A person only has so much bodily fluid with which they can fuel their self-destructive gravy train, so it’s not altogether surprising that Steve-O has embarked upon a post-Jackass career of publicly degrading himself in ways previously thought impossible. First he peed all over the red carpet at the premiere of his own movie, trying (rather unsucessfully) to demonstrate his pitiful lack of toilet training for nearby paparazzi. Then he outraged the tens of people who watch The Tom Green Death Rattle Podcast by huffing nitrous, getting f*cked out of his mind, and bragging about sexual conquests of which he played no part (something tells me his penis has been poked, pierced and pounded into non-functioning submission). And now Steve-O has accomplished a Tard Trifecta by finding a way to humiliate himself that actually makes sticking lit M-80′s up his ass seem charming: stand-up comedy. His Dane Cook-on-Crack observations on his career, his celebrity (including a mind-bending moment of self-reflexive irony when he mentions TMZ, the site on which you’re actually watching this trainwreck) and the “LA hip hop” scene are as delightfully hilarious as a bag of the world’s cutest kittens being pounded against a brick wall. I’m not sure what “the DEAL” is with Douche-O’s pathological need for negative attention (though something tells me you can easily find out by catching his weekend run at your local “Ha Ha Hole”), but he’s definitely a walking punchline, and he’s definitely today’s Daily Douche.
Are you ready for some
football uncorroborated bomb threats??? From CNN:
The Department of Homeland Security has sent an advisory to the National Football League and local officials advising of a possible, uncorroborated bomb threat against some NFL stadiums.
The threat, posted on a Web site, alleges that dirty bombs could be used this weekend against seven stadiums — in Miami, New York, Atlanta, Seattle, Houston, Oakland and Cleveland. The bombs were to be delivered by truck, the posting said.
Houston? Oakland? Miami? Cleveland? It’s clear: Terrorists hate s**tty football teams. Somebody rush the Arizona Cardinals into a bunker, ASAP.
Of course, the big question that stems from this whole thing: if one of your fantasy football players is in a stadium when it’s attacked, how does that impact your waiver wire position? Because you know, if I lose my Tight End before halftime and I’m unable to sub somebody in, I’m not going to be happy.
It’s amazing how quickly a year can pass. We remember when The Colbert Report was the small prune-faced baby, cradled against The Daily Show‘s bosom in a fur-lined papoose, and breastfed by legion’s of satire-hungry Americans. Now, one year later, and The Colbert Report has blossomed into it’s own phenomenon, a strong and able-bodied half hour of comedy that can sit fully upright on its own.
To celebrate the year anniversary, the show is auctioning off the famous portrait of Stephen Colbert that hangs over the set’s mantlepiece. The description reads:
The portrait, which depicts Stephen standing by his fireplace and in front of a previous portrait, will be replaced with a new portrait, which depicts Stephen standing by his fireplace, in front of a previous portrait, in front of a previous portrait. At least one critic has already heralded the Stephen Colbert Portrait Series as â€œthe equivalent of the Genius Grant, the Fibonacci Sequence, and â€˜The DaVinci Codeâ€™ combined.â€
All of the proceeds will be donated to the Save the Children Foundation (Madonna…) Good luck guys! And Happy Birthday!
It occurred to us today that it’s been awhile since we’ve seen or heard from Burt Reynolds. So what better way to reintroduce him to our lives than with a video that takes a look at what some of our favorite celebs/hated dictators would look like with a Burt’s famous moustache. The only person missing? Norm MacDonald. :uI( (Emoticon with Burt-stache.)
Bonus: Enjoy this Norm as Burt clip on Celebrity Jeopardy, free of charge.
Which burly man was spotted sporting short shorts revealing his masculine hairy legs? Wesley Snipes? Diddy? Play from Kid & Play? Take a guess, then find out the answer by clicking below!
[Thanks to Faded Youth]
Please, watch this short instructional video, courtesy of The Late Show with David Letterman, for how to ensure you have the the most relaxing, stress-free two week vacation ever. This method can also be used when quitting a job or wishing your boss a Happy Birthday. (NSFW if your W doesn’t allow “bleeps.”)
As we reported yesterday, actor Wesley Snipes was indicted by a federal grand jury in Florida, for keeping nearly $12 million owed to the goverment in taxes. As a result, the actor seen in movies such as Major League, Passenger 57 and Blade faces up to 16 years in prison… if authorities can find him. It seems Snipes is on the run from authorities, and his Orlando, Florida home is currently unoccupied. And while we adore Wezzy, we also love the law. So we thought we’d compile a list of some of the more obvious places Wesley Snipes might be hiding… let us know if we’ve left any out in the comments.
- In a Rubbermaid trash can in Stephen Dorff‘s garage.
- Trick or Treating in his Blade costume.
- A roulette table, betting on… never mind.
- Stealing bases in Cleveland.
- Sleeping with a 33-year-old woman in a Chicago crack house who later bore his son.
- Under Patrick Swayze‘s skirt.
- Dangling from a hanger in a coat closet at The Pentagon.
- In the cargo hold.
- Teaching karate to 4 year olds in Peoria, Illinois.
- Under the President’s bed.
- Mowing Spike Lee‘s lawn for cash.
- On a train holding a suspicious money sack filled with $12 million.
- Filming a new good cop/vampire cop comedy with Woody Harrelson.
For a country so outraged by a comedian’s portrayal of their people as laughable charmingly-racist imbeciles, you’d think Kazakhstan might make a few “above and beyond” efforts to prove themselves otherwise. Like, oh I don’t know…making sure the word “bank” is spelled properly ON THEIR NATIONAL CURRENCY! But I guess you need not bother with inconsequential details such as “spell-checking” when you’re filming a forty million dollar propaganda movie whose whole message is essentially, “Nuh-uh!” Does anyone know how many Kazakhis does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
You know when you combine Beck and director Michel Gondry, you’re going to end up with a really cool video. It’d be impossible not to. Case in point: