When we cracked open today’s New York Post, we were more than a little surprised to discover Kevin Spears-Federline standing there in a dapper suit and presenting us with big golden egg of shortbus hilarity. In the sense that he penned an article entitled “I Didn’t Realize How Much People Love to Hate Me” (no, seriously, that’s the title). The jokes spring forth from nearly every line, and yet, we had to read between the lines. What follows are highlights from K-Fed’s self-analysis, along with our helpful Celebrity Translator to help you understand the more difficult parts. The article continues after the jump.
You know, I’m a guy that’s out to have a good time.
I hate my wife.
My record, “Playing With Fireâ€ was just to get people to understand a little bit more about who I am. There’s no real, like, message.
My album is all about me and also simultaneously all about nothing. Itâ€™s simple math, folks.
I put so much hard work into this album. I went off and did this album by myself. Completely.
Let that pregnant beyotch carry her own bags! Iâ€™m an artist! Whoooâ€¦ liiiiikesâ€¦ toooooâ€¦ bangstrippersandinseminatewomen.
If goblins, ghouls and the threat of undead spirits rising from the grave and eating your insides doesn’t terrify you this Halloween, maybe this will: K-Fed’s Playing With Fire drops today. Cue high-pitched scream.
But October 31st is more than just the anniversary of a Pagan festival– it also happens to be the birth date of one of America’s most beloved entertainers: Mr. Vanilla Ice. Is it a coincidence that the most mocked white rapper of the 21st century is releasing his album on the same day his predecessor was born? We don’t think so. The two men will forever be linked together, which leads us to believe that someday their paths will cross and they’ll form the ultimate embarrassing white-rapping duo.
Now that’s a scary Halloween thought.
Happy Hallomeme, folks! Let’s kick the day off with a little trailer mash-up for Scary Mary, Mary Poppins like you’ve never seen her before. But one that you will likely see tonight when your subconscious takes over.
It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, October 30th! Giulia is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Deal or No Deal, Prison Break and Heroes!
Here are some of today’s most memorable pictures. Click the orange “left and right” arrows to flip through them all.
Like a moth to the flame, attention-starved blowhard Bill O’Reilly bends over David Letterman’s knee for the second time to have his bottom publicly spanked on issues like President Bush’s incompetence, the ongoing threat of terrorism, and the war in Iraq – an issue on which he seems to be the very last individual outside of elected Republicans who is still willing to gingerly defend this costly and tragic disaster of a war. If we’d been doing The Daily Douche for as long as Bill has been saying retarded sh*t on television, this would be approximately the 47,279th time he was awarded the honor.
The following video is so incredibly awesomely hilariously scary, we won’t ruin it with too much talk. Here is the music video for “Ready For Freddy”, performed by The Fat Boys (i.e. “The Fat Boiiiiz!”, aka “No, Literally, They’re Morbidly Obese Boys”) for 1988′s A Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. If Freddy Krueger terrifies you, this video will be your Room 101… in that Freddy raps.