…OF THE DAY

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  • WISHFUL THINKING CATFIGHT: Looks like Jake Gyllenhaal‘s banana-seat performance is beating out Matthew McConaughey‘s in the race to play Lance Armstrong. Hopefully, Matt will be offered the backup role as Lance’s younger, more flexible brother, Stretch. (TMZ.com)
  • CROSS-CULTURALISM, PART I: Will Smith‘s production company will be producing two Bollywood movies for the booming Indian film industry. In other news, DJ Jazzy Jeff just made some instant Indian food, sat down on a milk crate, and had a good cry. (Zap 2 It)
  • HILARIOUS DEADLY SCARE: Pranksters let loose two real life snakes in an Arizona screening of Snakes on a Plane. Except, in this “movie”, a 14-year-old white kid with few friends and cystic acne was given the task to get the motherf***in’ snakes out of the motherf***in’ theater, using a broom handle and a motherf***in’ garbage bag. (Orlando’s Local 6)
  • CROSS-CULTURALISM, PART II: Page Six is rumoring today that the new Surivivor season will be dividing teams up by race: White, Black, Hispanic and Asian. It is impossible to say anything here and not sound racist, so we just want to wish the teams good luck and oh my god is this awkward. (NY Post)
  • GIFT IDEA: What do you get the R. Kelly who has everything? Why, “Golden Pickle Juice Sport” of course! (Pickle Juice Sport)

What Paul Learned From Snakes On A Plane

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soap1.jpgBWE’s Paul Scheer was one of X amount of people (X= $15.2m/avg ticket price) who saw Snakes On A Plane over the weekend. And like X people, he left with a lot more knowledge about snakes, planes, and snakes on planes than those of us who missed it.

  • Snakes are not indigenous to Hawaii.
  • Don’t leave your can of Red Bull at a crime scene.
  • Snakes can not get into 1st class.
  • Always pack a bow and arrow in luggage just in case the hero of your flight needs a weapon while he/she is in the cargo hold.
  • Rich British people are assholes.
  • The snake guy who lives in the desert is probably up to no good.
  • Snakes are attracted to breasts, specifically hot girl’s nipples.

To read what else Paul learned, click here!

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Orlando Is Humid

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The Teen Choice Awards have turned out to be an endless source of amusement. So now, for your viewing pleasure, we present the award for The Dumbest Response To Winning An Award For Being Hot. And the winner is… Orlando Bloom!!!

Well, at least he still comes off better than Dane Cook. And don’t even get us started on K-Fed. Don’t even.

ICYMI: ‘Deadwood’ Gives Larry King Wood?

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This funny little Deadwood parody video from MADtv comes to us via the pervs over at Double Viking. While I’m usually not the biggest MADtv fan in the world, this sketch is pretty funny (especially if you’re at all familiar with the show it’s based on) and Larry King’s little “insights” made me chuckle more than once. Check it out, c*cks*ckers!

Britney Spears To Be Buried With Dog, Shattered Dreams

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chihuahua1.JPGAccording to K-9 Magazine (no relation to K-Fed’s Bazaar), mammarian Britney Spears wishes to spend the remainder of eternity buried next to her dog, Lucky. Spears is quoted as saying “Lucky is just so cute… she should be laid to rest with me when the time comes.” Excuse us for a moment. (LIFE DRAINING SIGH.) Sorry about that. What a fantastic idea! Britney should definitely get buried with this little chihuahua, whose life expetancy looks to be roughly 3 months. They can keep him in the mini-fridge built into K-Fed‘s favorite recliner, wrapped up in one of Sean Preston‘s diapers, for the next 65 years or so, until Britney has the honor of being buried with the frail, depressed — but adorably small — bones of a once abused dog.

We do feel bad for Britney’s other three dogs (is there such thing as middle dog syndrome?) who were put. up. for. sale. with Britney’s house in 2001. Flash forward to their burial in 8 or so years, dumped out of a wooden box next to the body of a pissed looking Mozart.

PROPPED: 10,000 Reasons Civilization Is Doomed

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coulter2.jpgAnn Coulter. Dr. Phil. Paris Hilton. Tip Jars on every counter of every establishment that serves food and drink, and the expectation that I fill said jar with cash after making a purchase. Those are just four of the 10,000 reasons our civilization is doomed, according to a website put together by six friends.

Frankly, we are tired of the fake optimism, superficiality, non-talented celebrities, doped-up athletes, dishonest and illiterate politicians, corporate thieves, wife-beaters and evangelical terrorists rampant in the world today and we decided that one way of making ourselves feel better would be to list them for all the world to see and to add upon.

So head on over and add your own. And don’t worry; somebody already added Emo. (dropped by nuncio. Got something you want us to see? Drop it now!)

ICYMI: Creepy Time with the Olsens

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On September 12, Joey Lawrence makes his Dancing with the Stars debut on ABC. Meaning that our lifelong fantasy of seeing Joey from Blossom and A.C. Slater face off against each other in a battle of suggestive thrusting will finally be realized. Check out this insane 80′s-style clip, where a Danza-like Joey interviews the Olsen twins — still only 6 and as sexy as ever — who fight over who Joey should go out with. It’s refreshing to see the girls in their natural dead-eyed state, verses their current sunglassed, gypsy-clad one.