SIZZLER: Paris Defends Herself!

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PARISHILTONDUI.JPGWe know you know, but to reiterate: Paris Hilton was handcuffed last night for the first time without there being any foreplay involved, after police discovered she was driving under the influence. After spending an entire 15 minutes in “the slammer”, Paris was released back into the wild, giving her the freedom of calling up Ryan Seacrest‘s radio show early this morning to explain herself. The gist of it — and these are actual quotes — Paris was filming her “new musical video”… but she “had not ate all day”. She then went to “this charity event Dave Navarro threw for brain tumors.” Wait. Dave Navarro is throwing charity events for brain tumors?? Aren’t we overlooking the real problem here — celebrities are raising money for brain tumors! And in a cruel and twisted joke on God, they’re inviting Paris Hilton to help them.

Oh God. A little bit of blood just came out of our ears. Thanks, Dave Navarro.

More on point, you can hear the entire interview here, and then thank God you don’t have to ever deal with Paris over the telephone. It’s like Robert De Niro in Awakenings, for real.

UPDATE: Mystery solved. To quote a real life SuicideGirl, Alyk, “Yeah, that ‘charity event Dave Navarro threw for brain tumors’ was actually our five year anniversary party. Dave Navarro’s band played at the party, and the ticket sales benefited ‘Head to Hollywood,’ but it was still a party with an open bar and naked ladies dancing.” Phewww! And for the record, no one saw her drinking!

ICYMI: Blogging On Ellen On Blogging

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I didn’t think there was anything more annoying about Ellen DeGeneres than that stupid little “smiley dance” thing she does at the beginning of her show until today, when shortly after doing said dance, Ellen launched into a painful soliloquy about her utter befuddlement over the concept of “blogs”, and people “sharing their personal thoughts online”. To learn more, she turns to audience member “Kayleeeee”, who explains how she uses this “blog thingy on the MySpace” to write about her trip to Disneyland. Ellen’s startling incompetence and awkward rambling somehow makes Tony Danza’s daytime talkshow musings look like Shakespearean monologues. Sh*t, Rosie O’Donnell is already a blogging legend.

ALSO: We’re not unaware of the brain-bending “meta-ness” of this post, so save it.

ICYMI: Nicole Shows Paris She Can Suck At Singing Too

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Lionel Richie is worried about a lot of things: he’s worried that Nicole could be the next Princess Di, he’s worried that Nicole might be anorexic, and he’s worried about the safety problems that come with dancing on the ceiling. One thing Lionel doesn’t have to worry about, though, is Nicole ever being considered a better singer than her old man. Here’s Nicole’s new song, “Dandelion”. It’s far from bad, but far from “Hello”. Lionel, you can sleep easy.

Via Celebitchy

CELEBRITY TRANSLATOR: Mintz-ing Words

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parishiltondrunk.jpgWe all know that understanding the strange and unusual language of celebrities can be quite difficult, but translating the words of the publicists they pay to speak for them can be downright mind-boggling, especially when that flack is the Larry Bird of Lies, Elliot Mintz. The poor soul given the charge of trying to somehow convince us that Paris Hilton has redeeming human qualities, Mr. Mintz is a master of verbal trickery and misdirection, especially when his client gets herself arrested Gibson-stizz. Luckily, our trusty Celebrity Translator is up to the challenge of cracking “the Da Mintzi Code”.

What Mintz Said: “She’s absolutely fine”.
What Mintz Meant: “She’s Paris f*cking Hilton. Do you think a pansy-ass drinking-and-driving charge could possible faze a person who is primarily known for starring in Internet porn, drunkenly stumbling in and out of nightclubs on camera, and regularly exploiting herself in any and all other ways that might land her on the pages of another magazine? Hell, this is GOOD press.”

What Mintz Said: “She was driving home from a charity event.”
What Mintz Meant: “She was driving home from an event at which she could do the one thing it is she’s actually capable of doing: having her picture taken and drinking free booze while having her picture taken and drinking free booze.”

What Mintz Said: “She had one drink, a margarita”
What Mintz Meant: “She was pretty f*cked up.”

What Mintz Said: “She didn’t appear in the least bit to be intoxicated.”
What Mintz Meant: “Okay, REALLY f*cked up.”

Read more…

Great Moments In Fast Food Advertising

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1. Paris, for Carl Jr.’s “Burgers So Good You Just Want To Masturbate To Them” Campaign
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2. Paris, for In-N-Out’s “I had one margarita (and) was starving because I had not eaten all day. Maybe I was speeding a little bit and I got pulled over. I was just really hungry and I wanted to have an In-N-Out Burger” Campaign
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Can’t wait to see what she does with The Burger King!

The Funniest YouTube Video Evs

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The only thing we want to say about the following video is that we openly wept with laughter upon multiple viewings. Perhaps because we react the exact same way when delivering the weather with a roach on our pant.

(also, yes, it’s iFilm now, but only because the youtube one kept going down.)

Celebrity Quiz: What Is Scarlett Hiding In There?

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Take a look at Scarlett Johanssen at The Black Dahlia premiere in LA last night. Any ideas as to what she’s hiding in there? We’re going with one gigantic, price-club sized emergency maxi pad. A lady should never leave the house without one.

Leave your guesses in the comments!

Chelsea Clinton Serviced by Bodyguards

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ChelseaClinton.JPGThe following gossip item is so ridiculous… and yet, for some reason, we really hope it’s true. From Popbitch:

US newspapers claim to have a story that Chelsea Clinton has been getting, er, serviced by her two Secret Service minders. At the same time. The man and woman appointed to protect the ex-First Daughter are said to be in trouble for taking that to mean they should get this up close and personal with their charge. So far the threesome are keeping quiet but with US service personnel getting blown up on a daily basis, shouldn’t we just be happy that some of them are just getting blown?

First of all, we are dying to see what her bodyguards look like, but hours of Myspace trolling have produced zero results. But more importantly… ya’ll just know Chelsay Clintone is a freak! I mean, check out her ex-boyf — you guys, they’re practically twins. Kink-ay! And camman… she is Bill Clinton‘s daughter ya’ll. While she may have been handed the God-given beauty of sexpot mother Hillary, her sex drive is all Bill. We want to see Chels waving her freak flag come this Christmas, or else… she will have to continue doing so behind closed doors.

LISTEN UP: I’m Not Afraid of You…

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  • And the award for “Best. Album. Title. Ever.” goes to Yo La Tengo, for their genius I’m Not Afraid of You, And I’ll Beat Your Ass. Go to Merry Swankster to see if the songs are as just as good.
  • The Supreme Council of Music Bloggers has elevated the status of Beirut, Cold War Kids, The Breakdown and a few other indie bands to label-worthy, and ProductShopNYC has tracks to celebrate.
  • Itstoolong is all in German, which is why it’s a good thing that “Joanna Newsom’s harp-strumming elven fairy warbling” is a language everyone can understand.
  • The Shins have postponed the release of their new album to January 2007, but you can still have your lives changed by three new live tracks over at YANP.
  • I’ve really been digging the Regina Spektor song “On the Radio” lately, and think you should go download it at All Things Go! for the “November Rain” reference alone.