…Of The Day

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  • CAN’T MISS CAST: Rob Corddry, Jessica Alba, Paul Rudd, Winona Ryder and Oliver Platt directed by BWE’s own David Wain. Buy your ticket today. (AICN)
  • RE-EDIT: Darth Smartass. The most entertaining thing from Star Wars… ever. (Boing Boing)
  • BIRTH CONTROL ADVERTISEMENT: I hope Britney gets a couple of bucks from the makers of The Pill every time she leaves the house. (Faded Youth)
  • LESBIANS GOING AT IT: Ellen vs. Oprah weekdays at 4? Uh oh. It’s time to choose sides, people. (Jossip)
  • GNARLS IN CHARGE: Watch Cee-Lo get down in tennis attire at Lollapalooza. (Stereogum)

It’s Monday night, which means The Closer & Saved are on TNT, another episode of One Ocean View is on ABC, an all new Hell’s Kitchen airs on Fox, and there’s a whole bunch of other crap everywhere else. So what are YOU watching tonight? Vote now!

Paris Hilton Will Make A Great Virgin!

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PARIS.jpgOK, we’re pretty sure that Paris Hilton is screwing with more than just the minds of the American people. In an interview with British GQ, the ass-goitered socialite claims that even though she travels about town with one or both of her labes hanging out of her shorts, and even though her sex video made it possible for people to finally watch porn while sitting in their cubicles at work, she’s actually quite the prude! In fact, she’s only slept with two men in her life (half of those times while the camera was rolling, obvs.) And she blames her celibacy on the demise of most of her relationships. Sure, Par. That’s it. Your “celibacy.” Not the fact that your mere existence proves that one can reanimate dog crap. Not the fact that you’re officially the only person to be referred to as a “fart in a mitten.” No — the celibacy. (Italics indicate lies, folks.) Hilton has now vowed to remain celibate for the rest of the year.

You know, there goes an old saying: Don’t buy your apples at a horse farm because you’ll end up with a mouthful of turds. While it doesn’t apply to this situation at all, and while it is a saying I just made up, I think the point of it rings clear: You are a dirty, ugly liar, Paris Hilton. So why don’t you go take your Hurricane Katrillions of dollars, and your zoo of rare and abused miniature animals, and leave the American people alone already. We’re much more concerned about Kate Bosworth‘s breastplate, thank you very much.

ICYMI: Ricky Bobby on Larry King

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I know you kids never miss an episode of Larry King Live, and it’s a good thing because you might otherwise have missed this hilarious interview with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, appearing exclusively in character as Ricky Bobby and Cal Naughton Jr, their character’s from this weekend’s #1 movie, Talladega Nights. Here’s a brief sample of the hilarity:

Dancing with the “Stars”, Sarcasm Quotes Not Included

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lopez.jpgThere’s no question about it: ABC’s Dancing with the Stars is a television sensation. I know this because I would receive weekly recaps from my mother about how charming “that guy from Seinfeld” is, surely a sign that it had broken through to the mainstream. TMZ.com has gotten their hands on the celebrity roster for next season, and let’s just say the circa-1992 eighth grader in us is preeeettttty psyched. Because, ladies and gentlemen, both Blossom‘s Joey “Whoa” Lawrence and Saved By The Bell‘s Mario “Check out my Skidz” Lopez are slated to appear on the show! And don’t you dare fret, Women of a Certain Age, because L.A. Law‘s own Harry Hamlin will also be on hand to stir all of your post-menopausal juices. So set yout Tivo’s to “Heart Throb”, and tune in for the new season on September 12th.

P.S.: If these moves tell you anything, Slater has got this one all bagged up.

LISTEN UP: A Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • Cee-Lo– the man who provides the gnarls in Gnarls Barkley– recorded an original track for the Snakes On A Plane soundtrack. Head over to Gorilla vs. Bear to download the best movie soundtrack song since Hammer tackled The Addams Family.
  • Today Fluxblog posted “Infected Girls” by Electric Six, the best track about girls with vd… um… ever?
  • Looking At Them has a great mix posted today with tracks by Neko Case, Belle & Sebastian, Cake Like and so much more.
  • Disco-Not-Disco has me missing the 90′s with tracks by Porno For Pyros, Sonic Youth and The Flaming Lips. I’m resisting the urge to say “I Love the 90′s” for obvious reasons.
  • And finally, you should head over to Said The Gramophone and download the original rendition of “Green Grass” by Tom Waits. I’m in a bit of a Waits kick right now, so please bear with me.

Investors Pull Out of Dakota Fanning…’s Rape Movie

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dakota1.jpgMaybe you’ve already heard that “Apple of America’s Eye”© Dakota Fanning is in the midst of filming Hounddog, a movie which, thanks to a couple of run-of-the-mill child rape scenes, is drawing loads upon loads of press. Fanning’s parents defend the role, explaining that little Dakota is in dire need of an Oscar, and it’s gonna take a good old-fashioned rape scene to guilt the Academy into forking one over. Well, apparently, investors in the movie decided that their money was better off going to back other projects, like a film where Haley Joel Osment plays an abusive pimp, or one where Jonathan Lipnicki dons a Tom Cruise facemask and slaughters a coupla babies — point being, they are withdrawing their funds. Hopefully, Fanning can strike another deal with the Devil and find the money to keep this film rolling, because it looks like it might be the most disturbingly nightmare-inducing film of all time.

For investor’s looking for another project to sink their cash into, how about Johnny Postal, where Natalie Portman is slated to play a troubled hooker alongside Blondie’s Deborah Harry. Now that’s the kind of deviant sex America can stand behind!

PISSLER: Pink & Yellow

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pink peeing.jpgCelebrities are just like us! Specifically, they’re just like us after a dozen beers tailgating at a Dave Matthews concert when the line to the Port-A-Potty is stretching around the parking lot and we don’t think we can hold it that long.

The eternally classy Pink took a break from criticizing her contemporaries like Britney Spears & Paris Hilton to enjoy some quailty me pee time over the weekend. Naturally, the paparazzi was there to snap a few pics and leak them on the web. Yep. I said leak.

You can head over to BlogNYC to see the candid photos right now, or you can wait a couple of hours until they’re posted on every fetish site on the net. It’s totally up to you.

Pink… *sigh*…Stupid girl. Stupid, stupid girl.

Mel Gibson’s Third Apology

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erotic cake.jpgA lot of people have been discussing Mel’s second apology following his drunk driving, slur-slipping arrest last week. If you recall, his first apology was directed to… well, nobody really, while his second apology focused on the Jews (you know, those people who start the wars.) Well, that wasn’t enough.

There was another victim the night of Mel’s arrest (and no, I’m not talking about all of the helpless gossip bloggers who are forced to write about this.) If you head over the Huffington Post you can read Mel’s third, and perhaps most poignant apology to date.

Don’t do it for me, and don’t do it for Mel. Do it for the Sugar Tits.

ICYMI: The New Borat Trailer is Mindblowing

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Suffice it to say, no upcoming movie release has captured our attention more than Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (it’s official title). While star Sacha Baron Cohen is taking heat for manipulating innocent redneck members of the American public, this brand new trailer makes us want to camp out for the opening day, replete with moustaches on our lips and hearts on our sleeves.

Gwyneth Paltrow To Be Chased by Angry Mob

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PALTROW.JPGGwyneth Paltrow has finally admitted what the public has been thinking for years: Bitch is huge. Of course, we’re kidding. Girl could twist herself into a yoga pretzel, hang from a street vendor’s cart, sell for $1, and no one would blink a flaxen eyelash. The Shallow Hal star has told friends that since the birth of her babies, she’s developed these weird “lumps” on her body — not realizing that those things are in fact breasts, and that they’re supposed to be there. Paltrow, famous for her macrobiotic diet and killer dutch ovens, is debating getting plastic surgery to smooth the milimeter of body fat that is keeping her up at nights. But judging from these pictures recently taken at an effing modeling shoot, Paltrow looks as beautiful as ever. So either she can accept herself for who she is — a successful, willowy actress — or shut her trap, open her nostrils, and take up cocaine like the rest of us.