JonBenet Becomes Hot Ticket in Young Hollywood

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Dakotes.JPGThe recent arrest of JonBenet Ramsey‘s real killer has brought to light two things: 1. O.J. Simpson‘s quest to find Nicole’s killer is totes “game on”; and 2. While this is certainly a terrible tragedy, we have to think that someone, somewhere, is already working on The JonBenet Ramsey Story. Because, whether you like it or not, little girls strutting around like 45-year-old prosties sells.

So while it may seem too soon, you have to wonder… who is going to play JonBenet? We batted a couple of ideas back and forth (Little Miss Sunshine‘s Abby Breslin, while adorable, doesn’t have the maturity to pull the role off). Then we realized there was a simple, one word answer: Dakota. Dakota Fanning, so desperate for an Oscar that she’s already willing to get raped on tape, would make an excellent JonBenet. Sure, she’s twice JonBenet’s age, but she could easily tie sneakers to her knees and CGI out her calves, like a veritable “Dorf on a Child Murdering Spree.” Or perhaps her younger sister, 8-year-old Elle Fanning, is available. She’s so tiny and easily exploitable!

As far as JonBenet’s killer is concerned, Defamer has this one all bagged up: Dylan Baker.

LISTEN UP: A Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • Silence Is a Rhythm Too samples the goods from the recent double disc re-issue from The Cure. Misery has never made me so happy!
  • Brooklyn Vegan has tracks from the clap-happy rockers Takka Takka, which makes sense since they’re about to go on tour with Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.
  • Muzzle of Bees serves up a couple filets from Catfish Haven, who apparently blew everyone’s drug-addled minds at this year’s Lollapalooza Festival.
  • The Yellow Stereo is previewing a bunch of new albums, including the latest from my ex-roommate, the immensely talented Kaki King.
  • Head over to Pop Tarts Suck Toasted to grab tracks by Viva Voce and Silversun Pickups, then let me know what the hell all the buzz is about.

PROPPED: Sam L. on the Motherf*cking Daily Show

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In all your breathless anticipation for tomorrow’s long-awaited release of Snakes on a Plane, tide yourselves over with this clip, dropped by reader jenparker, of Samuel L. Jackson on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, discussing how such a film could ever come into existence, how he feels about its director and a clip featuring the already-classic “I’m sick of these motherf*cking snakes on this motherf*cking plane” line we’re all so desperate to see.

Don’t forget to drop us off some more of these motherf*cking links so we can put them on the motherf*cking blog!

SIZZLER: Gnarls Barkley Is Crazy About Safe Sex

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gnarls.jpgThose paper trailblazers at The Smoking Gun have gonnen their hands on a concert rider for hip-hop’s sensation of the summer, Gnarls Barkley, and the duo’s backstage demands are surprisingly tawdry. They look like such mild-mannered nice boys, but based on this requested inventory, their dressing rooms sound like booze-and-veggie-tray-fueled orgies with over-sized MAGNUM condoms! What’s interesting is that only one of the dressing rooms requires rubbers (the other requests tube socks, which I pray aren’t for contraceptive purposes), so that means one of the guys is either in a monogomous relationship or not sexually active. Take a look at the lists for each dressing room, then in the comments section try to guess whose “socks” are Cee-Lo’s are whose are DangerMouse’s!

ICYMI: “Hiphopketball, a Jazzebration”

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Big ups to our boy over at Double Viking for dropping the fire funny by bringing us this clip of Stephen Colbert’s amazing documentary about basketball, hip-hop and jazz – way before that punk b*tch Kareem Abdul-Jabbar tried to steal his idea:

While You Were Busting Out of Rehab

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  • Justin Timberlake has gone on record saying he’s not part of the Soul Patrol, and that Taylor Hicks “can’t carry a tune in a bucket”. Sort of like the HS quarterback picking on the weird-but-popular new kid who just moved to town.
  • A character on The Young & The Restless has come out of the closet and revealed that he is Jewish. Could the writers be setting up the arrival of a drunken Jew-hating villain? It would make sense considering this is pretty much going to be Mel Gibson’s only post-rehab career option.
  • Some country singer douchebag has been charged with purchasing a tame black bear, putting into a pen, and killing it with a bow & arrow. Here’s hoping that the punishment fits the crime and someone ends up squealing like a pig.
  • Nicole Richie blames her unhealthily skinny figure on too much stress. I blame it on too much not eating.
  • Eddie Murphy and Scary Spice are planning a trip to Disneyland so their kids can meet each other. The only way they could possibly make this any more terrifyingly awkward is by leaving the kids in the Haunted Mansion for the entire day, then forcing them to watch Pluto Nash while mommy practices her new single.

Best Night Ever: Wednesday, August 16th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Wednesday, August 16th! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Wednesday night tv, including Rockstar, America’s Got Talent, and Project Runway!

…OF THE DAY

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  • BREAKING NEWS: Mel Gibson isn’t in rehab after all! He’s in an outpatient program that has him “not drinking” in the comfort of his own home! Shocking! News! Oh, also, something about police catching JonBenet‘s killer… we didn’t really read it. (Defamer, CNN)
  • SHOCK AND CLAWS: Joan Rivers‘ new talk show, Can We Dish?, will be gay. No, we mean really gay. You know your Uncle that never got married? Even your Uncle is like “Miss Thing, that show is a ki ki!” (Loose translation: “Friend, that show is gay.”) (NY Observer)
  • LE-WHO ZA-CARES: Time travel back to when you were 13-years-old, when learning about the Ace Ventura 3 sequel would’ve made your week. Now fast forward to your current age, and realize that Ace Ventura 3 will not make you any less lonely or unsuccessful. And Jim Carrey‘s not even in it! (E! Online)
  • VIRAL DOMINATION: YouTube wants to offer every music video ever made available on their website. When asked about the plan, an apathetic MTV simply rolled their eyes, shrugged, and continued watching The Real World: Does Not Contain This Many Attractive People. (Fox News)
  • GRUESOME TWOSOME: Johnny Depp will pair up with Tim Burton to make the film adaption of the musical Sweeney Todd. How early can you start camping out for something, Star Wars-style? (Note that we are currently camping out for Snakes on a Plane tickets.) (Associated Press)

FRED’S CORNER: You Had Me At “Dear Fred…”

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moonmanOur Executive Producer, Fred Graver, felt compelled to write in with the following missive:

I have a new BFF. Just ten minutes ago, a box arrived in my office, containing a new Sony PSP! According to the letter, which is signed “Sony Pictures Television,” (a name I’m unable to add to my MySpace friends list, alas…) I am “one of an elite group to receive this item!” My new BFF says that he’s “decided to have a little fun with three of our new series.” How excited am I?

The PSP includes podcasts and pix from three new series Sony is premiering this fall: ’Til Death, Kidnapped, and Runaway. Sony Pictures Television says he hopes I enjoy my new toy and find the enclosed materials compelling enough to share. Well, SonyPicturesTelevision (are we good enough friends yet that I can rush all three of your names into one?), you had me at “Dear Fred.” And let me tell you, THIS is some compelling television, my friends. Let’s start with ‘Til Death. It stars lovable-but-compelling hunk Brad Garret and Ellen’s compelling old girlfriend Joely Richardson.

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Watch here as the creators are interviewed in what sounds like a busy shopping mall or local abattoir…

You know what else is compelling? Jeremy Sisto – formerly known as the psycho brother of the psycho siblings in Six Feet Under. I’d watch him do anything…particularly in his new compelling series Kidnapped.

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I don’t think Jeremy got a PSP from Sony — he just says the show is a “really interesting concept.” Me, I find it compelling.

Save room for dessert! Runaway stars Donnie Wahlberg as a Dad who’s been accused of a compelling crime he didn’t commit… forcing his family to stand around looking like the old gang from 21 Jump Street.

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Here’s Darren Star, the man who brought you Sex in the City, and one of the show’s stars who used to be on 24, telling you that this show isn’t like 24, although they all like 24 on the show and want it to share some of 24′s qualities, but not too many.

Well, that’s about it. These new shows sure are compelling, and this new PSP sure is sweet. Hey, Sony… if you like this, see what you’ll get if you send me a new dvd player and a 50 inch flat screen!

ICYMI: Dennis Leery of Gibson

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Dennis Leary rescued an otherwise lackluster Red Sox game last night. When Leary learns that Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis is Jewish, he lets loose a passion-fueled anti-Mel Gibson rant that has the guys in the booth crying laughing. It’s the Leary we know, love, and sometimes miss. If this rant were an actress, her name would be Hilario Dawson.

(Video via Deadspin)

You can also read a transcript of the action here.