Jessica Simpson in Weekend at Bernie’s III

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Take a look at this photo. On the right, a new and improved Ashlee Simpson, or as we chose to call her, “Heidi Klum 3000.” Now, look a little to the left… that ashen-faced dead-eyed deer you see is actually Jessica Simpson. Jessica was seen supporting sister Ashlee’s debut in the London production of Chicago. Our initial reaction was to get the paddles out, scream “clear”, and jolt some electricity back into her sad, deadened heart. But could this all be part of some ingenious campaign to illicit sympathy for the girl who seemed to have it all? Because (pause for boiling hot shower and thorough de-licing) we think it’s working. You can peep more of the opening night pics here. What has happened to America’s darlings?

While You Were Listening To Oprah Radio

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  • A judge has dismissed the $10 million spousal abuse suit that David Gest filed against Liza Minelli. The general public has been advised to stay inside and lock their doors, as Minelli could strike again at any moment.
  • Russell Crowe has angrily denied reports that he is set to play the crocodile hunter Steve Irwin in a movie. Crowe insists he’s the wrong man for the part because he only wrestles drunk people and inanimate objects.
  • Bill O’Reilly complains that nobody invites him to parties. He plans on exploring this phenomena in a 6.5 billion part series titled “Why The Hell Doesn’t Anybody Like Me?”
  • Leonardo DiCaprio has announced that he doesn’t need any more friends. So you might as well cancel that MySpace friend request now buddy, cuz it ain’t gonna happen.
  • Terminator 2 star Edward Furlong has become a father. Friends and family send their congratulations, while a robot army from the future has sent a T-1000.

Best Night Ever: Monday, September 25th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, September 25th! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Deal or No Deal, Two and a Half Men, and Studio 60!

…OF THE DAY

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  • K.I.T.T.-y CAT: In a report alleging that The Hoff would stoop so low as to put in a bogus 911 call claiming his daughter had attempted suicide, the TMZ crack team left the backdoor of Hyde nightclub long enought to somehow snap this amazing shot of the “Hasselhoff family cat” in its natural Hoffitat. (TMZ)
  • ILL-TIMED POLITICAL STATEMENT: George Michael kicked off his latest tour with an onstage protest spectacle featuring an enormous blow-up President Bush getting a blow-job from a British bulldog. Nice to see Curious George keeping a “low profile” after he got caught boning that old van driver in the forest. (This Is London)
  • THE ANTI-LETO: John Mayer nod only tolerates blogging, he actually participates in it – and with a sense of humor, too! (John Mayer’s Blog)
  • KATE HUDSON FOOT FETISH: This little piggy went to the market, this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none, this little piggy went wee wee wee all the way home, and this this little piggy left her hippie husband for The Butterscotch Stallion. (Wampoon)
  • BEST USE OF A DARRYL STRAWBERRY PHOTO: Defamer hit it out of the park with their post examining TMZ’s examination of the “strawberry flavored cocaine” phenomenon. (Defamer)

John Madden Kills Again

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madden.jpgDo you believe in curses? Well, everybody who roots for the Seattle Seahawks or who drafted Shaun Alexander in their fantasy league does. The legendary John Madden has struck again!

Is it the Madden cover jinx? Seahawks star Shaun Alexander, the latest to grace the cover of the game, is the latest to get hurt. Alexander is out indefinitely with a broken foot. [keep reading]

If you head over to Snopes.com you’ll learn that yes, the Madden cover jinx is very, very real. From Eddie George to Donovan McNabb, every single player who has graced the cover of Madden has been cursed the following season. Broken bones, fractures, hernias; you name it. If you’re on the cover, you’re going to suffer.

Now if only USWeekly had a similar problem…

CAPTION THIS! McCartney Looks for Love

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Looks like Paul McCartney is lettin’ the ladies know what they’re missing out on… 5 inches of multi-billion dollar lovin’.

Can you do better? (That shouldn’t be hard… hey-o!) Leave your caption after the jump!

Breaking! New Project Runway Scandal!

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JEFFSEBELIA.JPGJust when we thought our Project Runway withdrawal couldn’t sink any deeper, a bit of news comes through to feed the addiction. New York Magazine reveals today that yet another PR contestant has been accussed of cheating: Jeffrey Sebelia, the weak-chinned ex-drug addict with the torah scroll tattooed around his neck. Apparently, when the devastatingly charming Tim Gunn visited Jeffrey’s home in Los Angeles to check on his collection, he noted that Sebalia had a lot of work left to do. Somehow, word got back to Xylophone-Chested Nancy‘s (i.e. Laura’s) Mom. When the big runway show went down only a few weeks later, Laura noticed how complete and finely made all of Jeffrey’s clothing was — unusual for a guy whose clothes usually looked like the went through a shredder, and moreso considering how little time he had to finish everything. Hence, Laura accussed Jeffrey of using outside sewers to help him complete the project, something against PR’s strict rules.

Bravo TV execs remain quiet over the turn-out of this serious accusation, and hopefully it will be included in what sounds like one of the most dramatic PR finales yet. We wonder, though, if this means that both Jeffrey and Laura are in the final 3? Or, according to the rumor, will there actually be 4 real runway shows this year, minus the decoy? Check out Jeffrey’s collection for yourself… do you think the guy cheated?

YOUTUBULAR: Phil Collins vs. The Ultimate Warrior

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What I Learned Today: Apparently in 1990 Phil Collins shot a mockumentary titled At Last… The Long Lost Network TV Special while on tour*. A bizarre collection of stars including John Travolta, John Candy, and Weird Al made appearances in the film, portraying TV execs hellbent on pitching Mr. Collins their ideas for a network special. Um… yeah. This clip, starring Gilbert Gottfried, Vanessa Williams and the one and only Ultimate Warrior, is the reason YouTube was invented. Enjoy.

*This post brought to you by The More You Wish You Didn’t Know.

SIZZLER: Lohan’s Dad Finds Pen, Paper & God

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Lindsay Lohan hasn’t spoken to father Michael Lohan since his prison sentence for drink driving and battery last year. And according to Pappy MiLo himself, all efforts to get in touch with his lil’ ginger one are being rebuked by self-air-quoted
“people” (read Mother Dina Lohan.) So in a last ditch attempt to contact his daughter, Michael, who recently found God, penned a long and heartfelt letter to his daughter and immediately sent it to British tabloid The Sun. After the jump, read his letter in full, along with our helpful Celebrity Translation.

Read more…