While You Were Hallucinating After Licking Carrie Fisher’s Face

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  • Jessica Simpson has been quoted as saying that ex-husband Nick Lachey has a small wang. Of course, they always look pretty small when daddy is holding firmly onto their balls.
  • After failing to attract our interest on their TV show, The Barkers have taken their idiotic drama to MySpace. Just what that place needs!
  • “Illusionist” David Copperfield says he has discovered the fountain of youth. Turns out the fountain of youth can be found in one’s willingness to make absurd claims to in order to get some press. You can live – or at least be marginally famous – forever!
  • A fan showered Stephen Dorff with novelty underwear. Coincidentally, that’s what I always say when my mom hooks me up with some new whitey-tighteys.
  • Star Jones has been dropped as the spokesperson for outlet shoe store Payless. Man, and I bet she thought there could never be anything more soul-crushingly humiliating than Hasselbeck’s face after getting kicked to the curb by The View.

…OF THE DAY

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  • REASON TO WORSHIP MUPPETS: We didn’t want to believe that Sesame Street‘s Elmo was evil, but we just played an episode backwards, and are seriously jetting out of the office to kill our dogs… so maybe? (LA Times, This Picture)
  • INFURIATING BURIAL: Paris Hilton has purchased the gravesite next to “idol” Marilyn Monroe to bury her pet goat, Billy Hilton. In related news, how is Paris Hilton not in a hospital for retarded people? (Female First)
  • WISHFUL-THINKING HEADLINE: Brad Garrett, Wife, Secretly Split. World, Publicly, Does Not Care. (People Mag)
  • PLEBE SHOUT-OUT: Gwyneth Paltrow praises single mothers, saying she doesn’t know how they survive without the help of nannies, maids, and constant help from a hands-on husband. She then praised most of the American public, explaining that she doesn’t understand how they can wipe their own ass without the assistance of, like, at least 38 people. (Contact Music)
  • CLEVER CNN EDITOR: This should say it all: “German Authorities Watching Madonna… Poop on a Plane.” We’ve always wondered: Do her turds look like mirrored Disco Logs? Happy Tuesday, folks. (Defamer)

DAILY HASSLE: The Comprehoffsive Hoff

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Sometimes you seen an invention that makes you smack your own forehead and exclaim, “Gah! Why didn’t I think of that!?!” This is one of those inventions. Having recognized the alarming amount of Hoffish wonderment that exists on the Internet in video form, some genius decided to create a repository for 50 of the absolute greatest of these clips. There are many more to be catalogued, but Rome wasn’t built in a day and The Hoff can’t be catalogued by one website, if at all. The good news is you can throw away your “Google” bookmark because now there’s only one Internet page you’ll ever need, and that page is The Best of The Hoff (which is sort of redundant). F*ck Mars, the cure for Polio, and the Lost City of Atlantis, this is the greatest discovery mankind could possibly make.

(via Thighmaster)

Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams Earn Our Respect

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Check out lovebirds Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams giving their best to the paparazzi while on vacation in Mexico. There’s a lot we love about this picture — but it really boils down to Heath’s grimace and Michelle’s frilly swimsuit. We say that without a hint of irony. (Click here for the uncensored verzh.) Don’t you know you can only photograph Heath when he’s palling around with Lance? Yeesh.

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A Couple We’d Like To See! Finally!

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71337042.jpgHere at BWE.tv, we tend to follow celebrity break-ups with the type of vigor most people save for other events, like the Superbowl, or pairs figure skating. We keep long flowcharts diagramming the ups and downs of each couple, and when one splits — specifically a couple we don’t like — we pop open streamers, pour champagne down our bras, and then cry on the phone to our Mothers. For example, upon hearing that lechy 59-year-old James Woods split from 20-year-old girlfriend Ashley Madison (the daughter of a close friend, mind you), our left eyeball shot out of our skulls… from happiness. (Best quote ever: “She truly has the soul of a moth and the brain of a dead trout.”)

Sometimes, though, we like to fantasize about couples we’d love to see together, couples we would root for. So when we read that the lovely (albeit sticky-fingered) Winona Ryder has a huge crush on A Scanner Darkly co-star Keanu Reeves, our heart monitors beeped a little faster. Yes! That’s a fantastic idea. They both have a laid-back indie charm about them that would mesh together nicely. So we’re putting it out there. Keanu, Winona, listen: U 2 R Prfct 4 Each Oth! Make it work.

CAPTION THIS: Sleazy Biter

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There is just so much about this picture of Nicole Richie I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around. The emaciated figure? The weird headband/glasses combo? The unbelievable cameltoe? The pizza!?!? It’s like one of those old hidden 3-D image paintings where you’d have to stare at some pattern and try to relax your eyes in order to see the windsurfer. Leave your captions in the comments.

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SIZZLER: K-Fed’s Only Job is to Procreate

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Britney4.jpgOK, this tidbit strikes us as a little bit gross. According to their pre-nup, Kevin Federline will earn more money for every baby he has with wife Britney Spears. Well, no wonder this girl is popping out babies like a Pound Puppy… even K-Fed’s sperm knows there’s $$$ on the line! Anyone interested in starting a betting pool? How many kids can he squeeze out of her before she throws him out of the house? Our money is on 4.

But before putting your cash where your mouth is, take this little fact into consideration: Britney and Kevin will be renewing their wedding vows in October, following the birth of their new little one. Is it real love? Or just a ploy to have a litter of some really adorable children? Only time and 14 more babies will tell. Til then, Kevin Federline’s sperm best be in working order — that’s his bread and literal butter!

ICYMI: Smoking CRACKED

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CRACKED (2).jpgRemember MAD Magazine? Remember their retarded little cousin CRACKED? Well the latter rag is back on the stands this week, and it looks like they’ve botoxed and face-lifted themselves into a glossy, shiny celebrity humor mag in the vein of Maxim and FHM. Based on their first cover alone, the new look is definitely an improvement. Check out their online preview and judge for yourselves. (Full disclosure: I happen to be one of their contributing editors)