DAILY D-BAG: That 70′s Douche (No, The Other One)

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topher1.jpgI used to think Topher Grace was pretty cool, perhaps the only member of the cast of That 70′s Show who might somehow be able to escape the on-set vortex of suck that resulted in the modern manifestations of Ashton Kutcher and Wilmer Valerrama (who’s already a card-carrying member of The Daily D elite). After all, Topher was pretty good in his small parts in Traffic and Ocean’s 11, and not altogether annoying as the star of In Good Company. He seemed affable, charming – maybe even a little witty. But then I read something like this, discovering that my boy T is actually dating purebred fame-whore Ivanka Trump, seen out “canoodling” together at some idiot-magnet nightclub called “Pure” for her 25th birthday while, perhaps worst of all, voluntarily hanging out with the aforementioned Wilmer Douche-o-rama, probably while f*cking K-Fed gave a live solo acoustic performance just for the three of them. I therefore have no alternative but to rule in favor of the D, and award Topher Grace the dishonor of being today’s Daily Douche.

Running Diary: Playing With Fire

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playingwithfire1.jpgIn front of me I have a brand new, recently purchased, bright and shiny copy of Kevin Federline’s debut rap album Playing With Fire. The disc is 49:32 long, contains 13 listed tracks plus a bonus track titled “Middle Finger”, and it was all mine for the low low price of $13.99 at the local Virgin Megastore. Those are all facts and they cannot be argued.

This morning when I woke up I decided I was going to do something daring. I decided I was going to listen to Playing With Fire from beginning to end, no breaks, and keep a running diary throughout the entire thing. Co-workers called this decision “brave”, “terrifying”, and “absoutely f**king retarded.” I agree with them all. But I’m going to do it because somebody has to. And I’m going to do it with an open mind, too, because honestly; it can’t be that bad, can it? Can it? There’s only one way to find out. Wish me luck.

4:00:12 - “Grandpa, grandpa, can you tell me a story about what it was like when you were young?” That’s how it all begins, hinting that this album (or at least this song) actually comes FROM THE FUTURE! Deep! I’m crossing my fingers that music from the future doesn’t completely suck.

4:02:30 - So far in the first 2:30 I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned that Kevin doesn’t give a f**k what we all think, the media tends to enjoy f**king with him and he has a f**king black gat in his backpack. Or a black cat. Either way, he’s dangerous. I think.

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LISTEN UP: If You Believe In Life After Young Love

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  • We caught a performance form the band Young Love last night, and were impressed that lead singer Dan Keyes was able to sound so Cher-like without the aid of electronic equipment and/or a feeathered-headress. In any case, they’re catchy like the herps. Enjoy two of the songs off their upcoming album right now: Find a New Way and Discotech.
  • And now! Four Halloween Playlists, sure to keep your party alive until people fall into insulin-induced comas. First up, Zeon’s Music Blog puts together a Halloween mix with enough trendy songs and ironic 90′s rock (i.e. Cranberries) to put a smile on even the deadest of ironic slutty prosties.
  • The main reason we’re including Instrumental Analysis‘ catchily morbid list? We were DJ Jazzy Jeff for Halloween last year.
  • Red Blondehead rounds up a handful of the greatest songs with the word “monster”/”witch” in the title. The results are terrifyingly harmonious.
  • And the appropriately titled Heart on a Stick blog compiles 10 morbidly themed songs you’ve almost certainly never heard of before, unless of course you’re a fan of the band Cult of a Psychic Fetus, in which case we really underestimated you.

ICYMI: Eating, Sleeping, Breathing Borat

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We know we’re bordering on oversaturation here, but we wouldn’t feel right knowing you’re going about Diabetes Day having not seen Borat‘s appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman last night. Here’s a highlights reel, including a h.i.l.a.r.i.o.u.s. clip from the movie coming out THIS FRIDAY!

LAST MINUTE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES! CNN Edish

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andersoncoupon.JPGStuck at work without a costume? Need something quick and easy for that Halloween party tonight? Here are a couple of last minute ideas that can easily incorporate your business attire, dressing up as versions of your favorite CNN anchors.

  • Comb baby powder through your hair, staple discount vouchers from the Sunday paper all over yourself, perfect your steely gaze, and go as Anderson Coupon.
  • Steal some tin foil from the communal kitchen, fashion them into antlers, comb that beard, and magically transform into Wolf Blitzen.
  • Unscrew a toilet seat from a stall, put it around your head, and poof! Loo Dobbs.
  • What’s black and white and business-suited all over? Jeanne Moos.
  • Fro that hair up, adopt an unplaceable accent, tighten up that hobo’s bindle, paint on a frown, and impress your friends when you reveal that you’re Christiane Aman-Poor. (We feel your booing and we’re hurt.)
  • Any other ideas?

PROPPED: Who Creeps You Out?

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dakota.JPGNsgladstone dropped this list of creepy celebrities courtesy of the folks at AOL. While we agree with a couple of them (come on, who’s not a little creeped out by Jeff Goldblum?) we take issue with their inclusion of Dakota Fanning. So what if she’s a 12-year-old girl who talks like an 45-year-old woman and has the same blank stare as a recovering heroin addict waist deep in methodone? That’s TOTALLY normal. Everybody’s a little bit quirky when they’re that age. Right?

Head over to AOL Comedy to check out their list and nominate people who think you should be included. I’ve already nominated Blagg. That dude creeps the hell out of me.

Got something you want us to see? Drop it now!

SIZZLER: Reese/Ryan Homewrecker Identified

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CORNISHPHILLIPE.JPGBastion of Truth© The National Enquirer is pointing a golden finger of distrust at the woman they claim broke up Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe: 24-year-old Australian actress Abbie Cornish (as in “Game Hen” and “Promiscuous Hussy”.) Cornish and Phillipe (guilt-ridden faces seen left) just wrapped up the movie Stop Loss together, and were seen “making out” in an Austin, TX restaurant on the last day of filming. The ess hit the eff when Reese discovered secret messages of filth on her husband’s Blackberry the night of the Flags of Our Fathers premiere. Now, bastard-face himself is no longer welcome in the home he shared with his wife.

Here’s what we wonder: Seeing as Reese is currently Hollywood’s highest paid actress ($29 million for her next film!), will Ryan get half?

COMIC RELIEF: Beating a Dead Hobbit

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We know the Jared Leto vs. Elijah Wood story is past its expiration date (due in no small part to our own relentless shock and awe campaign against Catalano), but we simply couldn’t resist the temptation to have some fun with these exclusive photos of the incident, which we found via our good friend Brooklyn Vegan. Enjoy!

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