In the severance heard round the world, Paramount has cut its contract to veteran actor/placenta eater Tom Cruise. Says Viacom chief Sumner Redstone, “It’s nothing to do with his acting ability, he’s a terrific actor… but we don’t think that someone who effectuates creative suicide and costs the company revenue should be on the lot.”
Which got us to thinking: If Tom Cruise were in fact to commit creative suicide, he would definitely go out with a bang — one shot out of a ruby-encrusted air cannon, surely. Here are some other ways Tom Cruise could commit suicide creatively:
- He could hangglide off of the roof of the Scientology Celebrity Center and into the mouth of an active volcano
- He could swallow one end of the e-meter, put the other end up his rear, and run a charge through it.
- He could leave some shrimp out in the sun for a few weeks, then eat it.
- He could do his own stunts in Faces of Death 7.
- He could wait 16 years until Suri is old enough to drive, then steer her into oncoming traffic until a tractor trailer slams into the passenger side.
- He could take a single vitamin.
- He could go swimming off the coast of Ethiopia and get slayed by pirates.
- He could do tragically badly on Celebrity Fear Factor.
- He could buy a horse and ride it off the edge of the Grand Canyon.
- He could get lost in the deadened gaze of wife Katie Holmes, never finding his way out and suffocating to death.
Seems like the last one is the most likely. Any other ideas for Tom Cruise’s creative suicide?
The lovely Melissa Rauch from TV’s Best Week Ever (maybe you’ve heard of it) didn’t always lead the life of glitz and glamour that the BWE comedians are accustomed to. She too started out as an intern. Don’t believe me? Just check out this music video and see for yourself.
To see more of Melissa, click here.
The latest report from Hollyweird is that Brandon Davis has moved in with Paris Hilton, leaving them approximately one Joe Francis short of forming an Algonquin roundtable of retardation more powerful than anything the world has ever known. Even briefly dipping one’s toe into the pool of moronic possibility this unholy union creates, the mind is immediately left reeling. All their boozing, whoring and sweating (looking at you, Brandon) aside, just imagine what something as mundane as dinnertable banter might sound like in this B-list brothel:
Bradon: Lindsay Lohan has a firecrotch.
Paris: That’s hot.
And on and on for all of eternity. Somebody might as well go ahead and add this odd couple to the list of 10,000 Reasons Civilization Is Doomed.
Other than the bright future of K-Fed’s rap career (so bright, he has to wear FUBU shades), the big story from this week’s Teen Choice Awards was speculation about what would happen if no-longer-weds Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson ran into each other at the show, thus creating a vortex of tabloid-fantasy awkwardness. After receiving a tip that they did in fact share a brief exchange, our crack team of hard-hitting newspeople has been pounding the pavement to find footage of the encounter, and after much difficulty (and a couple of casualties), we have victoriously obtained this exclusive clip of the post-breakup run-in the world has been waiting to see!
Inexplicably ignoring their own rules prohibiting pornography, YouTube has allowed Paris Hilton to post the following video clip (Internet videos are her best medium), in which which she tries rather desperately to string together enough complete sentences to form a semi-coherent “buy my album” plea to all the teenage girls who tape themselves doing booty-dances to Chingy songs they later post on the video site. Behold the power of the internet, harnessed and manifest in the form of a poorly filmed plug from a spoiled pseudo-celeb shamelessly trying to pimp her joke of a music career! Of course, we’re only helping her…
As you may have heard, Paramount pictures dumped Tom Cruise yesterday. Thankfully, the folks who write newspaper headlines were armed and ready with some corny movie-title puns to walk us through what happened.
I’m disappointed. Cruise made more than four movies, people. Utilize them. Like:
Paramount Days Far & Away
Fired (After) The Fourth Of July
Cruise Cock-Tails It Out Of Paramount
All The Wrong Moves
Tom Loses It For Losin’ It
Tom ‘Taps’ Out
Majority Reports: Get Tom Outta Here!
Tom Gets The Firm Goodbye
A Few Good Men Tell Tom To Go The F**k Away
Show some creativity, headline writers. Please. Now it’s your turn. Leave your Tom gets axed headlines in the comments.
As the wave of frenzy surrounding Snakes on a Plane has finally crested and now rolls its way back to the ocean of pop culture curiosities, we’re left with only the aftermath of this epic Internet phenomenon. For most of us, SoaP will soon be synonymous with other odd-but-now-forgotten cinematic obsessions such as the Ernest Goes To (Blank) movies, Robocop, and Jean-Claude Van Damme. But for one man, Snakes on a Plane Mania will – quite literally – live on forever. Jim Dozier (nicknamed “Doz”) was so enamored with the idea of a film about deadly reptiles loose on a commercial airliner that he had its logo prominently tattooed on his left bicep – before he’d even seen the movie! As this left us utterly baffled, we had no choice but to seek out this amazing specimen of a man and demand an explanation for what could motivate one to do such a seemingly ridiculous thing. We chatted earlier this afternoon via IM, and the transcript of that conversation can be read – nay, studied and extensively contemplated! – after the jump. If you’re as impressed as we were by this man’s bold commitment to unflinching SoaP awesomeness, PLEASE take a moment and vote for Doz to win the Snakes on a Plane #1 Fan Sweepstakes. We’re pretty sure that he’s earned it.
It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, August 22nd! Alan Noah is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Breaking Up, Fear Factor, and Work Out!