YOUTUBULAR: How Can I Tell If I’m Really In Love?

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Defamer directed us over to this incredible video straight out of the 80′s starring Jason Bateman, Justine Bateman, and the immortal Ted Danson. With unintentional hilarity and the same special effects as my Bar Mitzvah video in 1993, this is truly a Youtubular event. Enjoy… and learn.

Update: The video originally came from Fast Hugs.

Homer Simpson Makes $67,000 a Year?!

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PATRICKDEMPSEY.JPGThe AOL Salary Center has compiled a list of Real-Life Salaries of Popular TV Characters, documenting the hypothetical income of some fake tv jobs. A few surprises: Dr. McDreamy is more like Dr. HeProvidesForMeGirrrrrl, earning a whopping $386,575 per year!

Some of the results baffle us. How on earth does a stay-at-home Mom, in this case Alison Dubois on Medium, earn $135,000 a year? Is there some sort of underground Ebay scam happening on the side? And how am I supposed to believe that Ugly Betty earns almost $50,000 a year, when most everyone knows that assistants in the magazine/fashion world are paid somewhere around $20,000 and usually live off of insanely well-endowed trust funds or extremely generous parents?

Take a look at the list for yourself
, and tell us if we’re crazy, or if these numbers actually add up.

The Office: If You Can’t Beet Em, Join Em

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COREY CLARK.bmp“The Initiation” episode of The Office last night merged two of our lesser-liked characters, Dwight and Ryan, together in one beet-farm-filled journey. We’ll be honest: We weren’t super psyched about this episode 2/3 of the way in. The farm scenes were OK but not hysterical (though “Now I will plant my seed in you” always gets a laugh no matter in what context). Michael‘s pretzel sugar-high was funny, but somehow a little too forced. In fact, we feel the funniest scene from the episode was actually cut! The deleted scene on NBC.com is a short goodbye moment between Michael and Ryan, and — stop us, please — but we have serious fantasies about these two. That Gay Witch Hunt vibe gives us a tingly feeling. Add Smiley Stanley to that.

No, the episode didn’t really redeem itself until the very end, when we finally — FINALLY — got what we wanted: Jim and Pam on the phone! Talking to each other! We’re not ones to get sappy (though we did wear a wedding gown during the Ross and Rachel nuptuals a few years back), but it was so good to hear their flirty banter again. Welcome back!

Thoughts on the episode? (Stanley cartoon via Give Me My Remote!)

Shuffling Towards the Weekend!

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shuffle.jpgThis week our special Shuffling guest is Melissa Maerz, an Associate Editor at SPIN Magazine and all-around musical taste-maker. So let’s see what kind of super-cool industry insider tunes she’s rockin’ on the iPod she’s so kindly shuffled to share with us these first five resulting tracks. As always, leave the results of your own shuffles in the comments!

1. “Le Responsible,” Jacques Dutronc – The best 60s dance song ever made by a French pop star who once had a ‘90s indie-rock band named after him.

2. “Make Out, Fall Out, Make Up,” Love is All – A great half-sad punk screamer that can’t decide whether it wants to philosophize about eternal return or smear your lipstick.

3. “Two-Headed Boy Part 2,” Neutral Milk Hotel I never really understood why anyone would want a girl who feeds you “tomatoes and radio wires,” but I trust Jeff Mangum’s read a few ancient scrolls about that topic.

4. “We’ve Got Tonight,” Bob Seger Such a romantic one-night-stand ballad. Alternate title: “Hey, this malt liquor won’t last ’til morning, so why not sit your ass down and screw me?”

5. “It Was I,” Lindsey Buckingham – You mean it was not he, she, or they? All my favorite soft-rock songs make good use of grammar.

LISTEN UP: Stereophonic Musical Listenings That Have Been Origin In Moving Film Borat

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  • We’re not sure whether the Borat Soundtrack will be quite as funny as the movie, but you can go grab “Born to be Wild”, “In My Country There Is a Problem”, and “You Be My Wife”, then decide for yourselves!
  • What do Borat and Tom Waits have in common? Besides being awesome, not much. But head over to Muzzle of Bees and download a couple of tracks by the latter anyway!
  • Stereogum says M. Ward should be president. We’re sure he’d do a great job, we’d rather have him keep making more of these amazing songs.
  • “Nolan Ryan is not only the major league pitcher with the most no-hitters in history, it’s also the name of a hypnotic new song by The Winks,” Said the Gramophone.
  • According to You Ain’t No Picasso, Asobi Seksu is Japanese for “playful sex” and their song “New Years” is Musical for “breathy girl singing power-pop”.

Worth1000: May The Farce Be With You

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tom cruisestarwars.jpgAt last, a photoshop contest that brings sci-fi geeks and celebrity-obsessed UsWeekly readers together!

Worth1000 asked readers to re-imagine Star Wars characters using different celebrities. No Samuel L. Jackson. No Harrison Ford. And no Ewan McGregor (oddly enough, Mark Hamill is fine since he doesn’t really count as a “celebrity” anymore.) Some of the entries are really amazing, including the Tom Cruise/ Yoda one you see here. Go check them out by clicking here.

Link via Gorillamask.

PROPPED: Jon Stewart Throws Like the Limp-Wristed Liberal That He Is!

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You might think Jon Stewart and his smarty-pants book-learnin’ Bush-bashin’ troops-not-supportin’ political humor is real funny and all, but I’ll tell you one thing: if Bill O’Reilly were likable enough to be asked to throw out the first pitch in a playoff game, he’d fire that baseball right down the hole like Roger Clemens after a big day at Balco. Thanks to carnivore666 for dropping this.

Sharon Stone Begged Us to Post This Nip-Slip!

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We find it impossible to believe that when celebrities leave their home wearing a pair of pantyhose pulled over their rack, they forget that once the inevitable flashbulb goes off, lil Ms. Mary Ola will peek her tiny brown head out from behind her sheer cage. So when we caught glimpse of this photo taken of Sharon Stone yesterday in Moscow, looking dignified while still making sure her nip is in full slip mode, we lowered our head, shook it back and forth, waved our fists at the sky, and of course posted it for all the world to see. We would love to know the secret in keeping one’s bosom so buoyant after 48-years of constant exposure.

After the jump, The Official Closest Close-Up of Sharon Stone’s Nipple known to man (we think).

Read more…

Joe Simpson Creepy Dads It Up a Notch

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We really don’t give Jessica Simpson enough credit. For a girl whose father is this side of Molesty Culkin, she is unbelieeeevably normal. Daddy Joe Simpson is a frosty-tipped publicity gigolo who, for an ex-pastor, has absolutely no problem taking photos of his daughter in pure ex-coital bliss. Let’s kick off the creeptown train and reminisce to 2004, when Joe waxed hoetic to GQ Magazine about Jess’s rack: “She’s got double-D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!” In his defense, Jessica tells Jane:

We’re Podunk Southern. And my dad is very open about his ideas and…it’s disgusting that people would actually think…people are making a judgment on something that is false.

Is it disgusting, Jessica? Is it? Because, judging by the above photograph, taken by your father, a bedsheet barely covering up your bathing suit places and an indentation in the neighboring pillow that just screams Premarital Sex, we think your father should take a long hard look at his insanely puppet-like features, run his fingers over that rhinestoned WWJD bracelet he so loves, and reconsider what exactly his motives are. Feel free to talk about your huge rack J, but please, keep it outside of the family.