How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.
I thought we’d get to see forever
But forever’s gone away
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
Friends. Family. Random dudes who have drunkenly hooked up with Tara after a long night at Hyde. Members of the media. It is with much sadness that we gather here today to say goodbye to Tara’s ridiculously large and somewhat deformed breast implants. During their brief time on Earth they touched so many people. So many people. They made a difference, and they won’t be forgotten any time soon. Every time we watch clips of Taradise on YouTube, we will remember. Every time we’re incredibly bored and/or hungover on a Sunday afternoon and catch Alone In The Dark on basic cable, we will remember. And every time a young starlet pops out of her dress in front of a room full of paparazzi and is too drugged out to realize what’s happening… we will remember.
Be strong, people. It’s not going to be easy. But we must do our best to accept Tara with open arms. She’s lost
a two big part(s) of who she is, which can’t be easy. However, we should all take solace in the fact that we know they’ve gone on to a better place; running around with Pamela Anderson’s old implants and Punky Brewster’s original D-Cups at that great breast reduction center in the sky. Amen.
Sure, this might just be some smutty hipster techno band’s strange Myspace page, and yes, they seem to genuinely appreciate/worship the real Paris Hilton. But Paris Hitler is a pretty fantastic nom de plume (and frankly, her song “Eye Wanna Nu Drug” is oddly addictive in an Atari-Pong kind of way), and an even better idea for a Halloween costume. (Wig? Check. Moustache? Check. Ass flap? Check.) Whether or not these techno folks actually hate the Jews, well, we’ll choose to believe they don’t… (though we’d easily believe the real Paris drops the k-bomb on a regular basis.)
Check out their profile here, and make sure to note the uncanny resemblance between Fred the Donut Guy and a certain you know who.
The following is a Public Service Announcement from the Office of Dangerous Celebrity Control.
All media professionals, paparazzi, doormen and random pedestrians in the Greater Los Angeles Area should heed this VERY IMPORTANT WARNING. Canadian pop singer Avril Lavigne is on the loose, armed and dangerous, and should only be approached, if absolutely necessary, with the utmost caution. Responsible for a slew of recent media attacks, Lavigne could stike anywhere, day or night (though probably at night, outside of some LA douchebag nightclub), employing any of the following terror tactics:
- Liberal use of middle finger.
- Shouting expletives (yes, even the dreaded “F-word”).
- Spitting on those who get too close to her.
- Making smooshed up frowny faces to show how tough she is.
- Inexplicable angst.
- Laughing and rambling incoherenly while drunk on two Smirnoff Ices.
- Smoking Cigarettes.
- Wearing Sex Pistols t-shirts purchased in a shopping mall.
- Stumbling around like a drunk whore.
- Blaring her “punk rock” music from the backseat of her Luxury SUV.
- Hurling insults at no one in particular.
- Disgustingly making out with her equally punk rock husband, the dude from Sum Charlotte 182.
- Tragically lacking any self-awareness.
The Avril Alert Level is currently set to: RED (Extemely High). Consider yourselves warned.
We love the local news. Specifically, the people who do the weather on the local news. In this clip we present to you the hippest weatherman this side of Long Beach. And your first nominee for Best Dated Pop Culture Reference In A News Program is…
Wonderful. I can hardly wait for 2008 so he can deliver the line, “We’re bringing Sexy Back… along with the humidity!”
Prepare to enjoy the three most mind-blowing minutes of your day. Sure, some cats can aim their tootsie rolls right into the bowl, but the following feline should sport an effing top hat and monocle, that is how classy it is.
(Thanks to Video Dog for the link!)
We’ve been known to catch a Lifetime original movie every now and again, whilst basting ourselves in Ben N’ Jerry’s “Self-Pitty” and throwing pages of My Mother/My Self onto our emotional fires to stay warm. But pardon us if we cock a suspicious eyebrow towards Lifetime’s latest addition to their estro-genderrific lineup: A movie entitled Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy, featuring an original song by India.Arie called “I Am Not My Hair”. (Aren’t you, India? Aren’t you?)
Upon further research, this made-for-tv-movie is intended to be a comedy, and is based on the chick-litty book of the same name. (A-phew!) A noony comedy, no doubt. The movie premieres October 23 at 9PM ET*, so feel free to Tivo it and add it to your All-Cancer Film Festival lineup. In the meantime, we’ll be checking for karma-induced tumors in the show-show.
*For the record, we will watch it, and cry for hours.
In an effort to prove to Oprah that Steadman will never love her as much as she does, Gayle King shows off her new ride.
Your turn. Leave your Captions in the Comments now. (via)
The celebrity sleuths over at The National Enquirer have an exclusive story on “one of Hollywood’s most shocking fights ever” (guess someone hasn’t seen the Carter Brothers Battle Royal?) between Grey’s Anatomy co-stars Isaiah “Love Jones” Washington and Patrick “McDreamy” Dempsey, whose heated disagreement escalated into a no-holds-barred on-set deathmatch culminating in a “chokehold”, “shoving” and someone being called “a bitch”. Ah, how frightening it can be when two highly paid pretty boy TV stars throw down in a slapfight of kindergarten playground proportions! Luckily, the violence and bloodshed was finally diffused when Washington “stormed off to his trailer to cool off” whilst Dempsey stood silently in utter “disbelief”. But don’t sigh relief yet, as “insiders” are reporting that “the feud is far from over”. What could these gladiators possibly have in store for round 2 of their raging rumble? Only time will tell, but if peace-keeping efforts aren’t made soon, someone’s agent could end up getting a choicely-worded letter.
There’s been a lot of talk about Barbara Streisand lately — and not just surrounding her oddly come-hither rack. During her record 47th Farewell Tour, Babs attempts some SNL-worthy humor by bringing out a George W. Bush impersonator and a whole lot of political angst. Yentl then had the moxy to tell one heckler to “Shut the f*** up.” Wonder what all the controversy is about? Take a look at some of the cutting edge comedy happening in your parents’ world. We’re still waiting to see Celine Dion riding a tandem bicycle with Condoleeza Rice while singing “Power of Love”.