For about one hot millisecond. With a pair of strange moon-sandal martian-meets-gladiator bootie thingies. Lindsay Lohan also claims that Sex and the City is the reason her vagina has such an open-whore policy. Now, brace yourselves for what is possibly the most hypocritical, disgusting thing you’ll ever read: “If I’m going to give my body to someone, I’d rather them not be with other people. But I want to be able to if I like someone else.” Looks like her phony double-standards match her phony double-G’s. It’s items like these that prove, simply and wholly, that drug use not only rots your brains and/or ethics, but also your fashion choices. Again, those shoes. Can someone possibly explain them?
I went to the movies last weekend, and as I was sitting through those obnoxious pre-preview commercials (I love paying $10 to be advertised to!), I saw what appeared to be an ad for another one of those stupid “drive around and maim people while destroying a city and abusing women” video games that the kids love so much these days. But the surprise ending was one of the funniest, most clever commercials I’ve seen in awhile. Check it out!
Yesterday, we waxed romantic about celebrity couples we love. Today, one relationship tidbit has sent our perfume-scented ticker tape into a printin’ frenzy: Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have been having a secret love affair! The two met while filming the cinematic composte heap You, Me & Dupree, and have been inseparable ever since. According to Us Weekly, “Kate is crazy about him. Owen gives her so much attention, and she loves it.” Those of you out there not convinced, we offer some reasons why Kate is smitten with Owen over Hudson’s ex, Chris Robinson.
1. Owen Wilson is a successful actor.
2. Owen Wilson showers on at least a weekly basis.
3. Owen Wilson knows how to properly love a woman.
4. Owen Wilson does not wear tunics.
5. Owen Wilson technically has two penises.
6. Chris Robinson has no nickname referring to his sexual prowess, especially not one as complimentary as “The Butterscotch Stallion”.
This video has been making the rounds, but how could we not post something that features the comedic talents of BWE’s own Paul Scheer, Rob Heubel and Nick Kroll? Clell Tickle: Indie Marketing Guru tells the story of a man who uses fear and intimidation to make absolutely sure you can’t sign onto the Internet without hearing the words “Tapes ‘N Tapes“. Created by Aziz Ansari and the dudes over at The Human Giant, this should make you laugh and feel really cool for getting all the indie rock hipster references (also, watch for some great cameos!):
- Jessica Simpson has been quoted as saying that ex-husband Nick Lachey has a small wang. Of course, they always look pretty small when daddy is holding firmly onto their balls.
- After failing to attract our interest on their TV show, The Barkers have taken their idiotic drama to MySpace. Just what that place needs!
- “Illusionist” David Copperfield says he has discovered the fountain of youth. Turns out the fountain of youth can be found in one’s willingness to make absurd claims to in order to get some press. You can live – or at least be marginally famous – forever!
- A fan showered Stephen Dorff with novelty underwear. Coincidentally, that’s what I always say when my mom hooks me up with some new whitey-tighteys.
- Star Jones has been dropped as the spokesperson for outlet shoe store Payless. Man, and I bet she thought there could never be anything more soul-crushingly humiliating than Hasselbeck’s face after getting kicked to the curb by The View.
It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, August 15th! Alan is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Rockstar, Workout, and The Real World!
- REASON TO WORSHIP MUPPETS: We didn’t want to believe that Sesame Street‘s Elmo was evil, but we just played an episode backwards, and are seriously jetting out of the office to kill our dogs… so maybe? (LA Times, This Picture)
- INFURIATING BURIAL: Paris Hilton has purchased the gravesite next to “idol” Marilyn Monroe to bury her pet goat, Billy Hilton. In related news, how is Paris Hilton not in a hospital for retarded people? (Female First)
- WISHFUL-THINKING HEADLINE: Brad Garrett, Wife, Secretly Split. World, Publicly, Does Not Care. (People Mag)
- PLEBE SHOUT-OUT: Gwyneth Paltrow praises single mothers, saying she doesn’t know how they survive without the help of nannies, maids, and constant help from a hands-on husband. She then praised most of the American public, explaining that she doesn’t understand how they can wipe their own ass without the assistance of, like, at least 38 people. (Contact Music)
- CLEVER CNN EDITOR: This should say it all: “German Authorities Watching Madonna… Poop on a Plane.” We’ve always wondered: Do her turds look like mirrored Disco Logs? Happy Tuesday, folks. (Defamer)
Sometimes you seen an invention that makes you smack your own forehead and exclaim, “Gah! Why didn’t I think of that!?!” This is one of those inventions. Having recognized the alarming amount of Hoffish wonderment that exists on the Internet in video form, some genius decided to create a repository for 50 of the absolute greatest of these clips. There are many more to be catalogued, but Rome wasn’t built in a day and The Hoff can’t be catalogued by one website, if at all. The good news is you can throw away your “Google” bookmark because now there’s only one Internet page you’ll ever need, and that page is The Best of The Hoff (which is sort of redundant). F*ck Mars, the cure for Polio, and the Lost City of Atlantis, this is the greatest discovery mankind could possibly make.
Check out lovebirds Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams giving their best to the paparazzi while on vacation in Mexico. There’s a lot we love about this picture — but it really boils down to Heath’s grimace and Michelle’s frilly swimsuit. We say that without a hint of irony. (Click here for the uncensored verzh.) Don’t you know you can only photograph Heath when he’s palling around with Lance? Yeesh.
Here at BWE.tv, we tend to follow celebrity break-ups with the type of vigor most people save for other events, like the Superbowl, or pairs figure skating. We keep long flowcharts diagramming the ups and downs of each couple, and when one splits — specifically a couple we don’t like — we pop open streamers, pour champagne down our bras, and then cry on the phone to our Mothers. For example, upon hearing that lechy 59-year-old James Woods split from 20-year-old girlfriend Ashley Madison (the daughter of a close friend, mind you), our left eyeball shot out of our skulls… from happiness. (Best quote ever: “She truly has the soul of a moth and the brain of a dead trout.”)
Sometimes, though, we like to fantasize about couples we’d love to see together, couples we would root for. So when we read that the lovely (albeit sticky-fingered) Winona Ryder has a huge crush on A Scanner Darkly co-star Keanu Reeves, our heart monitors beeped a little faster. Yes! That’s a fantastic idea. They both have a laid-back indie charm about them that would mesh together nicely. So we’re putting it out there. Keanu, Winona, listen: U 2 R Prfct 4 Each Oth! Make it work.