While most of America camps out for various gaming devices, we’ve been camping out for something else entirely: Katherine McPhee‘s new album, entitled TBD. While the songs and their titles have been kept under heavy lock and key, someone at a McPhee message board revealed the lyrics to three of her new songs, “Over It”, “Each Other” and “Open Toes.” The first two songs sound like they were churned out from a mongoloidy-song-o-matic (everyone knows Mongolians are horrible song-writers), but “Open Toes” in particular, an ode to her McPheet, deserves a special read through. Here’s a sampling:
The pedicure, white tip french/ Those legs donâ€™t make no sense
Iâ€™m not rich but I bought a diamond anklet/ Keep it on, it goes with my outfit
Hey, letâ€™s go/ If theyâ€™re not too high, too low
Iâ€™ll take them home/ In purple, red, or gold
Cause I know, them boys/ They like those open toes
“Open Toes” might seriously be one of the worst songs ever written… Notice we say might. Because we want to challenge you, America, to write a worse song than “Open Toes”. We don’t think it’s possible to write worse lyrics, but you can prove it possible. So choose an inanimate object, pluck some magnetic poetry pieces out of a velveteen sack, and leave your “We Dare You To Write A Worse Song!” entry in the comments section. If you need inspiration, the lyrics can be found after the jump. And it is a MUST READ.
Since I work at VH1 I probably should’ve known that Jim Breuer was taking over Web Junk 20. Of course, I had no idea. But he is, and that’s great because Jim Breuer is hilarious. I was able to pull some strings (read: ask a dude in the next office over) and get a clip from tonight’s show. Enjoy.
Mike Tyson – The one-time rapist agrees to take a job as a male prostitute at Heidi Fleiss’ new brothel for women.
O.J. Simpson – Reminds everybody that he did, in fact, murder his ex-wife ten years ago through a “hypothetical” book titled “If I Did It.”
Emmitt Smith – Wins Dances With The Stars, upsets every Dallas Cowboys fan who owns a Smith jersey because now they’ll be stopped at shopping malls by women who want to know if they voted for him too.
Tough call. Leave your answer in the Comments.
By now you’ve all undoubtedly heard plenty about the big Orange Juice Simspson
hypothetical confession coming up on FOX – but what you might not have heard about is the business behind turning this unnecessary and disrespectful bit of sensationalism into must-see-TV. First, one must ask themselves, why would OJ ostensibly come right out and admit to committing a brutal and unforgivable murder? The answer, obviously, is money. You see, a leisurely lifestyle that consists mostly of golfing and partying does not come cheap, and having already failed at the obligatory Celebrity Sex Tape method of shady cash-making, OJ and his team of morally upstanding business associates are turning to the old Salacioius Tell-All Auto-biography scheme. As reprehensible as this may be, why even bother directing your outrage at The Juice? He doesn’t give a sh*t – this is a guy who MURDERED two people. So who IS to blame for this blight upon human decency?
Gary did not go to Julliard for 6 years to have some carrot-topped, spoiled Dutchess of York, Fergie-ass bitch take away his only acting job prospect since whistling the P.C. Richards theme song last year.
We are really excited about this picture. Endless possibilties! Leave your captions in the comments!
As scary and evil as The Devil Wears Prada made Vogue editor Anna Wintour out to be, I have no doubt that there are still countless hordes of wide-eyed young fashion maven wannabes out there who would give their left Manolo Blahnik to sit in Wintour’s famed Personal Assistant Torture Chamber. If you count yourself as one of these tragically wayward individuals, you’ll be delighted to know that Gawker is reporting a rumored opening in the Office Chair of Nightmarish Misery. We wish you the best of luck in the application process, and may God have mercy upon your soul, because Anna (whose legendary brand of sadism Barbara Walters finds fascinating, incidentally) most certainly will not.
New pictures of Suri Cruise emerged yesterday, clutched in her father’s sure and staid grip. And as you may know, we love Suri. She’s looking more beautiful than ever, with a face that will likely mature into its own Benetton ad campaign. But we couldn’t let this go without pointing out the uncanny similarity between future superstar Suri and the kick-ass Lucy Liu. It’s like, if Anderson Cooper and her had a baby, it would be Suri. Mystery (gulp) solved?
Uh-oh, Steve-O: let’s get one thing very straight here. You DO NOT f*ck with pretty-boy actor Stephen Dorff, even if you ARE a person who’s famous for lighting your nuts on fire. Dorff knows people. Dangerous people. People who will have you ERASED should you make the mistake of bringing his bimbo model ex-girlfriend, who he now thinks is a “dumb fat b*tch”, to lunch with you at the wrong places. Listen in sheer terror at the chilling sound of Dorff’s deadly voice – the same voice you might, but probably don’t, remember from his harrowing work in Backbeat, Space Truckers and Cecil B. DeMented – quivering with rage as he calmly assures a certain Jackass that his days of degrading and humiliating himself are now numbered.
Do you love tuning into NBC’s Deal Or No Deal to watch people shout at suitcases contaning various prize dollar amounts? Do you hate Howie Mandel and wish he wouldn’t keep interrupting all the shouting with his stupid attempts at humor? Do you wish that you could be the person shouting at those suitcases? Well it’s your lucky day, because we’ve located something will provide you with hours of shouting at suitcase fun – it’s the Deal Or No Deal Online Game! You’re going to need a lot of smarts and a lot of skill to select the random suitcase that contains the most fake prize money you will not receive for winning. Now let’s make a deal!