GUESS THE STACHE! We Almost Vommed Edish

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Which hifalutin talk show host was seen walking down the red carpet wearing the latest in designer moustaches? We would elaborate, but staring at it so long started giving us the pre-harfing burps, so… just… take a look at who it is after the jump.

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Cocaine, Now In Different Kind of Can!

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cocaine1.jpg(THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID ADVERTISEMENT)

Hey there, party-people! Do you ever find yourselves bumpin’ and grindin’ your body (and teeth) through the hottest dance clubs in Hollywood, Manhattan, Vegas, Miami (and – oh f*ck it – Columbus, Ohio too!) when you suddenly feel a nagging sense of exhaustion (possibly from the 9 shots of SoCo-lime you drank) that is really getting in the way of your “keeping the party going” (or “going back to some d-bag’s apartment to get date-raped”), and thus making you wish there were something you could do (or perhaps take) that would give you just the perk you need to party the night away (and babble everyone’s ear off about “your acting dreams”)?

Well, thanks to the wonders of a new miracle drug called Cocaine, you too can live the glamorous lifestyle of the “rich and famous” (or “ridiculed and pathetic”). But that’s not all!!! Now, instead of crowding into a crramped nightclub bathroom stall with 7 of your friends and hoovering “Nicole Richie Diet Formula” up your scabbed septums while trying to avoid the bouncers you haven’t yet blown to keep quiet (lest you get busted and require mommy to bail you out again), you can purchase this all-new, completely-legal, highly-addictive, mind-destroying alternative called Cocaine In a Can! It’s sort of like Red Bull, but way classier! Goes great with Vodka and indignity!

Sold in the establishments of NYC’s Meatpacking District, LA’s West Hollywood, and other places in which douchebags tend to drunkenly congregate (usually a local nightclub called “Senses” or “Ice” or “Fluid” or “Swig” or something).

PROPPED: OK Go! OK Stop! OK Don’t!

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We’ve seen rockers OK Go on a lot of stuff. On rhythm, on treadmills and now, unbelievably…on ice!?! I’m sorry, but when an obscure indie rock band’s viral video stunt becomes such a phenomenon that it inspires figure skaters to adapt it into their routine for the Canadian nationals, the joke has jumped a triple-axle over the proverbial shark. Right? No? Ok ok (go), who are we kidding – we love this stuff. Thanks to reader fmradiapathy for dropping it.

Brad Pitt Set To Upgrade From “Hot & Wealthy” To “Hot & Ridiculously F**kin’ Rich”

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pittcruise180906_228x200.jpgIt’s being reported that Paramount Pictures is going to offer Brad Pitt nearly $40 million to take over the Mission Impossible franchise from Tom Cruise. All he has to do is choose to accept it.

“They’re all set on Brad taking over as a gutsy new head operative who puts together his own unique team of specialists.” Sources say Paramount is prepared to do whatever it takes to get Pitt on board, and is even willing to make him the highest-paid movie star in history, with a salary topping £21 million ($39.4 million).”

Many will balk at the amount of money being thrown Brad’s way, but in actuality it all makes sense. Paramount will once again have their good-looking, sure-thing, can’t-miss action hero, while Brad and Angelina will have enough money to finally buy Africa. Just like they always wanted!

Story via Celebitchy

T-Minus-No-Life Until The Office Premiere

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This week has really opened our eyes to how painfully empty our lives are. Why? Because The Office premieres on Thursday, and we’re having trouble concentrating on anything non-Office related. It’s a horrible addiction. Seriously, we’re at the point where we’ll give h-jobs for random show-related Youtube clips, like Marky Mark in Boogie Nights. So, please, join us as we watch the following clip of John Krasinski and Steve Carell horsing around with E!’s Kristin “What a Lucky” Veitch.

ICYMI: Another 48 Hours

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This vintage 48 Hours segment documenting Nick Nolte’s quest to stay young final transformation into Gary Busey is one of those videos that is just so jam-packed with amazingness that it’s impossible to even summarize. There are some boring bits too, but the highlights – which include a wild-haired Nolte wandering around in his PJ’s, undergoing various medical procedures with electrodes attached to him, teaching us several grim lessons about the long-term effects of cigarette-and-scotch abuse, and playing “Dance Dance Revolution” – make this a clip well worth watching. The best part is this was all filmed before this. (via Fast Hugs)

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Isn’t Horsing Around

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PREGBEERAD1.JPGBrazilian beer brewers Nova Schin is splitting hairs with its depiction of pregnant women enjoying a nice cold (non-alcoholic) beer. According to AdRants, hot pregnant women are the official new “advertising hood ornaments,” and we couldn’t be happier. Because pregnant women are just like us. So what if they have a huge shiny orb protruding out of your midsection, stretching their skin to its ultimate limits, while a tiny, little plasma-covered thing grows inside of them? Pregnant women are young! (Under 50!) And they’re obviously attractive enough — they managed to get seminated! And, if young enough, odds are they’re a little bit slutty! I say let ‘em do keg stands like the rest of us. It’ll help ease them into their drinking problems once the post-partum depression kicks in — and kids love beer pong. (View the other pics here.)

LISTEN UP: Pirated Music

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  • Yeti Don’t Dance is celebrating Talk Like A Pirate Day by posting Lazytown’s “You Are A Pirate!” Download it… for the pirates.
  • Get Down posted four tracks (that belong on) the classic High Fidelity soundtrack, including songs by The Postal Service and Iron & Wine.
  • A Plague of Angels has two tracks off the new Ben Kweller album that came out TODAY. Don’t download them, just go out and buy the album right now. Okay?
  • Like The Killers? Of course you do. Jeddeth has a brand new track off Sam’s Town that you’re going to go grab before it disappears.
  • And finally, a ton of bands are going to be around Baltimore this weekend and Instrumental Analysis posted some tracks to celebrate. A Tribe Called Quest, Electric Six and Scissors For Lefty will all be there. Will you?

CAPTION THIS! Straight Dudes Hangin’ Tough

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Lance Armstrong: Dude, that was an amazing concert.
Jake Gyllenhaal: Seriously.
John Mayer: Thank you guys so much for coming.
Slut: OMG! It’s Jake Gyllenhaal!
John: (Loudly) SO JAKE. Can I have a sip of your water?
Jake: Sure… (Laughs and pours water from his dwarf-bottle all over Mayer’s shirt.) Wet t-shirt contest!
Lance: Oh, somebody‘s chilly!
Slut #2: John Mayer! I am such a huge. fan.
John: Oh, thanks. Wow. Um… actually, I don’t sleep with female fans anymore. It’s “not me”. So…
Slut #2: Oh, Ok, I…
Jake: (Blocks her face with his ginormous bicep) Listen, John, Lance and I are gonna get outta here.
John: Cool, cool. Thanks for coming. (They begin to walk away.) Hey… Lance?
Lance: Yeah, John?
John: (Holds up yellow wristband.) Livestrong, my man.
Lance: (Hold up wrist.) Livestrong.
Jake: (Nodding, quietly.) Livestrong.

(Leave your captions in the comments.)