LISTEN UP: The Terrorist’s Song

by

cat stevens.jpg

  • Stereogum has the first new pop song from Cat Stevens in almost 30 years, and even though he’s converted into Yusef Islam, my man Cat is still riding high on the Peace Train.
  • Listen Yusef, with a name like The Citizens, you probably never have to worry about being arrested at an air-port as a terror suspect, and your songs would still be written about on I Guess I’m Floating.
  • The Klaxons might not be Muslim, but they’re terrorizing the airwaves over in Britain, and it looks as if they’re set to invade the US, starting with The Sandwich Club.
  • The Rich Girls Are Weeping has some more cutesy shoe-gazing Swedish pop since you kids love that stuff so much, this time from Suburban Kids With Biblical Names, which is seriously an amazing name.
  • Mars Needs Guitars knows that you need an Autumn Music Mix. Yay, leaves!

PROPPED: This Is Our Country (Minus the O & R)

by

In a case of advertising gone so very wrong, Chevy’s latest ad for their Silverado gas-guzzler features a series of patriotic images fading in and out to John “The Coog” Mellencamp‘s song “Our Country.” You can check out the fairly gross ad here, which stops at nothing, and by nothing we mean 9/11 images fading into the grill of “America’s Truck.” Luckily, someone took a stab at a much more apt parody video, which documents all the things about America we truly love. Namely, Mad Magazine. Thanks to Mo for Dropping This!

Got something you want to share — Drop It!

Bush Tells Terrorists To, Like, Mellow Out…Man

by

psychbush.jpgAn American-born alleged terrorist who was imprisoned in a United States Torture Dungeon Happy Fun Place for over three years is now claiming that American soldiers used drugs such as LSD and PCP as “interrogation tools” to frighten and confuse him during torture sessions. Now, we know that there are those of you bleeding-heart liberal types out there who would say that such methods are “Cruel and Unusual”, but we happen to be of the opinion that they’re “Awesome”. I mean, if I were indefinitely stuck in a nightmarish misery chamber without a right to attorney or fair trial, I think I’d like to do a little government-sanctioned candy-flipping myself, and turn that death camp into the biggest groovetastic rave party the world has seen since San Francisco in the late 90′s. Though I don’t know if tripping your face off while watching footage of mass Iraqi genocide intercut with George W. Bush giving speeches from an aircraft-carrier would be my idea of a “chillout room”.

SIZZLER: Nicky Hilton Free To Whore Around Like Paris Hilton

by

nickykevin.jpgAmerica’s favoritesecond favorite… 348th favorite celebrity couple, Nicky Hilton & The Guy Who Playes E on Entourage have reportedly called it quits.

UsWeekly reports that Hilton dumped E yesterday because she suspects he hasn’t been faithful. And because he only comes up to her shoulders in photographs. But mostly because of the unfaithful stuff.

When reached for comment, the guy who plays Turtle said “Whoa, you really want a comment from me? Really? Does that mean I’m gonna be in your magazine? Does it? Please?” before being told to shut up and go away.

Wealth of Hilarity: Celebrities as King

by

ELIJAH.JPGEvery year during Mardi Gras in New Orleans, the Krewe of Bacchus puts on a lavish parade involving elaborate floats and desperate topless girls on the verge of having their lives ruined. But little did we realize that each year, the Krewe dubs one celebrity as Bacchus himself, dressing said person up in a fancy ornate costume fit for a really gay king. And, yes, a photo gallery of these celebrities exists. Each year is worth checking out, but our personal faves are Larry King, Steve Guttenberg, Ron Howard (+ bonus Fonz) and Jean-Claude Van Damme. You can view the rest of the gallery here.

If you can spot the trend, they tend to go with male celebrities who have some sort of humorous edge to them (Can you say John Laroquette? Us neither.) The 2007 Bacchus title is still up for grabs, so we put it to you: Who do you nominate as Bacchus for next year? We’ll kick things off with our nominee: Christopher Walken. Discuss.

TRAILER: Mr. Woodcock Meets Mrs. Obvioustitle

by

If MTOD doesn’t mean anything to you, congratulations: You actually have a life. For the rest of us, you immediately recognized this acronym as Movie Trailers On Demand, a channel available through some cable providers that lets you watch movie trailers from your own home, without having to bother going to the theater and actually interacting with people (Purell ain’t cheap, folks, especially when you have to bathe in it). It is thanks to MTOD that we caught the following trailer, Mr. Woodcock, starring Billy Bob Thornton and the adorable Sean William Scott, an incredibly underrated comedic performer (perhaps because of some bad career moves.) Based on the following 2:29 minute trailer, Mr. Woodcock looks pretty effing funny… so we’re keeping our fingers crossed and our bootlegger on speeddial.

ICYMI: God Evans

by

I have seen God and, unsurprisingly, He bears a striking resemblance to legendary movie producer/cocaine abuser Robert Evans. Captured here on video visiting Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher (a lot of ego on set that day!) to deliver His latest Revelations, such as Osama Bin Laden is the “Islamic Jan-Michael Vincent” (you know, 9/11 DID seem like a bad episode of Airwolf!), God Evans once again proves himself to be a legendary showbiz storyteller, this time dropping a few juicy nuggets of gossipy gospel about Lara Flynn Boyle, P. Diddy and, of course, Jimmy Caan. (Language a little NSFW)

SIMI-LEBRITIES: Dennis Quaid and a Loaf of Meat

by

MEATLOAFQUIAD.JPG

For so many years, Meatloaf was a man literally encased in layers of meat, waddling around the globe while crooning that while he’d do almost anything for love, he won’t dress up like Little Bo Peep and put his staff where the sun doesn’t shine. But since shedding a considerable amount of weight a few years ago, his naturally average features are finally coming to the surface. Which is maybe why we never noticed that Meatloaf (pictured above at a concert in London last night) kind of looks like Dennis Quaid. Now, we know what you’re wondering… “Who cares about Meatloaf and Dennis Quaid?” I’ll tell ya who. Meatloaf, that’s who. And if we can bring even a small ray of sunshine to the man who gave us by far the best karaoke song of all time, then it shall be done. As far as Denny Q goes, sorry buddy. I’ll stop pestering you about the $10 you owe me for my Day After Tomorrow ticket.

Kiss My Black Orphaned Ass You Old Whore

by

whore.jpgEverybody’s weighing in on Madonna’s decision to follow in Brangelina’s footsteps and adopt an African baby. Everybody but the child, that is. Until now. Apparently he’s written something for The Phat Phree:

Oh great. I’ve been adopted by an old white whore! Just what I’ve always wanted: a mom who’s seen more d**k than the inside of a truck stop urinal. This sucks. I wish my old mom was alive. Sure she was poor, but at least when she kissed me her lips didn’t taste like Warren Beatty’s c**k. Or is that Jose Canseco? Sean Penn? Or maybe it’s just some random bi-sexual backup dancer? S**t.

The kid’s got spunk. I like him. [Read the rest of it here]

While You Were Feeling Fabolous

by

    fabolous.jpg
  • Britney Spears is looking into adopting an African baby now that her idol, Madonna, has. Now if only somebody could talk Madonna into jumping off a bridge… 2 birds with one stone.
  • Madonna says her new adopted baby, David, is “just the best little baby ever.” Rocco & Lourdes, meanwhile, have begun their inevitable search for a good therapist.
  • Rapper Fabolous was shot in the leg early Tuesday morning. He’s in stoble condotion.
  • Rod Stewart said Paris Hilton would have been on the top of his list if she was around when he was a little bit younger. It’s assumed he means his list of “People Who May Have Given Me That Uncomfortable Rash, You-Know-Where.”
  • The U.S. population officially hit the 300 million mark at 7:46 a.m. today. So thank you Kevin Federline– we couldn’t have done it without you.