While You Were Busting Out of Rehab

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  • Justin Timberlake has gone on record saying he’s not part of the Soul Patrol, and that Taylor Hicks “can’t carry a tune in a bucket”. Sort of like the HS quarterback picking on the weird-but-popular new kid who just moved to town.
  • A character on The Young & The Restless has come out of the closet and revealed that he is Jewish. Could the writers be setting up the arrival of a drunken Jew-hating villain? It would make sense considering this is pretty much going to be Mel Gibson’s only post-rehab career option.
  • Some country singer douchebag has been charged with purchasing a tame black bear, putting into a pen, and killing it with a bow & arrow. Here’s hoping that the punishment fits the crime and someone ends up squealing like a pig.
  • Nicole Richie blames her unhealthily skinny figure on too much stress. I blame it on too much not eating.
  • Eddie Murphy and Scary Spice are planning a trip to Disneyland so their kids can meet each other. The only way they could possibly make this any more terrifyingly awkward is by leaving the kids in the Haunted Mansion for the entire day, then forcing them to watch Pluto Nash while mommy practices her new single.

Best Night Ever: Wednesday, August 16th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Wednesday, August 16th! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Wednesday night tv, including Rockstar, America’s Got Talent, and Project Runway!

…OF THE DAY

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  • BREAKING NEWS: Mel Gibson isn’t in rehab after all! He’s in an outpatient program that has him “not drinking” in the comfort of his own home! Shocking! News! Oh, also, something about police catching JonBenet‘s killer… we didn’t really read it. (Defamer, CNN)
  • SHOCK AND CLAWS: Joan Rivers‘ new talk show, Can We Dish?, will be gay. No, we mean really gay. You know your Uncle that never got married? Even your Uncle is like “Miss Thing, that show is a ki ki!” (Loose translation: “Friend, that show is gay.”) (NY Observer)
  • LE-WHO ZA-CARES: Time travel back to when you were 13-years-old, when learning about the Ace Ventura 3 sequel would’ve made your week. Now fast forward to your current age, and realize that Ace Ventura 3 will not make you any less lonely or unsuccessful. And Jim Carrey‘s not even in it! (E! Online)
  • VIRAL DOMINATION: YouTube wants to offer every music video ever made available on their website. When asked about the plan, an apathetic MTV simply rolled their eyes, shrugged, and continued watching The Real World: Does Not Contain This Many Attractive People. (Fox News)
  • GRUESOME TWOSOME: Johnny Depp will pair up with Tim Burton to make the film adaption of the musical Sweeney Todd. How early can you start camping out for something, Star Wars-style? (Note that we are currently camping out for Snakes on a Plane tickets.) (Associated Press)

FRED’S CORNER: You Had Me At “Dear Fred…”

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moonmanOur Executive Producer, Fred Graver, felt compelled to write in with the following missive:

I have a new BFF. Just ten minutes ago, a box arrived in my office, containing a new Sony PSP! According to the letter, which is signed “Sony Pictures Television,” (a name I’m unable to add to my MySpace friends list, alas…) I am “one of an elite group to receive this item!” My new BFF says that he’s “decided to have a little fun with three of our new series.” How excited am I?

The PSP includes podcasts and pix from three new series Sony is premiering this fall: ’Til Death, Kidnapped, and Runaway. Sony Pictures Television says he hopes I enjoy my new toy and find the enclosed materials compelling enough to share. Well, SonyPicturesTelevision (are we good enough friends yet that I can rush all three of your names into one?), you had me at “Dear Fred.” And let me tell you, THIS is some compelling television, my friends. Let’s start with ‘Til Death. It stars lovable-but-compelling hunk Brad Garret and Ellen’s compelling old girlfriend Joely Richardson.

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Watch here as the creators are interviewed in what sounds like a busy shopping mall or local abattoir…

You know what else is compelling? Jeremy Sisto – formerly known as the psycho brother of the psycho siblings in Six Feet Under. I’d watch him do anything…particularly in his new compelling series Kidnapped.

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I don’t think Jeremy got a PSP from Sony — he just says the show is a “really interesting concept.” Me, I find it compelling.

Save room for dessert! Runaway stars Donnie Wahlberg as a Dad who’s been accused of a compelling crime he didn’t commit… forcing his family to stand around looking like the old gang from 21 Jump Street.

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Here’s Darren Star, the man who brought you Sex in the City, and one of the show’s stars who used to be on 24, telling you that this show isn’t like 24, although they all like 24 on the show and want it to share some of 24′s qualities, but not too many.

Well, that’s about it. These new shows sure are compelling, and this new PSP sure is sweet. Hey, Sony… if you like this, see what you’ll get if you send me a new dvd player and a 50 inch flat screen!

ICYMI: Dennis Leery of Gibson

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Dennis Leary rescued an otherwise lackluster Red Sox game last night. When Leary learns that Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis is Jewish, he lets loose a passion-fueled anti-Mel Gibson rant that has the guys in the booth crying laughing. It’s the Leary we know, love, and sometimes miss. If this rant were an actress, her name would be Hilario Dawson.

(Video via Deadspin)

You can also read a transcript of the action here.

Project Runway: Ralph Fiennes Is Just Like Us

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RALPHFIENNES.JPGSomebody pinch us. We must be dreaming. Because two of our favorite things, Ralph Fiennes and Project Runway, have finally crossed paths, meaning we can finally kick the ol’ bouquet with a smile on our faces. Fiennes interviews Bravo bigwig Andy Cohen about the tidbits that us fans really want to know about, like whether or not the contestants are truly secluded, and what ends up on the cutting room floor.

And even when Fiennes is being a bit of a gross old man, he does it with such eloquence, we can’t help but roll our eyes while slowly derobing. Case in point: “ARE YOU CUTTING OUT FOOTAGE OF AN EROTIC NATURE?” I don’t know, RafeAaaare we cutting footage of an erotic nature? Wait, what? Oh. So, yes, it’s a fun read, and also gives you a great icebreaker next time you’re climbing up the trellis that leads into his bedroom.

DAILY HASSLE: Rounding Up The Hoff

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davidhasselhoff9xv.jpgWe were fools to think that we could adequately cover all the breaking news surrounding the life of The Hoff with just one measley post a day, which is why we’ve finally come to our senses and created a round-up version of the Daily Hassle so none of the important Hofflines can fall through the cracks.

  • Some soon-to-be-sorry security guard didn’t recognize The Hoff on the beach where Baywatch took place, and charged him a $7 admission fee to his own Hoffland. The guard has already been taken into custody and will be beaten, tortured and executed forthwith.
  • You can bet your sweet ass The Hoff has the skills to pay his bills, no matter what his b*tch ex-wife tries to say about it.
  • Ice-T is saying that he could teach The Hoff to rap for 5 million dollars. First hoff, there is nothing The Hoff doesn’t already know. Second hoff, Ice-T should have to pay 5 million dollars for these insulting remarks, especially considering he ripped hoff The Hoff’s hip-hoff classic “Hoff-killer” for his own song.
  • Brit-rockers The Automatic demand that shrines to The Hoff be built in their dressing rooms at all performances. Hear that, Vh1? I told you guys I wasn’t the only one! In the future of all workplaces and Hoffices, shrines to The Hoff will be as commonplace as restroom facilities.

PROPPED: Like A Cameltoe

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cameltoe.jpgWell no matter how much we wanted to, we just couldn’t ignore all the props for reader veronicamae’s discovery of the official MySpace profile for Madonna’s Cameltoe. Granted, the page is pretty funny (and totally worth an add), but considering that most people in this country could sketch Madge’s Vag from memory, we weren’t sure it was front page worthy. But the readers have spoken, and the Cameltoe shall ride free! Please – please – keep dropping us more stuff so we don’t have to keep resorting to celebrity vajayjays.

CAPTION THIS! Cher to be Different

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Cher hotfoots it to an audition for the lead role in Mrs. Doubtfire 2.

Think you can do better? We know you can. We set the bar pretty low. Leave your captions in the comments! (Picture courtesy of TMZ)

LISTEN UP: A Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • Palms Out Sounds has a couple of tracks from the new Outkast album. Get ‘em before this leaky faucet gets plugged!
  • Indieblogheaven says that Junior Boys are so hot right now.
  • Get over to Gorilla vs Bear for some super indie hipness from Bloc Party and The Knife.
  • MOKB PEELS OUT with a few songs from Pinto.
  • And it’s no sleep ’til Brooklyn ’01 over at Los Amigos de Durutti, where they’re slangin’ tracks from TV On the Radio and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.