Phew. Just yesterday we were fearing for our livelihood after reading a report that Lindsay Lohan was making an uncharacteristic foray into the world of good decisions by attending AA meetings to get her problems with alcohol under control. But today is a new day, and it would now seem that last night’s bad dreams of no longer being able to put food on the table have come to a miraculous end with this item in Page Six recounting the latest Cristal-fueled public indignities of the tempestuous tartlet. This tour-de-force performance at the GQ Men of the Year Dinner has all the elements of a Lohan classic – starting an inane feud with another actress who utterly doesn’t care, drunkenly hitting on Leonardo DiCaprio (and getting laughed off, then settling for some face-sucking with Jackass Knoxville), being humiliated by her own mother, and the real kicker, causing Will Ferrell to make a snide remark that wasn’t even a joke:
Overhearing her tirade about Biel’s assistant, Will Ferrell turned to DiCaprio, Gore and Affleck and said, “Who cares about that freak anymore, anyway?” – setting off laughter.
Yowzers. Alienating Will Farrell!?!? That’s one embarassing meltdown away from Jay Leno calling you a “worthless tw*t”.
It’s Best Night Ever for Thursday, November 30th! Dan Hopper is here to walk you through the best of Thursday night tv, including 30 Rock, My Name Is Earl, Grey’s Anatomy, and The Office!
Check out Dan’s sports blog, Teapot Dome Scandal
We were a little surprised when we learned that Jennifer Lopez and main squeeze Skeletor attended the TomKat nuptuals in Italy a few weeks ago. (And on what planet in hell did these two celebrity couples meet-and-greet, we ask?) Well, it turns out J-Lo has been getting cozy with the Thetan-free twosome, and has started practicing the tenets of Scientology in order to conceive her first Lil’ Lopez. And guess who’s guiding her? Why, it’s every Scientologist’s best friend and former Saved By the Bell “star” Leah Remini! Leah used Scientology to help her get pregnant, “putting the positive energy where [she] want[ed] it”… like her vagina, apparently.
Luckily, Marc Anthony has bought into another cult, Catholicism (serious JK you guys!!! We live for Catholics!), so it doesn’t look like J-Lo’s going to make the full-on conversion anytime soon… that is, until she finds Jenna Elfman hiding under her bed holding a butcher’s knife with which to cut out Xenu’s unborn fetus body living gestating inside America’s Latina Princess. Dharma’s a bitch.
***If you do not get the title reference, please read this. And, side note, congrats to Leah Remini for using a fake religion to befriend so many Hollywood A-List celebs. You don’t see Kevin James poo-pooing with Clooney anywhere, do you? Do you?!
Guess what TBS: we don’t need your damn Friends re-runs anymore. Thanks to Nobodyswatching.tv.
I can’t wait for the sequel: Joey in 8 seconds.
“As far as music is concerned, I feel like I’ve given it my best. When I see how desperate people are for that chance, I realize I’ve had my turn and now I have to let it go.”
And just like that a true visionary says goodbye to the world of music. Geri Halliwell– the one-time Ginger Spice and the all-time greatest– announced she is retiring from the industry. Take a moment to collect yourself.
What does this mean, you’re probably asking yourself. Well, for starters, it means the Spice Girls will not be reuniting. It means there will be no Spice World 2. It means your children’s children’s children will never experience the joy of seeing The Single Greatest Band To Come Out Of England Ever Ever ™ live in concert. And it means that Geri Halliwell will probably have her Wikipedia page deleted in 3 or 4 years after being deemed “un-noteable.”
So take a moment to tip your drink and pour some out for Geri Halliwell and the Spice Girls. Because today’s the day… that two… become none. Ziggy zig-ah indeed.
Michael Richards‘ racist “en-ger” rant has certainly made the rounds, bringing to light that the man either hates black people, has anger issues, and/or might be completely ess-aitch-eye-tee eating crazy (censors, folks.) Well according to this blurb over at Radio Ink, the man formerly loved as Kramer:
Simpsons producer Sam Simon told Howard Stern that Richards’ racist rant at an LA comedy club was a public demonstration of what TV insiders have known for years â€“ that Richards is prone to bizarre, temperamental behavior.
Richards, according to Simon, threatened the life of Spike Feresten, creator of The Michael Richards Show. Simon said that Richards told Feresten, “I have a gun. I’m going to kill you, and I’ll do the time.” …And Richards was once found, according to Simon, in a corner of a soundstage, weeping uncontrollably.
Threatening the life of our most beloved (only) late night Fox talk show host/former Seinfeld writer Spike Feresten?!?! Now we know that bastard’s innn-SANE (spoken like Elaine Benes). At least it hasn’t affected sales of the Season 7 DVD!
After the jump, check out Kramer’s younger, kinder days, which were limited to stalking a flaxen-haired Ed Begley Jr.…
Jason Alexander (not Costanza, but the trashball who was married to a pop star for a few hours) was sapping off of Britney Spears back when K-Fed was still doing the Roger Rabbit onstage as a 98 Degrees backup dancer. And now, during Britney’s time of post-marital vagina-exposing crisis, apropos of nothing, Mr. Alexander is bursting back onto the scene to offer his underinformed opinions on matters that have next to nothing to do with him, enlightening us with approximately zero things we didn’t already know:
On K-Fed’s custody battle:
“The custody thing is to up the amount he gets from her. There is no way that he will get it. It’s all about the money.”
On Britney’s potential bi curiosity:
“She found other girls attractive, yes, but we never did anything about it. Our relationship was about us. We just weren’t together long enough for that to come up really. That’s not to say that I don’t know anything about threesomes.”
On her plastic surgery:
“She had a tummy tuck after the birth of her second child”
K-Fed’s a money-grubbing douche, Brit might kinda maybe sorta be into chicks if she was drunk (though he’s not positive – but he DOES go out of his way to let us know that he’s had a threesome before, probably in Louisiana, probably with a couple skanks who were in some way impressed by his 15 milliseconds of fame), and famous people occasionally have mild plastic surgery. With startling revelations like these, Jason should really write a book. Oh, wait:
“It’s a about a small town guy and all the crazy events that happened. It focuses on all the stuff that no one knows…It does feature our sex life. It does feature having sex with her and what that was like.”
Nintendo’s Wii, as many of you waited in line to find out, is a pretty ingenious new video game system. Using a brand new remote-style controller, you literally step into the game, swinging the device like a racquet in tennis, or pretending it’s a heavy black ball while bowling. One can finally live the dream of being on the hit 1992 game show Nickelodeon Arcade without leaving the confines of their living room…
But it seems that Wii is not all it’s cracked up to be… rather, it IS cracking up television sets all across the country. The remote comes with a wristguard similar to the ones seen on cell phones, and when thrown in the heat of lazy passion, the wristguards have been snapping, sending the tiny white missiles directly into people’s television screens. A website called Wii Have a Problem has been devoted to documenting the problem, chronicling broken tv’s all across the country. The good news? Maybe now people will try playing actual tennis instead. Here’s a video capturing the strap breaking and a wall denting.