(Click on pics for EXCLUSIVE blown-up screen grabs of the full story.)
Holy Couch-Jumping Heterosexual Thetans, Batman!!!
Life & Style Weekly is running a cover story on the demise of the (literally) star-crossed relationship between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes! The ramifications of this news are unthinkable – our very existence might be hanging by only a few fragile threads of sensational tabloid fodder!
Multiple insiders confirmed the story to Life & Style, with one longtime friend of Tomâ€™s saying: â€œTheir relationship is basically over.â€ Another friend adds: â€œThey both agreed that the marriage wouldnâ€™t work and they wanted to end it before they learned to hate each other.â€
The insiders say that Tom, 43, and Katie, 27, plan to keep up the charade of a romance until after their babyâ€™s birth this spring.
Could it really be true? And if so, why in the name of Xenu do we have to find out about this on VALENTINE’S DAY???
UPDATE: We’ve got footage of Oprah telling Tom she’s mad that he lied.
Well, the Swimsuit Issue is up on SI’s website, and after looking at it for several hours, I realize there is something wrong here. No body paint pictures? No, they’re there. Topless group pictures of all-star models? They’re there too. Kid Rock video? Of course it’s there as well. What’s wrong is the Maria Sharapova gallery. She looks great, of course, but what makes her so attractive to people is not only that she’s pretty but that she can play tennis better than just about anyone. It’s her skill that sets her apart.
I think it’s nice to celebrate the beauty of athletes, but if you take them off the court and put them in bathing suits like the rest of the models, they just look like regular people (well, really attractive people). Of course, I could be wrong, so I better go do some more research.
When I first heard that Vice President Cheney accidentally shot one of his Republican cronies in the face while hunting, my thoughts and prayers immediately went out to…Jon Stewart and the Daily Show, asking that they might handle such an extraordinary event with the wit and brilliance of which they are capable. Those prayers were answered.
After last night’s thrilling 2 hour episode, it’s down to two lucky ladies vying for the heart and the manly meatiness of Travis Stork. Now it’s a toss up between kindergarten teacher Sarah Stone and LA hispter Moana Dixon. While Stork and Stone share as much chemistry as a 6 year-old and a bowl of fiber-enriched nutri-grain cereal , Moana seems poised to take the (beef)cake. But after a quick google search and the discovery of Moana’s My Space page, we now think otherwise. After the jump, we investigate Moana’s page for signs of heartbreak.
The Corpus Christi Caller Times (they broke the story) has a reenactment of the Cheney shooting. George Gongora, an "avid shooter" fired at a paper target 30 yards away. Here’s the result:
"We can pretty much see that at least over 200 BBs have touched this area right here," [George] Gongora said, motioning to the face and torso area of the target.
There’s video too! (No lawyers or Republican donors were harmed in the making of this film.)
Apparently it’s stomach cramps (includes video). Is there another baby on the way? More info as the story unfolds…
Tony has a "special surprise Valentine’s Day guest" – and boy is he excited to find out who it is!
Now that the time is once again upon us when we have to pretend to enjoy "sports" such as curling, bobsledding and cross-country skiing, you might find CRACKED’s Guide to the Winter Olympics helpful and informative when trying to maintain coherent conversations with your co-workers about last night’s biathalon matchups.