CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Jesus Christ

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happyfeet.jpg1. Even a sh*t-faced Danny Devito in that terrible costume from Batman Returns couldn’t stop the world-dominating momentum of these happy little dancing arctic birds$17 million

2. Timothy Dalton’s dreams of a James Bond worse than he was have been dashed, yet again$15.1 million

3. SPOLER ALERT: In the surprise twist ending, you find out everyone is actually dreaming and dead and related and in an elaborate computer program in the future – $11 million

4. It would seem that Hollywood’s prized Film-going Christian audience is far more interested in the bloody beating and torturing of Christ than they are in the peaceful, angelic Christmas morning that marked his miraculous birth. Or mabye they just think the girl who played Virgin Mary is a whore. – $8 million

5. Danny DeVito’s 15 drunken minutes on The View packed in way more entertainment and laughs than the entire two hours of reheated “neighbors trying to outdo each other with Christmas lights” this movie had to offer – $6.6 million

ICYMI: Do Re Mi Doogie Is Les Miserawesome!

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Last week on The Megan Mullally Show, Neil Patrick Harris taught Hollywood closet cases an important lesson about the perks of publicly coming out – you are now completely free to be as gay as you’d like, which Doogie embraces by an impromptu performance from Les Mis. You listenin’, Cruise? You’re one People Magazine cover away from realizing your lifelong dream of performing “Memories” from Cats perched fabulously atop Oprah’s sofa.

The Amazing Race: You Say “Tomato”, I Say “They’re Hitting Me In The Face!!”

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ROBKIMB.JPGIt is a rare day indeed that an hour of CBS reality programming can pack as many laughs into it as the America’s Funniest Home Video $100,000 Spectacular. But that is exactly what we had with last night’s slap-sticky Amazing Race episode, where the four remaining teams battled it out to be one of three teams racing for the $1 million prize. Last week, the Blondies came in last, meaning they had to come in first place this leg, or beat another team by more than a 30 minute margin. Rob/Kim, Druggy Zoolanders, Racist Queens and the Bama Sisters began their journey in Morocco, where they were instructed to grind, kebab and ingest a surprisingly delicious-looking plate of camel meat. No, really, we wouldn’t even need a challenge to eat these… maybe, like, two martinis. We even went to the kitchen looking for something to nosh on, and sadly, camel-kebabs were not on the menu (as per usual, Luna Bars were.) The teams tore through this one with ease, except for the perpetually full Kim, who gagged after every bite. If there’s one thing we love, it’s watching anos be forced eat a meal… of camel meat.

The Blondies then have the nerve to ask the Model Boys if they would allow them to step on the mat first, so that they wouldn’t be eliminated. Further exhibiting more reasons to dislike them — their constant feeling of entitlement. The teams then travel to a city that’s been on our reality tv radars quite a bit lately: Barcelona, also the city of choice on America’s Next Top Model this season. It is in this city that we are treated to, hands down, the most hilarious Detour in the history of The Amazing Race.

Keep reading the recap after the jump, and tell us who you’ll be rooting for in the Finale!

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While You Were Putting In The Thought That Counts At The Mall

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  • Paris Hilton has backed out of hosting the Billboard Music Awards on account of her unwillingness to makes jokes about her peers they might consider “hurtful or embarassing”. Besides, Paris’ peers prefer thier hurtfulness and embarassment to be self-inflicted.
  • Britney Spears turned 25 on Saturday. She celebrated by hanging out with Paris Hilton and having a paparazzi pop out of her vagina, then take their picture.
  • Kevin Federline is trying to put together a reality show about his life after Britney, tentatively entitled, “Please Continue To Pay Attention To Me – I Promise I’ll Do Lots More Dumb Sh*t For You To Laugh At”.
  • Speaking of “moving on”, Kid Rock has replaced one bimbo with two.
  • Oprah’s pal Gayle King suggested that they occasionally use the “N-word” in the privacy of each other’s company. Specifically, when they’re on Oprah’s plantation, and Gayle hasn’t done her daily chores, Oprah has been known to drop a few N-bombs.

BEST OF THE BWE: Bimbo Summit

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  • Britney Spears crawls out of her K-Fed trashcan, hops right into the Paris Hilton wastebasket, and subsequently launches a shock and awe campaign of vaginal ubiquity, leaving her vajeen no choice but to stop by and say hello.
  • Danny DeVito gets hammered with Clooney and acts awesome on The View, outraging Babs Walters uptight douchebags everywhere. Rosie O’Donnell comes to his defense, tosses out a blind item about a crackhead celeb, and oh what the hell, does a Milkshake dance that will haunt our dreams for years to come.
  • Lindsay Lohan half-steps onto the wagon, then turns right around and swan dives right back off of it into a big pool of Grey Goose and embarassment.
  • In case you stopped paying attention days ago, Michael Richards is still a crazy racist.
  • In yet another blow to Absurdly Unrealistic Celebrity Romance, Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson’s union of stupidity draws to its inevitable close.
  • The kids are going Wii Wii Wii all the way home, then destroying said home.

For more about the misadventures of these crazy kids, and everything else that happened this week, tune into Best Week Ever on Vh1 tonight at 11pm Eastern!

Jack Nicholson: “Shaving is for P*ss**s.”

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Do you know why we love this picture of Jack Nicholson? Because here is a man who woke up in the morning, forgot to shave a good 20 percent of his neck, and clearly still does not give a sh*t what people think about him. You know if we found a shot of Geraldo Rivera with a patch of his Grandmother’s crotch quilt growing out of his face, it would be paydirt, breaking news, hilarity ensuing, etc etc. But this picture only goes to reiterate one very important point: Even with elderly-face-pubis and slighly askew glasses, Jack Nicholson is the f***ing man. We hope he grows it long and attaches a bead to the end of it.

UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: No One Says Black Rock Cod?!*

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This might be the funniest/most surreal Family Feud question we’ve seen ever. The question: What kind of fish describes your man in the bedroom? The answers: Make little to no sense. Take our word and stick around for the end, when host John O’Hurley reveals those fish not chosen. Survey says? Hilarious.

*FYI: Black Rock Cod is a real fish.