When we initially reported about Jessica Simpson‘s breakdown while singing Dolly Parton‘s “9-to-5″ at the Kennedy Center Honors this weekend, there were two things that seemed fairly certain: 1. It sounded like an intensely embarrassing, startling (and definitely hilarious) experience, what with Simpson flubbing the lines and then quitting mid-song, blaming “nerves”; and 2. The performance would definitely never, ever see the light of day, especially considering that Simpson re-recorded the song at the end of the event for when it will air on CBS.
So it was actually our faces that turned red when none other than Inside Edition nabbed footage from the show… and, brace yourselves… it’s much less humiliating than we had prayed. Kind of looks like Jessica had eaten some New Jersey Taco Bell pre-song, or perhaps she remains one of the few celebrities with just enough body fat to maintain period cramps. Even her dash off the stage is kind of boring, and even a little… (gulp) cute. And we finally discover the one thing that Ashlee Simpson does better than Jessica: Making a complete ass out of herself on television. Sometimes, moments like these are best saved for the Youtube that is our perverted imaginations.
p.s. How sweet is Reese Witherspoon?
It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, December 5th! Desiree is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town, Friday Night Lights, Victoria’s Secret Fasion, and Boston Legal!
Read more of Desiree at mebigyoulittle.blogspot.com
It took me a dozen viewings, but I think I finally figured out why this video is so funny. It’s not the lady who slips in the grocery store and it’s not the obviously fake construction worker dummy falling off a ladder. No. It’s the boy in the hospital bed in a cast. A cast that’s tied to a coat hanger that’s dangling from the ceiling. Yeah. That’s it. Call Jacoby & Meyers – they spare no expense.
Excuse the grainy home video footage, but we have finally located the only two rappers in the world who are actually worse than Kevin Federline. In what clearly has to be a part of our government’s reinvigorated immigration reform initiative, a couple of Immigration and Naturalization Services Agents use some fresh beats to bust out the 411 on how to find a better life in the US, without getting yourselves reported. If there’s one thing the swarthy heathens understand, it’s dope rhymes!
Santa Claus is a really endearing character. A chubby old man, red cheeks, fluffy white beard, red suit — animate that fat bastard right into our hearts! There is something slightly askew, however, about Mall Santas. Because underneath the layers of fat and felt is a failed middle-aged actor with a drinking problem getting paid to have children sit on his lap. Which is why this hilari-fying gallery of small children who are scared of Santa Claus hits so close to home. On one hand, it’s adorable… and on the other hand, memories of your own childhood nightmares will shoot straight into your rods, with your cones running for cover. Hey, at least Rip Torn has something he can fall back on! (via Boing Boing)
Are the golden handcuffs hanging from Lindsay Lohan’s rearview mirror just another kinky sex toy, or are they actually a metaphorical cry for help, representing Lohan’s burning desire to be emancipated from her gilded prison of partying and humiliation? You be the judge!
Much like Christian Finnegan, we’re not exactly sure we know what the interim U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations does. However, we have to agree with what Christian wrote in his latest Tower of Hubris blog entry: John Bolton is the goofiest looking human being to ever hold high office.
Take a look at that guy and tell he shouldn’t be living inside a tree. I mean, there are offices higher than Ambassador to the U.N. and there are probably people goofier looking than John Bolton. But to be that goofy and that powerful? Well, you really have to tip your hat. This dude is an inspiration–no longer will aesthetically challenged children be forced to say, “Gee, I’d really love to represent my country at the United Nations one day…but man, I’m just f**king goofy looking!”
Continue reading to see Christian’s list of goofy people who could replace Bolton. We agree with the second one from the top, mainly due to his previous experience as the leader of an Arab village (and his feud with Hulk Hogan.)
As much as we love Blue Velvet, Twin Peaks, Mulholland Drive and most of director David Lynch’s other work, there’s no denying the fact that we don’t really understand any of these films. Sure, we have our moments of elevated consciousness in which we think we’ve figured out what all the keys and midgets and monsters are supposed to represent, but we inevitably forget the meaning of these things as soon as we sober up – or watch the movie again. Lynch’s new film, Inland Empire, seems to promise more of the same – here’s hoping for another hot lesbian scene.