PROPPED: Jon Stewart Throws Like the Limp-Wristed Liberal That He Is!

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You might think Jon Stewart and his smarty-pants book-learnin’ Bush-bashin’ troops-not-supportin’ political humor is real funny and all, but I’ll tell you one thing: if Bill O’Reilly were likable enough to be asked to throw out the first pitch in a playoff game, he’d fire that baseball right down the hole like Roger Clemens after a big day at Balco. Thanks to carnivore666 for dropping this.

Sharon Stone Begged Us to Post This Nip-Slip!

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We find it impossible to believe that when celebrities leave their home wearing a pair of pantyhose pulled over their rack, they forget that once the inevitable flashbulb goes off, lil Ms. Mary Ola will peek her tiny brown head out from behind her sheer cage. So when we caught glimpse of this photo taken of Sharon Stone yesterday in Moscow, looking dignified while still making sure her nip is in full slip mode, we lowered our head, shook it back and forth, waved our fists at the sky, and of course posted it for all the world to see. We would love to know the secret in keeping one’s bosom so buoyant after 48-years of constant exposure.

After the jump, The Official Closest Close-Up of Sharon Stone’s Nipple known to man (we think).

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Joe Simpson Creepy Dads It Up a Notch

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We really don’t give Jessica Simpson enough credit. For a girl whose father is this side of Molesty Culkin, she is unbelieeeevably normal. Daddy Joe Simpson is a frosty-tipped publicity gigolo who, for an ex-pastor, has absolutely no problem taking photos of his daughter in pure ex-coital bliss. Let’s kick off the creeptown train and reminisce to 2004, when Joe waxed hoetic to GQ Magazine about Jess’s rack: “She’s got double-D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!” In his defense, Jessica tells Jane:

We’re Podunk Southern. And my dad is very open about his ideas and…it’s disgusting that people would actually think…people are making a judgment on something that is false.

Is it disgusting, Jessica? Is it? Because, judging by the above photograph, taken by your father, a bedsheet barely covering up your bathing suit places and an indentation in the neighboring pillow that just screams Premarital Sex, we think your father should take a long hard look at his insanely puppet-like features, run his fingers over that rhinestoned WWJD bracelet he so loves, and reconsider what exactly his motives are. Feel free to talk about your huge rack J, but please, keep it outside of the family.

While You Were Accepting Kim Jong’s Apology

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  • George Michael lit up a joint and smoked it during a recent TV interview. It was the least surprising thing he’s done since admitting he’s gay.
  • Mike Tyson will fight singer Tom Jones in a celebrity boxing match scheduled for later this year. The old school crooner’s winning strategy involves a group of contractors, crow bars, and a surprise visit to Mike’s place the night before the fight.
  • NBC won’t show Madonna mounting a cross when they air a concert special next month. Instead, Madonna will be relegated to mounting more traditional things like her back up dancers, S&M freaks, and Vanilla Ice.
  • Claudia Schiffer believes that models today are too thin. She longs for the days when they were big and fat– you know, like she was in the 90′s.
  • Robbie Williams mooned the crowd at the MTV Latin America Awards in Mexico City last night. The audience was stunned, as many attendees turned to one another at the same time and asked the same exact question: “Who the f**k was that?”

SIMI-LEBRITIES: Now & Later

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If Jessica Simpson starts working on her hacky stand-up schtick, she could have a bright future on the red carpet once all the Botox has finished its total annihilation of her face.

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…OF THE DAY

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  • LATE PAYMENT OF RESPECTS: Nearly six weeks after his death, Anna Nicole Smith’s son Daniel was finally laid to rest. (Showbuzz)
  • FIERCE FLATTERY: Tyra Banxxx, the porn star lookalike of Tyra Banks, took her namesake’s advice to “find a more respectable job” and released a new video called America’s Next Top Porn Star. (Page Six)
  • SELF-HATRED: Panic! at the Disco delcare emo to be “bullshit”. (NME)
  • MINDLESS ENTERTAINMENT: If someone made a feature film of nothing else but Brandon Davis being denied from Hyde (or “den-Hyde”, for short – coined it!), it could be the highest-grossing comedy of all time. Well, at least my favorite. (TMZ)
  • DOWNGRADE: I know he’s boycotting Cristal, but Jay-Z rapping about how many “Bud Selects” he swills back just doesn’t seem quite as impressive (unless you’re a frat guy, in which case that’s totally badass). (E! Online)

ICYMI: A Life In Pictures

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In a world of LoneyGirl15′s and Numa Kids, it’s rare that I say a YouTube sketch video flirts with genius, but Olde English’s spoof of the recent “picture-a-day” video trend, which tells the story of a man’s entire life in a cleverly cut-together series of still photographs, is pretty f’ing impressive. You’ll want to watch it several times to get all the jokes!

BWE SPORTS: We’re Getting Closer & Closer To Your Regularly Scheduled FOX Programming

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Tonight the New York Mets and the St. Louis Cardinals go head-to-head in Game 7 of the NLCS to determine who faces the Detroit Tigers in the World Series. So if you’re a Mets fan, Cardinals fan, or baseball fan you should be excited about a great night of baseball. Everybody else: be excited that you’re one step closer to all new episodes of Standoff, only on Fox!

Are you watching the game tonight? And if so, who are you rooting for? The Mets? The Cardinals? Or simply the return of your regularly scheduled programs? Vote now!