While You Were Drinking and Driving in Malibu

by

Ashton_Kutcher_Demi_Moore_553051.jpg

  • Ashton Kutcher claims that he and girlfriend Demi Moore never get into arguments. Probably because the last time they did, she ended up grounding him for a week with no TV.
  • Brandon Davis drunkenly got onstage at a Paris Hilton promo event to make some more lame “firecrotch” jokes, yet again. He’s sort of become the Dexys Midnight Runners of sucky pseudo-celebs, now reduced to traveling around to casinos and bar mitzvahs, doing his “Come On Aileen” for anyone who will still listen.
  • I don’t know what’s funnier about this video: Kelly Clarkson drinking Jack Daniels onstage with a bunch of Metal dudes. Or a bunch of Metal Dudes doing standup comedy onstage.
  • An 11 year-old girl was crowned the first winner of America’s Got Talent last night, beating out freaks, fairies, jugglers and the distracting gloriousness of The Hoff’s watchful gaze.
  • While promoting her crappy new album, Paris Hilton has been giving impromptu motivational speeches, telling young girls they should not sleep around, which is the equivalent of Kieth Richards showing up with one of his famous Rum & Loritab punch drinks and telling you not to party.

Best Night Ever: Thursday, August 17th

by

It’s Best Night Ever for Thursday, August 17th! Dan Hopper is here to walk you through the best of Thursday night tv, including Queer Eye, Haunting, and America’s Got Talent!

…OF THE DAY

by

rappereve.JPG

  • BREAKUP: Eve breaks things off with her African dictator boyfriend, Teodorin Obiang, after discovering his father is a cannibal. And I didn’t want to say anything, but her ex-boyf totally just e-mailed me about some cash that’s locked up in a Swiss bank account. And what’s wiring $75,000 to a real-life Prince for love, people? (NY Daily News)
  • LOVER’S QUARREL: Brad Pitt tells Angelina Jolie that a part of him will always love Jennifer Aniston. It’s the same part of him that longs to spoon with Ross Geller. (The Bosh)
  • BEST HEADLINE: “Haley Joel Osment Officially Charged With Murder Of 11-Year-Old Saturn” (Defamer)
  • UNNECESSARY MATCHBOX 20 UPDATE: Rob Thomas steps his douche factor up a crotch, writing songs for American Idol reject Chris Daughtry‘s album. (MTV News)
  • GIFT IDEA FOR THE OBESE: Jared “The Subway Guy” debuts his new book Winning Through Losing. It’s a tale about how this fat dude discovers coldcuts and a treadmill, and includes a 17-foot-long centerfold that doubles as “fat pants”. (Adfreak)
  • CARCASS: Star Jones found dead in Maine? Oh, I… I see. Never mind. (AP #1, AP #2)

ICYMI: So You Think You Can Read a Cue Card?

by

So You Think You Can Dance named their winner last night, a weak-chinned doozy named Benji, whose hobbies include soft-shoeing and over-emoting. While the following video of the big finale is a little amateur porny, there are a few things that remain clear: This is the high-point of Benji’s life, this is the high-point of Benji’s Dad’s life (he’s the one carrying the portable LCD ticker that says “All About The Benji’s!”), and most importantly, Celine Dion knows how to read.

Sharon Stone and Garry Shandling: Whaaaaat?

by

Shandlign.JPG

Most gossip sites wouldn’t care to post this, but we find it so mind-boggling, so beyond our wildest dreams, we couldn’t not post it, nor not use a double negative while doing so. Garry Shandling and Sharon Stone… an item? They were spotted having a quiet and relaxed looking lunch with each other (code for: we’re in love!) In the meantime, we’ve been whistling The Garry Shandling Show theme song since the show went off air — so it’s good to see the guy still palling around.

X17 Online has more photos of a suspiciously glowing Stone. So are they just chums? Or something more?

SIZZLER: Mel Gibson Reaches Plea Deal

by

GIBSON123.JPGHarvey Levin of TMZ.com just broke the news of Mel Gibson‘s plea deal on CNN. Here is what he reported:

Gibson pleaded no contest. He’ll be under probation for 3 years. He’ll attend AA for one year, 5 times a week for the first 4.5 months, and 3 times a week for the rest of the year. He has a handful of smallish fines ($1200), and will star in a public service announcement about the hazards of driving under the influence. In addition, his driver’s license has been suspended.

While Mr. Levin said that this penalty was pretty standard for a DUI, dare we say they seem a bit… harsh? How can he film Mayans warring in Mexico is he has to go to AA every night?

JonBenet Becomes Hot Ticket in Young Hollywood

by

Dakotes.JPGThe recent arrest of JonBenet Ramsey‘s real killer has brought to light two things: 1. O.J. Simpson‘s quest to find Nicole’s killer is totes “game on”; and 2. While this is certainly a terrible tragedy, we have to think that someone, somewhere, is already working on The JonBenet Ramsey Story. Because, whether you like it or not, little girls strutting around like 45-year-old prosties sells.

So while it may seem too soon, you have to wonder… who is going to play JonBenet? We batted a couple of ideas back and forth (Little Miss Sunshine‘s Abby Breslin, while adorable, doesn’t have the maturity to pull the role off). Then we realized there was a simple, one word answer: Dakota. Dakota Fanning, so desperate for an Oscar that she’s already willing to get raped on tape, would make an excellent JonBenet. Sure, she’s twice JonBenet’s age, but she could easily tie sneakers to her knees and CGI out her calves, like a veritable “Dorf on a Child Murdering Spree.” Or perhaps her younger sister, 8-year-old Elle Fanning, is available. She’s so tiny and easily exploitable!

As far as JonBenet’s killer is concerned, Defamer has this one all bagged up: Dylan Baker.

LISTEN UP: A Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

by

thecure.jpg

  • Silence Is a Rhythm Too samples the goods from the recent double disc re-issue from The Cure. Misery has never made me so happy!
  • Brooklyn Vegan has tracks from the clap-happy rockers Takka Takka, which makes sense since they’re about to go on tour with Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.
  • Muzzle of Bees serves up a couple filets from Catfish Haven, who apparently blew everyone’s drug-addled minds at this year’s Lollapalooza Festival.
  • The Yellow Stereo is previewing a bunch of new albums, including the latest from my ex-roommate, the immensely talented Kaki King.
  • Head over to Pop Tarts Suck Toasted to grab tracks by Viva Voce and Silversun Pickups, then let me know what the hell all the buzz is about.

PROPPED: Sam L. on the Motherf*cking Daily Show

by

In all your breathless anticipation for tomorrow’s long-awaited release of Snakes on a Plane, tide yourselves over with this clip, dropped by reader jenparker, of Samuel L. Jackson on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, discussing how such a film could ever come into existence, how he feels about its director and a clip featuring the already-classic “I’m sick of these motherf*cking snakes on this motherf*cking plane” line we’re all so desperate to see.

Don’t forget to drop us off some more of these motherf*cking links so we can put them on the motherf*cking blog!