Jessica Simpson Wins Car, Inspires Thoughts of Suicide

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Simpson.JPGWhile we were busy panhandling for enough money to buy a single, crispy ramen noodle, Jessica Simpson was busy scouring the swag booths at the VMA Music Awards. Simpson picked out clothing and accessories she liked, including a stop at the Nessa Lee Style suite, where she strung along something other than a mildly retarded public: charm bracelets. Simpson chose a moon for rest and an apple for health — but, when learning that the dolphin (or tursiops truncatus) charm stood for intelligence, Simpson responded with a “Who needs that?” While 5 of our brain neurons thought that maaaybe she was being sarcastic, we then remembered that any girl low enough to shtup Dane Cook probably thinks sarcasm is an orgasm’s funny, quirky, younger brother.

Then, in a stinging slap to all of our egos, Jessica Simpson also won a car. Yes — a $50,000 Chrysler! (Equivalent to the price of a single, solid platinum hair extension.) Thankfully, Jess will now be able to drive herself store to store down Rodeo Drive — we just hope she’s able to clean out the junk in her trunk. Hey-O!

James Bonds With Dudes

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craig.jpgJames Bond fanatics have had a lot to complain about over the decision to name Daniel Craig the new Bond. For starters, he has blonde hair, and… um… he has blonde hair! Where the f**k does he get off???

Well, a few short months away from the release of Casino Royale, Mr. Craig has given them something else to get their panties up in a bunch over. An on-screnn kiss. With a dude.

Craig plays one of the men who brutally murdered a Kansas farm family in “Infamous,” which examines Truman Capote’s emotional journey into the minds of two killers that formed the core of his true-crime novel, “In Cold Blood.” An attachment grew between Capote and confessed killer Perry Smith during the long periods the author spent in Kansas teasing out their story, and in a pivotal moment, the two men kiss.

What an octo-pussy! The question is; if the producers wanted to make James Bond a blonde guy who kisses men, why didn’t they just go with the obvious choice?

ICYMI: Are You K-F*cking Kidding Me?

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As if last night’s VMAs didn’t provide us all with enough awesomeness to last a lifetime, K-Fed has decided that today would be an appropriate time to unleash his new music video, “Lose Control”, upon the world. It’s sort of like having a hangover and getting kicked in the head (less metaphorically for us), but whatevs – just embrace the suck, and let it wash all over you.

Baby Toupees Help with Month-Life Crisis

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babytoupee.JPGLook, it’s Friday. You’re hungover, you’re spent, you got 3 days now to recharge your battery before the reality of the life you created for yourself hits you come Tuesday. In the meantime, forget your worries away with a new website that proves that even though you truly hate yourself, babies will always be bald.

Babytoupee2.JPGBaby Toupee offers tiny, miniature wigs to cover up that embarassing post-natal problem of soft, exposed skull tissue. They offer various celebrity styles, so that your baby can start emulating Lil’ Kim from the time it’s daddy stopped calling you, or the Bob Marley style, which looks as though your baby poops right out of his hair follicles. There is much fun to be had here folks!

SIZZLER: VMA Pre-Party Delivers “Steamy, Face-to-Crotch Lap Dance”

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Lachey.JPGThis morning’s Page Six gossip column gives a brief rundown of various pre-VMA parties from Wednesday night. But thrown into the mix are two items we can’t wrap our brains around. To wit:

*Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey raised eyebrows at the bash held at Tenjune… Minnillo was “all over Nick,” said our source – and the feeling was mutual. At one point, Lachey leapt up and gave his woman a steamy, face-to-crotch lap dance. Also there was Ryan Seacrest, who hung all night with Lance Bass and his boy toy Reichen Lehmkuhl.

Well, ladies and gentleman, you know it’s love when yo man is willin’ to give you a Face-2-Crotch lap dance in public! But Suri-Cruise-iously — what the hell does that even mean? It seems physically impossible to give someone a lapdance while your face is in their crotch. And while we’re on the subject of crotches, could the Ryan Seacrest sighting really be true? And if it is, why jump to concloozh? So Ryan Seacrest was hanging out all night with Lance Bass? And so what if you could cut their sexual chemistry with a gay blade? RYAN SEACREST LIKES TAKING PHOTO OPPS WITH WOMEN, OK? He likes to kiss WOMEN tightly and coldly on the lips in public, OK, not men. Thank you.

POLL: What Did You Love About The VM-Ehhhhs?

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VMAindiecred2.JPGThe VMA’s always get people talking. Granted, it usually gets them saying things like “Geez, the VMA’s really sucked this year, didn’t they?” but still. People are talking.

The show wasn’t all that bad last night… was it? There had to be something you enjoyed… right? Like OK Go’s treadmill dance, or Jack Black lighting himself on fire, or Justin Timberlake bringing sexy back. Did any of that do it for you? No? Hmm.

How about the return of Lil’ Kim? Or the Jackass guys acting like idiots? Or the idiot that stormed the stage acting like a jackass? Anything? How about the fact that it’s over?

Click below to vote for your favorite part of the VMA’s… then tell us what you really thought of them in the comments. And it’s okay- if you secretly liked them, we won’t tell anybody.

Toilet Upstager Kyra Phillips Speaks in List Form!

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KYRA.JPGKyra Phillips, the CNN anchor whose mic was on while she used the facilities during President Bush‘s speech, is becoming a bit of a celeb. One might even say she’s on… a PEE.r. blitz? Kyra visited David Letterman last night, where she received the honor of counting down the night’s Top 10 List, “Top Ten Kyra Phillips Excuses Presented by CNN Anchor Kyra Phillips.” Here they are – and feel free to one up the list in the comments:

10. “Still haven’t mastered complicated On/Off switch.”

9. “Larry King told me he does this all the time.”

8. “How was I supposed to know we had a reporter embedded in the bathroom?”

7. “I honestly never knew this sort of thing was frowned upon.”

6. “Couldn’t resist chance to win $10,000 on ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos.’”

5. “I was set up by those bastards at Fox News.”

4. “Oh, like YOU’VE never gone to the bathroom and had it broadcast on national television!”

3. “I just wanted that hunky Lou Dobbs to notice me.”

2. “OK, so I was drunk and couldn’t think straight.”

1. “You have to admit, it made the speech a lot more interesting.”

PROPPED: Baby Fight!

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SP Federline or The Brangelina Experiment: who would win a baby fight? Thanks to this video dropped by CynicallyTested we finally have an answer. Check it out.

Got something you want to share with us? Drop it now!

While You Were Fighting Off Your VMA Hangover

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  • Lindsay Lohan’s boyfriend, Harry Morton, is rumored to have purchased an engagement ring. Presumably because he intends to… marry Lindsay Lohan!?!? The poor soul.
  • Kevin Federline has finally signed a deal with a record label. Sadly, the deal isn’t “I promise I’ll stop rapping if you pay me a whole lot of money.”
  • Christian Slater stunned onlookers by running off with $7,000 worth of freebies at an MTV party. Onlookers were initially stunned when they discovered Christian Slater was actually invited to an MTV party.
  • Dave Grohl wants to get drunk with two Australian miners who listened to his music while trapped underground. Come on. Haven’t they suffered enough?
  • Vanity Fair is hiring armed guards to protect their Suri Cruise cover. The similarities to Area 51 are astounding, no?