UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Injured? Bad Actor? Call Jacoby & Meyers

by

It took me a dozen viewings, but I think I finally figured out why this video is so funny. It’s not the lady who slips in the grocery store and it’s not the obviously fake construction worker dummy falling off a ladder. No. It’s the boy in the hospital bed in a cast. A cast that’s tied to a coat hanger that’s dangling from the ceiling. Yeah. That’s it. Call Jacoby & Meyers – they spare no expense.

ICYMI: Being An Illegal Alien Is Wiggity Wack, Yo!

by

Excuse the grainy home video footage, but we have finally located the only two rappers in the world who are actually worse than Kevin Federline. In what clearly has to be a part of our government’s reinvigorated immigration reform initiative, a couple of Immigration and Naturalization Services Agents use some fresh beats to bust out the 411 on how to find a better life in the US, without getting yourselves reported. If there’s one thing the swarthy heathens understand, it’s dope rhymes!

Hey Kids! Merry Christmaa-AOhhh My God!

by

ScaryClaus.JPGSanta Claus is a really endearing character. A chubby old man, red cheeks, fluffy white beard, red suit — animate that fat bastard right into our hearts! There is something slightly askew, however, about Mall Santas. Because underneath the layers of fat and felt is a failed middle-aged actor with a drinking problem getting paid to have children sit on his lap. Which is why this hilari-fying gallery of small children who are scared of Santa Claus hits so close to home. On one hand, it’s adorable… and on the other hand, memories of your own childhood nightmares will shoot straight into your rods, with your cones running for cover. Hey, at least Rip Torn has something he can fall back on! (via Boing Boing)

CAPTION THIS: Goldencuffs

by

Are the golden handcuffs hanging from Lindsay Lohan’s rearview mirror just another kinky sex toy, or are they actually a metaphorical cry for help, representing Lohan’s burning desire to be emancipated from her gilded prison of partying and humiliation? You be the judge!

lohangoldencuffs.jpg

Christian Finnegan Talks Politics, Tree People

by

finnegan.JPGMuch like Christian Finnegan, we’re not exactly sure we know what the interim U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations does. However, we have to agree with what Christian wrote in his latest Tower of Hubris blog entry: John Bolton is the goofiest looking human being to ever hold high office.

Take a look at that guy and tell he shouldn’t be living inside a tree. I mean, there are offices higher than Ambassador to the U.N. and there are probably people goofier looking than John Bolton. But to be that goofy and that powerful? Well, you really have to tip your hat. This dude is an inspiration–no longer will aesthetically challenged children be forced to say, “Gee, I’d really love to represent my country at the United Nations one day…but man, I’m just f**king goofy looking!”

Continue reading to see Christian’s list of goofy people who could replace Bolton. We agree with the second one from the top, mainly due to his previous experience as the leader of an Arab village (and his feud with Hulk Hogan.)

TRAILER MIX: David Lynch’s New Film Continues Exploration of Confusing Imagery, Batsh*t Insanity

by

As much as we love Blue Velvet, Twin Peaks, Mulholland Drive and most of director David Lynch’s other work, there’s no denying the fact that we don’t really understand any of these films. Sure, we have our moments of elevated consciousness in which we think we’ve figured out what all the keys and midgets and monsters are supposed to represent, but we inevitably forget the meaning of these things as soon as we sober up – or watch the movie again. Lynch’s new film, Inland Empire, seems to promise more of the same – here’s hoping for another hot lesbian scene.

LISTEN UP: We Are Obliged to Mary J. and Bad Puns

by

MARY J.JPG

  • Celebrate Billboard Music Award sweeper Mary J. Blige today by throwing your capezios on and letting loose to some remixes over at the Dreams of Horses blog.
  • Is Alice Smith the next big thing in R&B and beyond? Music is Art thinks so, and we kind of agree.
  • We weren’t even sure if we wanted to promote a band whose name is I Am The World Trade Center, but we really thought you should know that there’s a band out there with that name. You can hear their latest track at Your Standard Life.
  • Another Christmas Playlist at Faster Horses, Younger Women! And it includes South Park‘s Merry F***ing Christmas! Meaning it’s awesome.
  • And pay your respects to another angel, Elliott Smith, by listening to some rare live tracks at Paper Covers Rock.

ICYMI: Join Amy Poehler for a Little “Pube Talk”

by

We love Amy Poehler. It’s that simple. If you missed her mini-monologue directed at Britney Spears from Saturday Night Live this weekend, we beyg (yes, BEYG) you to watch it. Our new Myspace Headline? “There was a time when a lady garden was as big as a slice of New York pizza.” Amy is turning into kind of a pubic-hair-etiquette expert, with some hilarious grooming-related quotes in last month’s Bust Magazine as well. She’s the best!

Do You Heart New York? Well, She Don’t Heart You.

by

I missed the whole Flavor Of Love boat, but I think I’m going to love New York. What’s not to love about a woman who gets so repulsed by a guy’s neck beard she almost loses one of her fake eyelashes over it? That’s marriage material, my man. Check out this I Love New York preview. It’s hard to believe things didn’t work out with her and Flav, isn’t it?

CREDIT WHERE IT’S DUE: Dakota Fanning

by

72719333.jpgWe know we give lil’ actress Dakota Fanning a hard time. Whether she’s rounding up sheep for the eternal slaughter, strung out on heroin, hanging out with bi-polar rap stars, or getting raped in the movies, her early stardom and perma-grin have made her an easy target for those despicable heartless celebrity gossip blogs. But perhaps our schoolyard taunting is working? Because check lil’ Da-ki-ki out! Adorable, chic, age appropriate… We’re going to even forget that she’s wearing leggings because, hey, it’s better than a golden staff.

We should also point out that we’re only about T minus 2 years away from Dakota Gwynefying herself into such a beauty that no one would ever DARE to insult her style. Then the meth will kick in. Trust us.