11.30.06: The Day The Music Died

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geri haliwell.jpeg“As far as music is concerned, I feel like I’ve given it my best. When I see how desperate people are for that chance, I realize I’ve had my turn and now I have to let it go.”

And just like that a true visionary says goodbye to the world of music. Geri Halliwell– the one-time Ginger Spice and the all-time greatest– announced she is retiring from the industry. Take a moment to collect yourself.

What does this mean, you’re probably asking yourself. Well, for starters, it means the Spice Girls will not be reuniting. It means there will be no Spice World 2. It means your children’s children’s children will never experience the joy of seeing The Single Greatest Band To Come Out Of England Ever Ever ™ live in concert. And it means that Geri Halliwell will probably have her Wikipedia page deleted in 3 or 4 years after being deemed “un-noteable.”

So take a moment to tip your drink and pour some out for Geri Halliwell and the Spice Girls. Because today’s the day… that two… become none. Ziggy zig-ah indeed.

BREAKING: Kramer Is Actually A Literal Crazy…

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KRAMER2.JPGMichael Richardsracist “en-ger” rant has certainly made the rounds, bringing to light that the man either hates black people, has anger issues, and/or might be completely ess-aitch-eye-tee eating crazy (censors, folks.) Well according to this blurb over at Radio Ink, the man formerly loved as Kramer:

Simpsons producer Sam Simon told Howard Stern that Richards’ racist rant at an LA comedy club was a public demonstration of what TV insiders have known for years – that Richards is prone to bizarre, temperamental behavior.

Richards, according to Simon, threatened the life of Spike Feresten, creator of The Michael Richards Show. Simon said that Richards told Feresten, “I have a gun. I’m going to kill you, and I’ll do the time.” …And Richards was once found, according to Simon, in a corner of a soundstage, weeping uncontrollably.

Threatening the life of our most beloved (only) late night Fox talk show host/former Seinfeld writer Spike Feresten?!?! Now we know that bastard’s innn-SANE (spoken like Elaine Benes). At least it hasn’t affected sales of the Season 7 DVD!

After the jump, check out Kramer’s younger, kinder days, which were limited to stalking a flaxen-haired Ed Begley Jr.

Read more…

Britney’s First Poor Marriage Decision Adorably Lapping Up Last Drops of His Own Relevance

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jalexander.JPGJason Alexander (not Costanza, but the trashball who was married to a pop star for a few hours) was sapping off of Britney Spears back when K-Fed was still doing the Roger Rabbit onstage as a 98 Degrees backup dancer. And now, during Britney’s time of post-marital vagina-exposing crisis, apropos of nothing, Mr. Alexander is bursting back onto the scene to offer his underinformed opinions on matters that have next to nothing to do with him, enlightening us with approximately zero things we didn’t already know:

On K-Fed’s custody battle:
“The custody thing is to up the amount he gets from her. There is no way that he will get it. It’s all about the money.”

On Britney’s potential bi curiosity:

“She found other girls attractive, yes, but we never did anything about it. Our relationship was about us. We just weren’t together long enough for that to come up really. That’s not to say that I don’t know anything about threesomes.”

On her plastic surgery:

“She had a tummy tuck after the birth of her second child”

K-Fed’s a money-grubbing douche, Brit might kinda maybe sorta be into chicks if she was drunk (though he’s not positive – but he DOES go out of his way to let us know that he’s had a threesome before, probably in Louisiana, probably with a couple skanks who were in some way impressed by his 15 milliseconds of fame), and famous people occasionally have mild plastic surgery. With startling revelations like these, Jason should really write a book. Oh, wait:

“It’s a about a small town guy and all the crazy events that happened. It focuses on all the stuff that no one knows…It does feature our sex life. It does feature having sex with her and what that was like.”

Of course.

Zelda, Wii Have A Problem!

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WIIPROB1.JPGNintendo’s Wii, as many of you waited in line to find out, is a pretty ingenious new video game system. Using a brand new remote-style controller, you literally step into the game, swinging the device like a racquet in tennis, or pretending it’s a heavy black ball while bowling. One can finally live the dream of being on the hit 1992 game show Nickelodeon Arcade without leaving the confines of their living room…

But it seems that Wii is not all it’s cracked up to be… rather, it IS cracking up television sets all across the country. The remote comes with a wristguard similar to the ones seen on cell phones, and when thrown in the heat of lazy passion, the wristguards have been snapping, sending the tiny white missiles directly into people’s television screens. A website called Wii Have a Problem has been devoted to documenting the problem, chronicling broken tv’s all across the country. The good news? Maybe now people will try playing actual tennis instead. Here’s a video capturing the strap breaking and a wall denting.

CAPTION THIS! The Greasiest Duo Ever

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“Britney! Britney, look! Camera! Quick, say something about Lindsay’s vagina, it’ll be hilarious!!!”

Your turn. Leave your captions in the comments now!

LISTEN UP: Santa & Satan

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  • Over at ThaBombShelter, you can hear Sufjan Stevens’ cleverly-titled Xmas homage to The White Stripes, “Get Behind Me, Santa!”
  • Meanwhile, at Indieish, a new band called Stark Effect has a song titled after a few of my favorite things: “Bunnyrabbits, Satan, Cheese & Milk”.
  • Me & Country Pinball Machine think collaboration between The Strokes and Regina Spektor is devilishly good.
  • David Byrne says Caetano Veloso have put out the best indie rock record of the year, and since he is infinitely cooler than you are, go to Stereogum and listen to it.
  • Foreign Islands is badass, and You Ain’t No Picasso knows what I’m talking about.

SIZZLER: Lindsay L. Has Some Bad News For the Country’s Comedy Writers

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lindsay_lohan_drunk.jpgIt would seem that Lindsay Lohan might be getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. All the partying and cat-fighting and firecrotching has finally taken its toll on the young starlet, and the NY Post is reporting that Lohan has been seen attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings near her apartment in Los Angeles. While we have nothing but the best wishes for her physical and emotional well-being, it is with a small amount of regret that we witness the passing of a very special time in our lives writing about Lindsay. The Hyde freakouts we had together. The tardiness and truancy on movie sets. The “exhaustion” hospital visits. Oh how we shall miss those. And now that she’s given up Brandon Davis in favor of Bill W., what of the pantiless vagina shots? Will those be “drying out” too? I guess the first step is admitting we have a problem – much less ridiculous behavior to admire from afar. We’re clearly going to have to make a fearless and searching moral inventory of other things to write about, and just try to take all these changes one day at a time.

Fake Your Space: Be Popular. Be Sad. Be Very Sad.

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The CC Insider has blown our minds today.

Welcome to FakeYourSpace, a service that helps you appear more popular online. Want more hot friends? They’ll help. Want these hot friends to leave you comments? They’ll do it. Think these fake friendships will help you get laid? No way in hell.

FakeYourSpace is an exciting new service that enables normal everyday people like me and you to have Hot friends on popular social networking sites such as MySpace and FaceBook. Not only will you be able to see these Gorgeous friends on your friends list, but FakeYourSpace enables you to create customized messages and comments for our Models to leave you on your comment wall. [keep reading]

All this for $.99/mo! We’re still not sure if this is real or if it’s part of some big joke… but either way it sounds kind of familiar.

ICYMI: Please Be Gentle With Jim

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rashida jones.jpgAs the weeks go by we find ourselves falling deeper and deeper in love with Rashida Jones, a.k.a. Karen on The Office. In fact, now we’re rooting for Jim to end up with Pam just so we can scoop up Karen on the rebound. That’s how we roll. Anyway, while searching for some Rashida online-goodness we stumbled upon this music video over at Life In The Office. The song: “Be Gentle With Me.” The band: The Boy Least Likely To. The reason to watch: Rashida dancing around with puppets is even cuter than Rashida hanging out in an office. You’ll see.