UPGRADE/DOWNGRADE: Celebrity Safaris

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madonnaafrica.jpgEven the most famous of Celebrity Royalty has to slum it every now and then because anyone who pays attention to the tabloids (and everyone should!) knows that Hollywood’s hottest new accessory is a malnourished third-world child with dark skin. A visit to some wasteland jungle village, and a sad-eyed little African tyke can do more to improve the public appearance of celebs than all of the cosmetics and cosmetic surgery in Los Angeles. And sometimes the presence of these stars manages to actually improve the poor places they visit (UPGRADE!), while other times they just make things more depressing (DOWNGRADE!). Take a look at these celebs on safari, then vote on which ones seem to be helping and which ones just need help.

SIZZLER: Brody Jenner Is My Hero

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brody lc.jpgBrody Jenner– a man who’s famous solely because of his uncanny ability to date D-List actresses– has done it again. UsWeekly has confirmed that Mr. Jenner is currently hooking up with Laguna Beach’s Lauren Conrad (or LC, if you’re ‘in the know’). Now, hooking up with LC is hardly newsworthy… hell, you’ve seen Jason, clearly she doesn’t have high standards… however, what makes this great is the fact that Brody used to date LC’s Laguna co-star, Kristin Cavalleri. What a guy!

Now granted, Brody dated Nicole Richie in between Laguna babes, providing a small (note: really small) buffer, however going from Kristin to LC is quite an accomplishment. It puts Brody in that elite Adam Duritz dating both Courtney Cox & Jennifer Aniston category of celebrity. It’s not an easy feat to accomplish, so for that reason we congratulate Mr. Jenner. Now enjoy the drama.

Page Six Slams Carson Daly From Behind

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Sometimes, having to explain things simply ruins them. As is the case with this morning’s Page Six in the NY Post, captured above, which confuses Carson Daly, luckiest fame lottery winner evs, and Carson Kressley, whipsmart main gay on Queer Eye. Thousand words, folks. (via Gawker)

People of Pittsburgh Giving Sienna Miller Way Too Much Credit

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It must have been a slow coupla decades for the nice people of Pittsburgh, PA, because they are eating this Sienna Miller scandal up. Sienna, a B-list actress best known for her on-again off-again bone-lationship with Jude Law, is in the steel mining town filming The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, based on the book by Michael Chabon. Loyal residents of the city lit their murder torches last week, after Sienna referred to the town as “Shittsburgh.” Little did she know this little comment would make her more famous than any of her other two movies. So much so that one Pitty-the-fools-burgh resident erected a fake tombstone for the girl! Well, enough is enough. They are playing directly into her trap! Of making her important. Slowly, Pittsburgh people are really proving that nothing happens there… (well, after all that Superbowl winning business, etc.) So Memo 2 Pittsburgh: Drop It! Although “Third Bimbo on the Left” is so arbitrary it’s Hilario Dawson.

BWE: Name That Ass!

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ass.jpgWhich sexy starlet was photographed walking away from the camera in hot black heels, tight skinny jeans and a form-fitting grey top?

Is it Kate Moss? Ellen Pompeo? Paris Hilton?

That ass definitely looks familiar, doesn’t it? Take a guess who’s it is, then click below to find out if you’re right!

Read more…

CELEBRITY TRANSLATOR: The Mel-o-Drama

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When one of America’s most beloved movie stars gets ripped on tequila, drives like Mad Max through Malibu and delivers an outrageous speech on why Jews are ruining the world, all culminating in one of the most public DUI arrests in history, the only way to try and make sense of the tragedy is on the welcoming airwaves of national morning news shows. Mel Gibson’s wild-eyed, semi-apologetic rambling interview with Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America is so full of crazy talk that we had no choice but to use our patented Celebrity Translator to figure out what he’s saying, and try to decide whether we have the Christ-like capacity to forgive him.

While You Were Chasing Your DUI With A Few Cold Ones

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  • Hilary Duff has filed court documents claiming that she is in “mortal danger” at the hands of two stalkers. Aww don’t worry, Hills – I’m sure your boyfriend Mr. Brass Knucks Necklace Edgy Punk Rocker Tough Guy will protect you!
  • Jennifer Aniston went on Oprah to deny reports that she has split from boyfriend Vince Vaughn, once again pulling the football away at the last possible second, sending us flying into the air and back to the ground like the naive fools we are.
  • Tara Reid’s latest movie is being released direct-to-download on the Internet. But in her defense, we’ve heard great things about Screeched, and we really can’t wait to see what she’s done with the role of Defiled Poop Moustachioed Bukkake Whore #2.
  • The brave police officer who got a drunken Mad Mel off the streets of Melibu is now under investigation for leaking the official arrest report. But I don’t think it was so much “a leak” as it was an attempt to get the truth out on why all the world’s wars keep happening.
  • RIP Hyde Nightclub (2006-2006). Cause of death: Kato Kaelin being granted entrance. That guy is the Orange Juice Simpson of trendy LA nightclubs.

…OF THE DAY

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  • HONK IF YOU HATE: Mel Gibson‘s bumper sticker, according to Joan Rivers, reads “My Other Car Is A Gas Chamber.” God, we love that bitch. (Celebrity Week)
  • RELATED STORY: Mel Gibson as a crucified pope? Oh, that is too much. (Heavy via Defamer)
  • SOFT-CORE PIC: Ever wished you could see a handsome, cut Paul Rudd reclining on a bed with some weird sheet-diaper hiding his junk? You’re welcome. (Faded Youth)
  • BRAZILIANT IDEA: Does the carpet match the curtains? Not unless your curtains are hot pink. Confused? Let us explain. Pubic dye. That’s better. (Radar Online)
  • GUILTY PLEASURE: The upcoming Jon Lovitz television show, Bad Judge, might have the most geeny-davis plot ever: “The cases are real. The decision is final. The judge is nuts.” There is still hope left for Hollywood, people. (TVgasm)