couple a (screamed like Oprah) Reallllly Expensiiiive Preseeeent!!!!

PROPPED: Go Elf Yourself


elf mel.JPGI feel bad for our parents.

Because not only did they grow up in a world without cell phones, plasma screens and Nintendo Wii, but they also grew up in a world without an internet. So they never got to experience online crushes, stalking people on MySpace or Googling ex-lovers. They never had to say “thanks for the add” or “why did you block me?” They never wrestled over whether to update their profile status to “In A Relationship” and they never emailed their favorite music bloggers to thank them for a great mp3. But perhaps the saddest thing of all… they never experienced the joy of taking a picture, putting it on the head of an elf and then watching it dance around like a maniac.

Sillyolblair dropped a link to Elf Yourself, OfficeMax’s holiday gift to the world. Go have fun. I totally elf’d the s**t out of Mel Gibson. Check it out here.

Got something you want us to see? Drop it now!