Texting PETA: WHERE R U?

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Dear PETA,

While you’re busy splashing fur-bedecked magazine editors with red paint and insisting that chickens each be handed a plush studio-cage, there are live animals – LIVE – who are being tortured out in the open, for all the world to see, and you guys don’t intervene. Look at this pug held by Paris Hilton, clearly being squeezed to death both physically and intellectually. Either this lil’ guy has Graves’ disease, or it’s exhibiting classic “warning signs” in the realm of “I only have a few more hours to live.”

For God’s sake, the pup even tries to slap her himself — and fails.

Please, unzip your bloodstained cow costumes, take a long look in the mirror, and hotfoot it to LA where hundreds of toy animals are experiencing this torture on a daily basis.

Sincerely,
The World Including, But Not Limited To, Blind People

ICYMI: Top Secret! Republican Campaign Ad

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When you woke up Monday morning to discover that North Korea is testing real working nuclear weapons, your mind might have been sent reeling with all the fears and questions such a scenario presents. Well, if there’s one person who understands the nuances of global military conflict and diplomacy, it’s the man who brought us Airplane!, Top Secret!, The Naked Gun! and the last 3 Scary Movies(!). Yes, screwball film director David Zucker made a campaign ad outlining all the vaudvillian, slapstick ways in which the Democrats (namely, Madeleine Albright in drag) have single-handedly allowed evil to thrive in the world. For some reason, the Republicans never chose to run the ads, but thanks to the wonders of YouTube, we can all enjoy it here to today. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you just might learn something. But mostly you’ll cry.

While You Were In Serious Need of Some Publicity

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  • Tara Reid admits to having “botched implants” and “liposuction”, yet still holding out on “a problem”. I guess you gotta save something for the next “magazine cover confession”.
  • Madonna’s adoption of an impoverished African child shameless, unoriginal, increasingly desperate ploy for our continued attention has finally been confirmed and made official. What? You still don’t care?
  • Jessica Alba: “I don’t do nudity.” Every Man (and Lesbian or Bi-Curious Woman) In America: “Come on, please!?!”
  • One of Malibu Gibson’s bestest drinking buddies has reportedly been charged with molesting two 12 year-old boys aboard a cruise ship. When asked for comment, Gibson condemned pedophilia, but showed some support for his friend by adding, “Though I suppose there are worse things in the world…like JEWS!”
  • Zach Braff says his sex scene with Rachel Bilson in The Last Kiss was “fumbling, awkard, elbows everywhere”. Little tip, Braff: it’s a whole lot easier when you’re not trying to symmetrically position a camera in front of you to stare at while listening to Sufjan Stevens and crying.

Best Night Ever: Tuesday, October 10th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, October 10th! Dan Hopper is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Dancing with The Stars, Law & Order and Nip/Tuck!

…OF THE DAY

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  • KNIGHT RIDER: Sister, Sister star Brandy has fallen for… Project Runway‘s Michael Knight! Sure, it’s likely 99 percent fake, but aww! (Star Magazine)
  • CONTRADICKTING HEADLINE: “Scarlett Johansson takes two HIV tests a year but says she’s not promiscuous.” Well, we take one every month and haven’t been laid since the Kennedy Adminstration, so who’s to judge. (The Daily Mail)
  • COLONIC: Bo Bice has emergency intestinal surgery. This is like Barbara Streisand getting a nose job, folks. (People Magazine)
  • MOTHER: Suri Cruise ain’t even a year old yet, and already Katie Holmes wants to have another baby. How could she possibly stand another 16 month pregnancy? (Female First)
  • DELETED SCENE: Want to know why Evan Almighty is becoming the most expensive comedy in the history of film? (Even surpassing the big-budget Harold Lloyd epic pre-talkie Safety Last?) Well, judging by the deleted scenes from Bruce Almighty, pyrotechnics might have something to do with it. (Defamer)

THE DAILY DOUCHE: Gross-Out Cinema

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QTdouche.jpgThe most disgusting sentence, and accompanying mental image, we’ve seen all day has to come from this Page Six item, describing the puppy love between director Quentin Tarantino and his newfound paramour, “Hot Young Asian Woman”:

At the after-party at the Hollywood Roosevelt, the woman “tripped and fell flat on her face.” She later sucked Tarantino’s fingers while he ate sliders.

The word you’re looking for isn’t actually a word – it’s the sound of you hurling tiny hamburgers all over the keyboard in front of you. That’s why a certain Reservoir Horn-Dog is today’s Daily Douche.

CAPTION THIS! Mel-O-Drama

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“No, I’m glad we’re doing this too. Now, do you have any more questions SugarTits?”

Obviously we can’t wait for Mel Gibson’s interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC. What do you think he’s going to say? Leave your Captions in the Comments now!

ICYMI: Like Something Out of an Adorable Nightmare

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We’ve never been huge bunny people, not since our roommate in college brought one home, only to discover it was pregnant, and then to watch it give birth to a still litter. But we can’t deny that we crack up laughing every time we watch this Skittles Commercial, featuring an operatic singing bunny and a veeeeery familiar voiceover artist… oh, no, we just tasted the rainbow a little bit in our mouth.

With thanks to Bex Schwartz!

THE DAILY HASSLE: Hoffoween Hoffstumes!

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Devil.jpgSpeaking of Halloween Costumes, your friends here at BWE contributed our own idea to AOL’s annual list of Celebrity Halloween Costumes. And who else would we have suggested other than He who makes our lives Hoffish week in and week out here on this little blog of ours? It’s never too early to start planning your get-up for the big night, which is now only about 3 weeks away. Dracula, Wolfman, Frankenstein and the rest of The Monster Squad have been done a bajillion times (except for Scary German Guy, who’s always an excellent choice), so it might be time to think about dressing as something truly scary, like the Olsen Twins. So check out AOL’s site for our Hoffoween Hoffstume and some other truly monstrous suggestions.

More Like Hallo-Teen… Pregnancy

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AMERICANIDOLTODD.JPGHalloween is one of the most joyous times of the year for Pagans: It’s the one day slutty older women show their true colors, the one day plushophiles can fulfill their fetish outdoors, and a day when morbidly obese children can eat candy in the open rather than binge eat in hiding as per yoozh. In addition, the littlest ones can dress up as their favorite cartoon character, neighborhood hobo, ghost, or something else equally innocent…

OR SO WE THOUGHT. Apparently, dressing up like a slutty old lady has now infected even the tiniest of girls. Because now, young “ladies” can dress up like an American Idol contestant, replete with tacky tops, fishnet sleeves, flared pants and platform sandals marked with the American Idol insignia.* And the best news? Now your toddler can look like the littlest failure in the country! But don’t fret, fellas, Clay Aiken is available also. Our one real problem is that nobody seems to offer a Bo Bice costume… oh, no, wait… never mind.

*Mini-side-note: What is the world coming to?