PROPPED: Forget About Marie Osmond, We Want S-E-X & L-O-V. Obvs.

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When the folks at Fasthugs dropped this incredibly long rant about Celebrity Duets’ Marie Osmond (complete with video evidence to back up their “she’s a douchebag” claims) we were impressed. But it was this video they posted today that really blew our minds. It’s part of the How Can I Tell If I’m Really In Love series, and it reminds us that A) the 80’s were awesome, and B) Jason Bateman wasn’t always as cool as Michael Bluth. He was much, much cooler.

After you’re done watching that video, it’s time to watch this one. Just incredible. So do you have something you want us to check out? Drop it now!

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Santa Chucks Celine From Sleigh

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I love Celine Dion. I’m dropping the “royal we” here, people, because this is very personal to me. Is she funny? Obvs. Is she also a golden gift of talent and poise delivered from God up on high? Def. The following commercial for Celine Dion’s perfume (where Celine breaks into a family’s house and awakes them with her siren song while hiding under their tree) is a great “True Fan Test.” Watch it, and if it has just described your PERFECT Christmas morning, then you are a real Celine lover. For some of you, this video will probably fall somewhere between “The Night We Found Grandma Dead” and “Aretha Franklin’s Rack” on your horror-charts… Like the family in this commercial, for examp.

SIZZLER: Vaughn’s Got a Stage-5 Clinger On His Hands

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VAUGHN.JPGWe threw our Team Aniston tees in the wash last night (hiding our Team Jolie sweats under some sand in the litter box) to pay our respects to a woman who was at the top of her game, dating the Sexiest Man in America, only to be dumped and take on an arguably less sexiest man (possibly also bodily-odored)… only to find out he cheated on you with some Texan sorority-sister, drama-club-loving 20-year-old named Laura “Call Me Mallory, Ya’ll” Lane.

And how did the break-up between Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn come about? You can thank Star Magazine for that one, who is taking full credit for obtaining e-mails Mallory Lane sent to her sorority sisters back in San Antonio:

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Sounds to us… like a STAGE FIVE CLINGER. And looks ike Vaughn is going through a serious mid-life crisis, picking up random college girls and smoking ciggs in bed with them until sunrise… something tells us this isn’t the first girl this has happened with, just the first one who posted a Myspace Bulletin about it. (And who can blame her?) This Christmas, send Jennifer Aniston a gift basket filled with sleeping pills, Kool 100’s, and air hugs… she’s gonna need ‘em.

Janice Dickinson Dares You To Make It Through The 12 Days Of Christmas

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When Heidi Klum released a Christmas video last week we were impressed by how great she sounded (and… ok, fine, how great she looked.) Well, now former supermanmodel Janice Dickinson has decided to release her own version of a holiday classic to promote the upcoming Oxygen special, Christmas With The Dickinsons. We suggest you watch this with the sound off. And your eyes closed.

Vid via PerezHilton

SIZZLER: Realizing His Constant Drug Busts Are Boring Us, Pete Doherty Finally Kills Someone

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dohertycops.jpgPossibly realizing that the “Pete Doherty Got Busted For Drugs Again – AGAIN!” headlines would only keep our attention for so long, the latest reports surrounding the scandal-addled one-time rocker suggest that Pete might have played a part in the tragic death of an actor who fell from a third-story balcony only minutes after the two got into a scuffle:

“Blanco arrived at Paul’s a little drunk. He and Pete started to niggle each other. It turned into a full blown argument, with insults being thrown on both sides. The argument got physical and Roundhill stepped in to break it up. He then asked Blanco to leave. A few minutes later some lads came rushing up to say there was a man lying in the street.”

Considering that this comes from a British tabloid that, ironically, doesn’t even seem to be writing in English, you should take this report for a grain of crack. But still, it wouldn’t surprise us.

LISTEN UP: Click Your Mouse Say Thanks!

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  • You Ain’t No Picasso has a new and exlusive Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! track, “Satan Said Dance,” as well as two other song from their new album.
  • Do you sometimes find yourself sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth while drool and tears run freely from your faceholes because Radiohead hasn’t had a new album for the past 3 years? Puddlegum is here to rub your back and tell you that it’s coming together… slowly.
  • In the meantime, satisfy your addictive rock craving with some vintage Kinks tunes at XXXRockrula.
  • Razorblade Runner boasts two hot new tracks from Snoop Dogg and LCD Soundsystems. We dare you to make a mash-up.
  • This one goes out to all the single ladies out there… Jingle Cats! Try not to kill youself over at Yeti Don’t Dance. No really, it’s scary.

BWEXAMINATIONS: Britney Vajayjay Jokes

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In the realm of pop culture, the lifespan of every trend, phenomenon and fad can be scientifically tracked and charted – even genital jokes. After her spree of grisly vagina shots last week, comedy writers (ourselves included) took more shots at Britney Spears than paparazzi in a panty store. Below, we examine this joke’s rise in popularity, the inevitable tipping point, and its subsequent decline into hacky awfulness. CLICK IMAGE FOR FULL SIZE.

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The Screech Sex Tape Is REAL

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screechedcard.JPGIt pains us to do this, and yet it must be done. A few months ago our world – and our collective psyche – was rocked by the news that Dustin Diamond, the actor who played Screech on our beloved Saved By the Bell, made a raunchy sex tape that leaked to the Internet. Desperately trying to grasp onto our remaining few shreds of innocence, we speculated the tape was a hoax, a publicity stunt, or a very bad Zach Morris-esque prank of some sort. However, today we were finally forced to confront the painful reality of this abomination against everything that is right and good after a reader sent us a link to the entire video (WARNING: This is PORN. Very NSFW, very disturbing, and potentially capable of causing long-term psychological damage). All we can say is it is even crazier than we had imagined – the SBtB-like credit sequence (with gross sanchez-ing sound), the bubble bathing, the bantering, the unspeakable acts of Screech-on-slut sexuality. Watch if you can, have your nostalgia annihilated, and endanger your own ability to ever reach arousal again. In fact, try masturbating to it – we dare you.