Best Night Ever: Monday, November 27th

by

It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, November 27th! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including The Bachelor: Rome, How I Met Your Mother, Studio 60, and Wifeswap!

…Of The Day

by

jessica_simpson_nipple_slip.jpg

  • COMPLETE BULLSH*T THING WE WISH WERE NOT: A Jessica Simpson sex tape. Riiiiight, and be sure to look out next week for the Jessica Alba/Biel/Simpson lesbian 3-way video. Besides, everyone knows Jessica’s dad only shoots stills. (Gullible Bloggers)
  • VAN DAMMIT: Jean Claude Van Damme will not be starring in Rush Hour 3, which means we will not be seeing Rush Hour 3. (Empire Online)
  • CASUAL ENCOUNTER: Some Fortune 500 CEO gets understandably blackmailed by a hot young thing he met on Craigslist. (The Smoking Gun)
  • HARD TIME: OJ Simpson isn’t nearly as good at golf as he is at murdering people. (TMZ)
  • PORN FOR PARIS HILTON: Here’s how cocaine is made. Keep hoovering it up, kiddies! (Cityrag)

Douche Driving

by

daily douche-fabianb.jpgFabian Basabe – an NYC breath-waster you probably don’t remember from his “filmed account of staggering douchebaggery” reality show that came and went last year on late night cable – was arrested on Thanksgiving for drunk driving his way around the Upper West Side. As if endangering the lives of (relatively) innocent people by tooling around in his unnecessary Hummer completely sh*tfaced wasn’t douchey enough, Basabe is blaming the “bumbling” cops for targeting him because he’s famous. First of all, Fabs – you’re not famous. Just because you happen to be a repulsive enough specimen of humanity that the E! network mistakenly thought it might be funny to follow you around with cameras, does not mean that you’d be recognized by anyone outside of insomniacs, gay hairdressers and people whose TV is broken and permanently stuck on E!. Second of all, if you simply HAD to get wasted and drive around Manhattan, the least you could have done is pulled a Lizzie Grubman, headed on down to the Meatpacking District and crashed your land tank through the front doors of Marquee, Bungalow 8, or any of the other moron magnets full of people who should be put out of our misery. So despite all the fame and fortune you’ve deluded yourseld into thinking you possess, it’s time for you to sober up, Champ. And the first step is admitting that you’re today’s Daily Douche.

Jared Leto Not Too Punk & Edgy To Help Out a ‘MySpace Celebrity’ In Need of a Velvet Rope Savior

by

jaredtequila.JPGOne of the greatest pleasures of this job is getting to observe TMZ’s footage of the little One Act plays performed nightly at the velvet rope outside of Hyde Nightclub, in which some J-lister tries lying and name-dropping their way into Hollywood’s hottest place full of idiots. In this edition, prior to a 30 Seconds to Mars after-party, Tila Tequila, despite having a bajillion MySpace friends, gets repeatedly “shot down” (pun!) by Bouncer McMoustache. After her best efforts to convince him that Jared Leto is “her boyfriend” (even whipping out her Sidekick of Truth to proudly display a “cum 2 hyde & do me” text message sent to her by the manscara-wearing rock wannabe only minutes beforehand) prove unsuccessful, Leto himself shows up moments later and valiantly offers Tila a spot on his goth coattails as he sashays into the totally dark and mysterious dance club to drink Red Bull & Blood cocktails. For a guy who hates bloggers so much, we’re glad to know that his malice doesn’t include those bloggers who blog about pouring vodka on their tits. Also, we’re surprised Jared didn’t have his 30STM after-party in the basement of the parents of one of the message board fans he cares so much about? But I’m sure the “Echelon” kids were on the list.

ICYMI: This Is What It’s Like When Worlds Collide

by

Check this out: Homer does his best Ali G impression on The Simpsons. It’s cool and all, but now I’m hoping for a Bart/Borat mash up. Or Ned Flanders and Bruno. Well… as long as The Simpsons never goes off the air, I’m sure they’ll get to it eventually.

Unemployment Check: Erik Estrada Is Still Working In Television

by

I know that CHiPs star Erik Estrada doesn’t really work at The Ellen Degeneres Show and that this was just a bit. But I’d like to pretend it’s real. I’d like to pretend that Ponch really is the floor producer for a daytime talk show and that he really is there day in and day out. So pretend with me. Let’s keep the dream alive.

GAMES: Pop Culture Mind Reader

by

TVMOVIESQ.JPGWhen we first saw that kind of annoying commercial for a handheld version of 20 questions, 20Q (“The Game That Reads Minds!”) we scoffed. 1. Why would you need to hold that in your hand? 2. We’re pretty sure it’s available online and 3. It probs doesn’t work. Well, we were right about the first 2, but lo and behold, a few minutes with the game proved that it was pretty hard to stump.

But perhaps more fun than the original is 20Q for TV and Movies. Choose any location or character from your favorite movie or show and watch how quickly it figures it out through the process of elimination. (Ex: “Is it a little girl?” “No.” “Is it Alex Trebek?”) It guessed in less than 20 questions both Mr. Kotter (i.e. the honorable Gabriel Kaplan) and The Peach Pit from 90210.

We dare you to stump the thing! If you do, let us know in the comments.

WWJS: What Would Jay Say?

by

space2.JPGThe Pamela Anderson / Kid Rock split has left us confused, hurt, befuddled and most of all… curious. Curious what late night talk show host/ comedic genius Jay Leno will say about the whole thing. Throughout the years Jay has made the most obvious jokes about the biggest events of the day, which is why we’re going to start playing WWJS: What Would Jay Say? Below we’ve included three possible jokes that Jay might make about the Pam & Kid split. Guess which easy joke Jay will go with, then come back tomorrow to find out What Jay Said. It’s simple. So without further adieu:

WWJS about the Pamela Anderson / Kid Rock split?

  • (a) After getting married in 4 separate ceremonies this summer, Pamela Anderson filed for divorce from Kid Rock today. So that’s one divorce down, three more to go!
  • (b) Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced. According to the pre-nup she’ll get the kids and he’ll get the sex tape.
  • (c) Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock filed for divorce today. Yeah, and when Britney Spears heard the news she said, “Does that mean Kid Rock is single again??? Yes!” You hear that Kevin? Britney Spears and Kid Rock. Can you imagine? (Kevin: Nah man, I can’t.) Wow!

So WWJS? One of these, or something else entirely? Leave your answers and possible suggestions in the comments!

CAPTION THIS! Really Happy Feet

by

murphy penguin 2.jpg

After dating Ashton Kutcher and Eminem, Brittany Murphy finally finds someone that America can tolerate.

Your turn. Leave your Captions in the Comments now!

(and then for more pictures, check out Hollywood Tuna.)

The Amazing Race: Dirty, Dirty Blondes

by

AmazingRace.JPGWe are constantly changing sides on the see-saw of dislike between two teams left on The Amazing Race: The Moms from Alabama, and the Beauty Queens from Our Nightmarez. On the one hand, the Single Moms relied heavily on help from the now-eliminated Cho Brothers, and their sourpuss faces have become quite tiring — then again, we always root for the middle-aged, less-attractive types. The Beauty Queens (who, we’re assuming, won said title from their state school sorority sisters) can irk at times. Hey, they’re perky and blonde and, if we had to choose, we’d easily befriend Kelly Ripa over either of them. Yesterday, the likebility scale began tipping sharply in the direction of the Bama Girls, or as the Blonde Beauties insist on calling them, “The Sistahs.” (We’re sure their “best friends are black.”) There is just something about the cocky expressions they wear on their faces that completes the circle of hatred in our hearts. So, who to root for? The Druggy Zoolanders might have our vote, if they didn’t seem just as cokey… er, cocky… as the girls. And Ike Turner & Co. (i.e. Rob and Kim) need to get runover by a runaway cart Les Miz-stizz ASAP.

Last night’s episode took the four remaining teams on a tour across Morocco, including a Gladiator-like chariot ride and dozens of native extras, paid to cheer for some American D-List reality show stars being dragged around the track. There was some car trouble on Rob and Kim’s end, but the team managed to somehow not end up last. That honor was bestowed to… (Entering the Spoiler Room…)

The Blondes! And sadly, it was a non-elimination round. Still, the pressure is on now for them to come in first on the next leg of the race. Something tells us that they’ll stop at nothing (we’re talking Tonya Harding-esque tactics, folks) to make this happen. Also, can we talk about how hilarious the preview for next week’s episode was? Looks like the locals pelt the sh*t out of Rob and Kim with tomatoes! (Or were those apples? That almost seems too deadly…)

Help: Who should we be rooting for?