ICYMI: Jesus Saves… Rock n’ Roll!

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Four days into December, it’s time to start filling yourself up with holiday cheer. What better way to start than by watching this video by Sin Destroyers, the “world’s Christianest rock band.” We knew Jesus rocked, but we had no idea he rocked this hard.


Vid courtesy of CC Insider

Dakota Fanning, Meet Your New Best Friend!

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DAKOTAANDRE.JPGOur first thought when looking at this picture was “Damn, Dakota Fanning looks really put together! Turtleneck, ankle boots, tights… we like it!” It was only then we realized that Dakota looked same as yoozh, but her company, in the form of Outkast’s Andre 3000, aka Black Soccer-Playing Pocahantas. (Click here for the big pic.) And it hit us: Dakota’s fashion sense ain’t going anywhere… which is why she needs to start hanging out with this rug-wearing maniac ASAP. Not only is he talented, but he might literally be blind, meaning she’ll look fabulous. It’s kind of like when you go nightclubbing with your really fat friends, and you start to feel beautiful and skinny for the first time in your life…? Anyway, may the above friendship last 4VR in our hearts and also in reality.

R. Kelly Finally Takes Us Back 2 The Closet

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kelly.jpgIf you’re anything like me, you’ve probably endured hundreds of sleepless nights over the past 13 months wondering how R. Kelly’s epic “Trapped In The Closet” rap opera was going to play out. After blowing our minds with 12 videos that could only be described as brilliant, R. took a break. And although there were initally rumors of 20 more chapters to come, a national tour, a play based on the song and a potential TV series, nothing has come to fruition. For the past year we’ve been left in the dark as to what will become of Sylvester, Gwendolyn, Rufus, the midget hiding in the cupboard and the rest of our favorite characters. Would we ever see them again? Will anything get resolved? Would R. Kelly ever venture back into the closet?

Well, the folks at Idolator came upon a casting call for the next chapter(s) of the series, and oh man, are we excited! Apparently Kelly is looking to fill the roles of an African American couple in their 60’s named Myrna & Odell, a white mafia-type guy named Joey, and a 20 person choir. Why? How the hell would we know? I don’t even think R. Kelly knows. But if this means we’re one step closer to some closet closure… well, then this might be the best news we’ve heard all year.

To see the first 12 videos, click here. Come on. You know you want to.

Clay Aiken Stars in the Broadway Hit “Gay Tarzan”

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We know it’s Monday. We know it’s earlyish. But it wouldn’t be right if we didn’t pass along the brilliance that is this clip of Clay Aiken singing the Christmas ear-bleeder “All is Well.” Only, all is not well by minute 3:30 or so, when they strangely chub-faced lesbionic crooner’s voice starts cracking like a plumber’s ass. The audience then joins his strained vocals and cracks up. A truly priceless clip, we can’t help but wonder: Is Clay Aiken officially througher than through?
(via ONTD!)

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Jesus Christ

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happyfeet.jpg1. Even a sh*t-faced Danny Devito in that terrible costume from Batman Returns couldn’t stop the world-dominating momentum of these happy little dancing arctic birds$17 million

2. Timothy Dalton’s dreams of a James Bond worse than he was have been dashed, yet again$15.1 million

3. SPOLER ALERT: In the surprise twist ending, you find out everyone is actually dreaming and dead and related and in an elaborate computer program in the future – $11 million

4. It would seem that Hollywood’s prized Film-going Christian audience is far more interested in the bloody beating and torturing of Christ than they are in the peaceful, angelic Christmas morning that marked his miraculous birth. Or mabye they just think the girl who played Virgin Mary is a whore. – $8 million

5. Danny DeVito’s 15 drunken minutes on The View packed in way more entertainment and laughs than the entire two hours of reheated “neighbors trying to outdo each other with Christmas lights” this movie had to offer – $6.6 million

ICYMI: Do Re Mi Doogie Is Les Miserawesome!

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Last week on The Megan Mullally Show, Neil Patrick Harris taught Hollywood closet cases an important lesson about the perks of publicly coming out – you are now completely free to be as gay as you’d like, which Doogie embraces by an impromptu performance from Les Mis. You listenin’, Cruise? You’re one People Magazine cover away from realizing your lifelong dream of performing “Memories” from Cats perched fabulously atop Oprah’s sofa.

The Amazing Race: You Say “Tomato”, I Say “They’re Hitting Me In The Face!!”

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ROBKIMB.JPGIt is a rare day indeed that an hour of CBS reality programming can pack as many laughs into it as the America’s Funniest Home Video $100,000 Spectacular. But that is exactly what we had with last night’s slap-sticky Amazing Race episode, where the four remaining teams battled it out to be one of three teams racing for the $1 million prize. Last week, the Blondies came in last, meaning they had to come in first place this leg, or beat another team by more than a 30 minute margin. Rob/Kim, Druggy Zoolanders, Racist Queens and the Bama Sisters began their journey in Morocco, where they were instructed to grind, kebab and ingest a surprisingly delicious-looking plate of camel meat. No, really, we wouldn’t even need a challenge to eat these… maybe, like, two martinis. We even went to the kitchen looking for something to nosh on, and sadly, camel-kebabs were not on the menu (as per usual, Luna Bars were.) The teams tore through this one with ease, except for the perpetually full Kim, who gagged after every bite. If there’s one thing we love, it’s watching anos be forced eat a meal… of camel meat.

The Blondies then have the nerve to ask the Model Boys if they would allow them to step on the mat first, so that they wouldn’t be eliminated. Further exhibiting more reasons to dislike them — their constant feeling of entitlement. The teams then travel to a city that’s been on our reality tv radars quite a bit lately: Barcelona, also the city of choice on America’s Next Top Model this season. It is in this city that we are treated to, hands down, the most hilarious Detour in the history of The Amazing Race.

Keep reading the recap after the jump, and tell us who you’ll be rooting for in the Finale!

Read more…

While You Were Putting In The Thought That Counts At The Mall

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  • Paris Hilton has backed out of hosting the Billboard Music Awards on account of her unwillingness to makes jokes about her peers they might consider “hurtful or embarassing”. Besides, Paris’ peers prefer thier hurtfulness and embarassment to be self-inflicted.
  • Britney Spears turned 25 on Saturday. She celebrated by hanging out with Paris Hilton and having a paparazzi pop out of her vagina, then take their picture.
  • Kevin Federline is trying to put together a reality show about his life after Britney, tentatively entitled, “Please Continue To Pay Attention To Me – I Promise I’ll Do Lots More Dumb Sh*t For You To Laugh At”.
  • Speaking of “moving on”, Kid Rock has replaced one bimbo with two.
  • Oprah’s pal Gayle King suggested that they occasionally use the “N-word” in the privacy of each other’s company. Specifically, when they’re on Oprah’s plantation, and Gayle hasn’t done her daily chores, Oprah has been known to drop a few N-bombs.

BEST OF THE BWE: Bimbo Summit

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  • Britney Spears crawls out of her K-Fed trashcan, hops right into the Paris Hilton wastebasket, and subsequently launches a shock and awe campaign of vaginal ubiquity, leaving her vajeen no choice but to stop by and say hello.
  • Danny DeVito gets hammered with Clooney and acts awesome on The View, outraging Babs Walters uptight douchebags everywhere. Rosie O’Donnell comes to his defense, tosses out a blind item about a crackhead celeb, and oh what the hell, does a Milkshake dance that will haunt our dreams for years to come.
  • Lindsay Lohan half-steps onto the wagon, then turns right around and swan dives right back off of it into a big pool of Grey Goose and embarassment.
  • In case you stopped paying attention days ago, Michael Richards is still a crazy racist.
  • In yet another blow to Absurdly Unrealistic Celebrity Romance, Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson’s union of stupidity draws to its inevitable close.
  • The kids are going Wii Wii Wii all the way home, then destroying said home.

For more about the misadventures of these crazy kids, and everything else that happened this week, tune into Best Week Ever on Vh1 tonight at 11pm Eastern!