Best Night Ever: Tuesday, September 26th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, September 26th! Alan Noah is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Dancing With The Stars, Law & Order, and Nip/Tuck!

…OF THE DAY

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  • NOT-SO-GOOD THING: Martha Stewart says she’d like to have Eminem as a guest on her show. Maybe he could even share his famous recipe for Wife-Beaten Eggs! (Yahoo! News)
  • SWEET, SWEET REVENGE: Limewire is turning the tables and suing the RIAA. Download THAT, b*tches! (Consumerist)
  • COMING FROM BEHIND: Clay Aiken bumps Justin Timberlake from the top…of the charts! (Idolator)
  • SNAPPY COMEBACK: Personally responding to the people behind “RachelRaySux.com” in an Esquire column, Rachel Ray threatens to start a site of her own called “you know what YOU suck.com”. (Esquire)
  • IMPROVEMENT TO HBO-RING: This parody of Entourage, entitled Group of Guys, is funnier than even Ari’s most well-timed racial/homophobic slurs. (MollyGood)

ICYMI: Apple’s Apocalypto

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If you’re terribly bored and feeling like your daily levels of Mel Gibson Insantity are a little low, you can go to this Apple Trailers page, click on the smallest HD version (480p) of the TEASER, pause at 1:46, and click frame-by-frame (using right arrow key) until you come across this little shot of a Wild-Eyed Gibson hanging out with a few of his Mayan friends that could only be the handy-work of some wise-ass editor (perhaps of Jewish descent?) with an axe to grind. Oy vey!

BWE PHOTOSHOP CONTEST: Billy Bob’s Board For Scoundrels

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School For Scoundrels starring Billy Bob Thornton, Napoleon Dynamite, and a slew of amazing comedians (including David Cross, Sarah Silverman, and our very own Paul Scheer) opens this Friday. To celebrate, we’re holding a little photoshop contest.

Click below to get a Billy Bob/ blackboard picture to work with. Then send your creations to contests@bwe.tv. Nothing is off limits. We’ll post some of our favorite ones throughout the week, then on Friday we’ll hand out a prize to the best of the best. So get to work… and good luck, you scoundrels, you.

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REVIEW: Liquid Cocaine: Cayenne You Say Nasty?

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COCAINECAN.jpgWe here at BWE were lucky enough to sample the not-yet-released Cocaine in a Can, and wanted to give our opinion on the only legal, liquid alternative to powdered heaven. The drink claims to be 350 times stronger than Red Bull, and lasts for up to 5 hours. Upon first can-cracking, it smells like cherries, and when poured, resembles clown piss. While it has been described as tasting “like a Jolly Rancher”, we had a different take. Our reactions evolved from “Oh God, it burns” to “(hysterical coughing)” to “I can’t… I can’t feel my chest… it’s on fire!” Yes, what the creators of Cocaine in a Can won’t tell you is that its main ingredient is cayenne pepper (or some much cooler “illegal” pepper). 30 minutes later, our mouths are still burning. This is perhaps an attempt to recreate the “drip” we’re told snorting cocaine causes, albeit in a completely opposite fashion.

But what’s a little “my face is exploding” for the inimitable paranoia that comes along with a night of rail-blowing? Translation: Does this crap get you high? Well, let’s see… We’re currently typing at 200 words per minute while constantly checking over our shoulders for celebrities/ex-boyfriends. And our teeth hurt. And, no lie, our chests our still burning. But we’re not looking any skinnier, that’s for def. And our co-worker, who is “sensitive to caffeine”, has a splitting headache. (Note to self: Do not drink cocaine @ work.com)

Keep reading for the verdict!

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LISTEN UP: 3 Is The Magic Number

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  • Pop Tarts Suck Toasted has three tracks off the new Killers album that comes out next week. Head on over there now to download “Sam’s Town”, “When You Were Young”, and the unfortunately titled “Bling (Confessions Of A King)”.
  • Idolator has three tracks from Outkast’s Idlewild.
  • Water All Around has three tracks from Ben Kweller’s new album, cleverly titled Ben Kweller.
  • Jeddeth has fallen in love with The Features and is posting three tracks today, one off Exhibit A, one from their new EP, and one track that’s never been released.
  • And finally, My Music Trivia has three tracks from Blur, including the classic “Girls & Boys”. Dance your ass off.

SIZZLER: Is Tori Spelling Preggers?

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71869207.jpgAccording to ubiquitous fly-o-the-wall Perez Hilton, Kathy Griffin has broken the news that (friend? fellow d-lister?) Tori Spelling is pregnant, we assume thanks to husband Dean McDermott. While the news isn’t official yet, we happen to peruse some recent photos of Tori, and we definitely notice a unusual belly protuberance from the normally stick-thing Spelling. She’s also been sporting maternity wear, folks. This worries us: Seeing as Tori is out of her billionaire father Aaron Spelling‘s will, how on earth will she afford the Gucci bassinet, chinchilla diapers and the illegal-nanny farm the family has been using for generations? We’re willing to give her $20 for first dibs on the baby pics, and she should be grateful for the offer.

In other baby news, Katie Holmes is laying down the common law with baby daddy Tom Cruise: You wanna ‘nother kid, you bettah put a ring on this finger! Katie refuses to have Tom’s second child until marriage. Right on, Dead-Eyes Watson! It’s never too late to be a lady.

SIZZLER: The Coreys ARE BACK!

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coreys.jpgAccording to our good friends over at TV Squad, The Coreys (those of Feldman and Haim fame, obviously) are back in the saddle and returning to their rightful place on the small screen in a new show for the A&E network entitled The Coreys: Return of the Lost Boys. The show apparently “aims to update viewers on just what Corey Haim and Corey Feldman have been up to over the last 20 years”, which leads me to believe it will mostly consist of Blown Away outtakes, Surreal Life re-runs, audio clips of Howard Stern making fun of Feldman, and testimonials from Haim’s various crack dealers. My TiVo is so horny right now.

The Complete Guide to Excellent Knock-Offs

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ROLEX.JPGLook. We’re not condoning that you purchase knock-offs and counterfeit goods. We think it’s tacky and illegal. What do you have to prove, big guy? That you can afford a Rolex Yachtmaster on your Arby’s Drive-Thru salary? And you there, girl, with your fancy expensive bags and Cuban cigars… who are you impressing? Certainly not me. No, I prefer shoes made out of bicycle tires and bags fashioned out of a boot and some twine.

However… if you wanted to go ahead and purchase this highly fashionable contraband, Radar Online puts together an extremely thorough directory of where to go for such fakey items, as well as the quality of each. Who knew you could buy a Ferrari at the cool bargain price of only $27 thou? See you later, college education for my children-ater.

ICYMI: Found In Translation

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The jokesters over at CRACKED released another one of their “5 Most…” lists yesterday, this one involving “Ridiculous Celebrity Cameos In Japanese Ads”. Buried deep within this bit of comedic whimsy, we found the following nugget of Charles Bronson badassitude, in which the star of Death Wish shills for a mysterious Japanese product known as MAN DOM: