SIZZLER: K-Fed’s Only Job is to Procreate

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Britney4.jpgOK, this tidbit strikes us as a little bit gross. According to their pre-nup, Kevin Federline will earn more money for every baby he has with wife Britney Spears. Well, no wonder this girl is popping out babies like a Pound Puppy… even K-Fed’s sperm knows there’s $$$ on the line! Anyone interested in starting a betting pool? How many kids can he squeeze out of her before she throws him out of the house? Our money is on 4.

But before putting your cash where your mouth is, take this little fact into consideration: Britney and Kevin will be renewing their wedding vows in October, following the birth of their new little one. Is it real love? Or just a ploy to have a litter of some really adorable children? Only time and 14 more babies will tell. Til then, Kevin Federline’s sperm best be in working order — that’s his bread and literal butter!

ICYMI: Smoking CRACKED

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CRACKED (2).jpgRemember MAD Magazine? Remember their retarded little cousin CRACKED? Well the latter rag is back on the stands this week, and it looks like they’ve botoxed and face-lifted themselves into a glossy, shiny celebrity humor mag in the vein of Maxim and FHM. Based on their first cover alone, the new look is definitely an improvement. Check out their online preview and judge for yourselves. (Full disclosure: I happen to be one of their contributing editors)

The Frat Pack: Can’t Get Enough

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Owen.JPGIf there’s one thing most Americans can agree on, it’s this: The Frat Pack is the greatest thing to happen to Hollywood this new millenium. Take a look at these 7 names: Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Owen and Luke Wilson, Jack Black, and Steve Carell (whose turn on The Office has given us a reason to live). Each one has had multiple hit movies, each one is uniquely Hilario Dawson, and, as a result, each one is also somehow incredibly attractive. (Ladies in tha houuuuuse! And camman guys, you know you would if you could.)

Well, a contributor at Oh No They Didn’t put together a list of everything you ever wanted to know about The Frat Pack, including yearbook photos (Vince Vaughn looking coke-ishly thin), friends of the Pack, videos and little known facts. The only thing missing are their cellie numbers… not like that’s gonna stop me.

LISTEN UP: A Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • Big ups to Rolling Stone for posting this amazing Arcade Fire cover of New Order’s “Age of Consent”.
  • In a sheerly genius move, some band called Sprites wrote a clever song called “I Started a Blog” that every blog in the world will now post about. I think that’s what they call “meta” – hear it for yourself over at Catbirdseat.
  • Milk Milk Lemonade spills the new track from Brazilian Girls. Kinda froggy, but still pretty awesome.
  • Our lovely friend over at You Ain’t No Picasso has a lovely new tune from The Lovely Sparrows, which is just lovely.
  • Swan Lake is the indie rock version of Damn Yankees, a supergroup featuring members of Wolf Parade, Destroyer, New Pornographers and Frog Eyes. Go to Obscure Sound and prepare to have your thick glasses blown off.

SIZZLER: Andy Dick Loses His Shatner

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ANDYDICK.JPGAccording to Page Six, Andy Dick went cray-cray at the Comedy Central Roast for William Shatner on Sunday Night. Dick, who came on stage as a decked-out Trekkie, began his set by addressing fellow presenter Farrah Fawcett: “I’m going to [bleep] the [bleep] out of her. Put that in Page 6, 7 and 8, that’s how big my [bleep] is.” (Ed. Update: This was actually told to the reporter directly, and not at the Roast.) At the afterparty, Dick went on a face-licking spree, offered cocaine to fellow partygoers, and then bit a reporter’s hand… all while being suuupes hilare, we’re betting.

The NY Post reporter, Mandy Stadtmiller, is said to be doing fine, and hopefully hoofed it to the ER to get some emergency shots (with a morning-after pill thrown in, just to be safe.) We feel for the girl, but are also incredibly jealous of her. We miss Andy Dick — and she got a live and interactive show! Anyway, we’re glad to see him back to his psycho antics. Can someone put this guy on TV again? (Remember The Assistant? Comedy gold.)

ICYMI: Tron, Peter Pan and Keeper of the Gems!

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Let’s take a break from all the nipple slips and Lohan vag jokes for just a moment to take a somewhat humorous look at a very important issue (think of this as that part after the cartoon when Optimus Prime makes some Public Service Announcement). Net Neutrality sounds like a boring blog-nerd term, but it happens to be an incredibly important issue facing all of us today. Large corporate telecom firms are conspiring right now to pass laws that would make the Internet a place they can regulate and charge you for, taking away the free democratic spirit that makes it so powerful and amazing. To help create awareness about this issue, three AWESOME Internet celebrities have gotten together with WeAreTheWeb.org to make a hilarious video that will entertain and, just maybe, educate you. If you aren’t already familiar with Leslie Hall Keeper of Gems, Tron Guy and Peter Pan, don’t do yourselves the disservice of missing out on this video. After you watch and the laughter subsides, do whatever you can, no matter how small, to take action and defend our right a free Internet. Otherwise, you could soon be paying to read our lame jokes about K-Fed, and that would just be sad.

While You Were Needing a Remedy From Your Hippie Hubby

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  • As part of a Netflix-sponsored series of geographically-significant film screenings, Kevin Costner showed up to the corn field he made famous in Field of Dreams, then played a set with his four-piece rock band. So if you build it, he will come. With his band. And play music. So I think the lesson we should all take from this is don’t build it.
  • Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards have finally reached an “amicable agreement” on the terms of their divorce. “Amicable Agreement” is Hollywoodese for the phenomenon in which both members of a married celebrity couple have enough dirt to convince each other to just split everything down the middle, generally keep their bloody mouths shut, and pray the press doesn’t figure out what’s going on.
  • Dr. Phil McGraw’s son married a Playboy model. Funny how he never gives that kind of good advice to the poor schmucks on his show.
  • Old New Kid Jordan Knight says he thinks it would be cool if more boy band members would follow in Lance Bass’ light footsteps and admit to being gay. I guess when you’ve been trapped in that closet for that long, you might at least want a little more room.
  • England’s Prince Harry was photographed out wasted, cupping his hands over some bird’s boobs. Could be worse I guess, like if the boobs belonged to Jenna Bush.

Best Night Ever: Monday, August 14th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, August 14th! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Hell’s Kitchen, Treasure Hunters, and American Chopper!

…OF THE DAY

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  • STIGMATA: The Pringles Man appears in the form of a saddlebag sweatstache on some guy’s pants. Millions of overweight sports-fanatics flock to the man’s ass to cry, pray. (Cityrag)
  • OVERHEATING STARLET: Jennifer Garner is rushed to the hospital while filming The Kingdom in Arizona, after a bout of overheating. Lindsay Lohan immediately Blackberrys her, asking for tips on how to make her next incident “more authentic.” (E! Online)
  • SIDE-BOOB: Speaking of LiLo, the girl exposes yet more of her noteworthy side-boob, this time while wearing a burlap sack with armholes made for a condor. Her breasts don’t even look human anymore, rather like those dolls made of pantyhose and cotton balls. We’re thinking googly-eyed nips. (Hollywood Gossip Whores)
  • FAKE RESCUE: A couple who got into a car accident got some celebritay-tay-assistance when Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes stopped to help them out, while Suri Cruise remained clamped into the backseat, baby-Hannibal-Lecter mask in place, plotting. She’s always plotting, Clarice. (Defamer)
  • GOLDEN GIRL LIVES!: Betty White is Alive!!! And she hasn’t aged!! At all!… Seriously she looks the same. Maybe she’s been laughogenically frozen. (Perez Hilton)
  • HEADLINE: “How the Nazis Gave Us Disco.” We may have just given up on life. (UK Telegraph)

SIZZLER: Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson Split

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HUDSON.JPGPeople Magazine reports today that Kate Hudson and rocker hubby Chris Robinson are separating after six years of marriage. This must be one of the most surprising splits in recent Hollywood memory. There’s Kate, beautiful actress, marrying at 21 right in time for her major movie career to kick off. Then you have Chris Robinson, washed-up rock star, strung-out, swathed in burly, brown hair. We’re gonna boil this one down to unhygenic comb sharing.

We’re sorry to see the couple go — they have an adorable, feminine looking little boy together — but if it’s any indication, Kate has been looking her best these days. Perhaps a new love interest in her future? Who would look good next to Kate’s side? Is it too soon to already be matchmaking? Don’t answer that.