Sometimes, we see or hear about celebrity stunts that just seem to good to be true. This is a prime example. In September’s issue of Vanity Fair, Gwyneth Paltrow dons an “authentic” African beaded necklace (Claire’s, $4.99), and some eyeshadow in “Teal It Like It Is!” (Nars, $278) to promote Keep A Child Alive, an organization that raises money for children with AIDS. The caption across the bottom of the ad reads “I Am African.” We have to tip our hats to this organization for having the moxy to say what we’ve all been thinking: Gywneth Paltrow is sooo totes a black woman. One who refuses to eat, is practically see through, and is WASPier than a nest full of bees, mos def. But black nonetheless.
With a bust like that, you wonder why Bill ever cheated.
Now it’s your turn. Leave your caption in the comments now! And to learn more about Hillary’s bust (designed by the same dude who created the Britney birthing on a bear skin rug statue), click here.
- First, Us Weekly told us Vinnifer got engaged, setting our hearts aflutter. Then Vinnifer’s publicist told us it’s not true, and our hearts sank. Now Us Weekly is saying that Vinnifer’s publicist might actually be, gasp, lying to us. We don’t know what to believe anymore, but…just…look, are they getting f*cking married or not? Can someone please make this hurt in hearts stop?
- I know the Top Models are supposed to look fierce and all, but when in the name of Tyra did “fierce” start meaning “freaky crackhead“? Kate Moss?
- Britney Spears has already given her toddler son Sean Preston his first car – a miniature Cadillac Escalade with real spinning rims and a stereo that plays 3 songs (none of which, mercifully, are his father’s). Tiny Cheetohs Bag Floorboard Litter and Empty Red Bull Can Blunt Ashtrays are sold seperately.
- Now that he’s officially over Cristal, hip-hop mogul Jay-Z is big pimpin’ a new beverage: H to the 2-0, otherwise known as water. A possible line from an upcoming rhyme: “I drops so many hits I drink H20 by the gal/Brushin’ teeth, takin’ showers, pour it on my face right now!” Now THAT’S hot (good thing I got all this water to cool it off with).
- Carlton from The Fresh Prince, less recognizably known as Alfonso Ribeiro, has filed for divorce from his wife. She’s getting the house and custody of Fresh Prince rerun residuals from Mondays and Wednesdays. Carlton held onto the rest of his weekly income, as well as all those awesome sweaters.
It’s Best Night Ever for Wednesday, August 9th! Shea Hess is here to walk you through the best of Wednesday night tv, including Rockstar: Supernova, Last Comic Standing, and Project Runway!
- LIFE IMITATING ART: Angelina Jolie has rounded up sources to spy on Brad Pitt during the filming of Ocean’s 13. Pitt became suspicious when he spotted George Clooney reading a newspaper with the eyeholes cut out of it. (The Bosh)
- CONFUSING GAME: Nicky Hilton or Tara Reid? It’s like those 3-D holograms, where you unfocus your eyes to see the image… it takes hours to figure out. (Go Fug Yourself)
- UNAPPETIZING IMAGE: Matthew McConaughey‘s moose knuckle. That’s it. (City Rag)
- NICKNAME: Heidi Klum reveals that her nickname at Victoria’s Secret is “The Body.” That’s kind of like the Snakes on a Plane of the modeling world, isn’t it? (Just Jared)
- SENSITIVE GUY: Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay will finally shed a man-tear, when his pet pigs Trinny and Susannah are slaughtered in front of his face on the BBC. The sobbing continues while he roasts the delicious pork on a spit, and the man has a near meltdown while dining on their succulent, tender meat. (The Independent)
- PORNY DISNEY TITLE: Wilmer Valderrama is making his singing and directorial debut on the new Disney series Handy Manny. Singing AND directing? We thought he could only devirginize! (Franklin Avenue)
- Sixeyes has a cool sixpack up today featuring songs by Spoon and Les Savy Fav.
- If you’ve ever wondered what it would sound like if The M’s covered The Isley Brothers, today’s your lucky day. Head on over to You Ain’t No Picasso and check it out.
- Music (For Robots) describes this track by Devastations as “smooth, creepy lounge crooning.” Now how can you not download that?
- Let’s get a little dirty. It’s The Money Shot!!! has a couple of tracks by Gangsta Boo, formerly of Three Six Mafia. I felt very white typing that.
- Plain and simple: Ladyhawk rocks. Don’t believe me? An Aquarium Drunkard‘s got my back.
Sure, you could pay thousands of dollars for one of those highfalutin “publicist” people with their big words and horn-rimmed glasses, but why bother wasting that kind of time and money when MySpace provides you with the perfect forum through which you can publicly announce the demise of your marriage in your own misspelled, gramatically incorrect words? In the past couple of days, the world has been shaken to its core with the news that the holy matrimonies of both Jenna Jameson and Shanna Barker have turned out to be shams, leaving us all wondering just what is left of “family values” in America when a porn star and a gold-digging groupie whose first names both rhyme with “banana” can’t even manage to maintain healthy marriages? Luckily, the answers to these tough questions can be found on their respective MySpace blogs, which Jenna and Shanna have both utilized to incoherently communicate to fans about their true feelings during this tough time.
Yesterday the anti-Christ that is The Hoff announced that he was looking for a mate. Specifically, a mate who’s more famous than he is. We offered a few suggestions for potential mates/nicknames, and then you contributed a few of your own in the comments (the absolute best one: Lance Bass + David Hasselhoff = Basselhoff). So today we figure it’s time for a contest.
Who do you want to see The Hoff date in order to create the best nickname since Brangelina? Send your photoshops + nicknames to firstname.lastname@example.org. The best one will get a prize. You can click here and click below to see what we’ve come up so far.
Good luck… and may The Hoff be with you.
Yesterday, word got out that Dustin “Screech” Diamond was mugged. We pictured a man, 10 feet tall if he was a foot, grabbing Screech by his throat and slamming him to a corkboard, while slashing his denim pockets with laser-beam eyes and stealing the guy’s last $5.
Here’s what actually happened (shocking parts written in italics): Some insane woman broke into Screech’s hotel room, armed with a mace canister, and made off with a few Playstation games. Then, Screech, very serious about his Playstation games, managed to pin the woman to the door of his hotel room, and grab the games back. Then, the woman screamed “Rape.”
“Rape-ape-ape-ape (echo bouncing off canyons)” is what it must have sounded like in Dustin’s cavernous head. Diamond need not worry of any false accusations, however. Because if Screech were to rape anyone, he would obviously be sporting a dapper Mark-Paul Gosslear mask.
No matter what Us Weekly tells them, Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston insist they are not in fact engaged to be married. We wish these stubborn lovebirds would just accept the decree the tabloid mag has made and show us the ring already, so that the paralyzing suspense will finally be over, allowing us to move on with our daily lives.