…OF THE DAY

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  • ILL-ADVISED HOLLYWOOD FAD: Made fashionable by trendsetters like Paris and Puffy, making bizarre home videos and posting them on YouTube seems to be the new ironic trucker hat, and just as ridiculous! (MollyGood)
  • RACIST REALITY SHOW RHETORIC: Jeff Probst says producers were careful to avoid casting “white supremicists” or “NAACP members” on the new season of Survivor, which seperates teams according to race. It’s good to know that even reality producers have ethical boundaries they’re unwilling to cross while exploiting harmful stereotypes to boost ratings, but it would have been hilarious watching Carlos Mencia lead “the Beaners”. (Gawker)
  • HACKY PUBLICITY STUNT: How can a rumor about Paris Hilton “hacking” into Lindsay Lohan’s Sidekick, with no resulting evidence, even be considered news? Even if she had the flu, Paris wouldn’t be bright enough to hack a cough. (Us Weekly)
  • THEATRICAL METAPHOR: Rookie thesbian Usher says that Broadway is like monogamy. Why, cause they’re both boring and overrated? (People)
  • HOT CELEB CAUSE: After suffering food poisoning from an airline meal on his way to fight oppression in Darfur, George Clooney has abandoned his efforts in the war-torn nation to focus on the far more critical battle to stop the poor quality of airplane food. His help will be greatly appreciated by the army of hacky stand-up comedians who’ve been championing this cause since the 80′s. (Page Six)

EXCLUSIVE: Tom’s Secret Memo From Viacom!

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cruisesumner.jpgThrough our shady network of operatives here in the Viacom family, BWE has obtained the following copy of a secret personal memo delivered to Tom Cruise by armed agents of Viacom chief Sumner Redstone, responding to what Tom and his partner have been telling the press. We present it to you, unedited and without further comment – full text after the jump.

***URGENT MEMO***
TO BE READ IMMEDIATELY

TO: The Pansy-Ass Nancy Boy In the Kooky Space Cult Who Thinks He Can Insult Sumner F*cking Redstone

FROM: Sumner F*cking Redstone

RE: Your continued existence in the universe.

Listen here, you crackpot little pretty boy. You might think that Hollywood stardom has given you power greater than any other in the world, but I’ve got news for you: grinning and posing your way through a handful of stupid action movies has earned you approximately .01 percent of the unfathomable planetary dominance I’ve been weilding since before you were even born. I’m Sumner F*cking Redstone, and my company Viacom owns more of the people and property on this planet than most of the countries I allow to exist upon it. I hate to break this to you, but there is no God or Allah or Xanadu (or whatever the hell you idiots call your silly little space ruler) – there is only Viacom, Microsoft, Vivendi, Sony, and so on and so forth and Sumner F*cking Redstone.

Read more…

ICYMI: Bill Clinton Is Re-tired

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Retired President Bill Clinton seems to have rested and relaxed himself to the point of exhaustion, as he was caught falling asleep at a 9th inning, 1-run nailbiter between the Mets and the Cards. Why is Bill so drained? (Begin Comedy Timewarp to 1999) Is something going on behind that barricade that we don’t know about? (Return to Comedic Present) But you can’t really hold the ex-President’s exhaustion against him, seeing as how other presidents – say a certain one who’s currently more “active” than Bill – would likely nod off in the late innings of a diplomatic “nailbiter”, the outcome of which could result in some crazy North Korean dude grand-slamming the entire human race into nuclear oblivion. Heads up, W!

ICYMI: Katie Shows Us How They Hurt Her

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Those artistic geniuses over at Gallery of the Absurd have done it again, this time bringing us a Michael Lohan-inspired cartoon drawing by Katie Holmes, who clearly seems to be trying to tell us something. It’s sort of like when psychologists have little kids draw pictures that explain the abuse they’ve suffered, except in Katie’s world, psychologists don’t exist and “suffering” is just another word for “in need of extensive Thetan-cleansing”.

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Project Runway: Wait, Jeffrey IS an A-Hole!

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ULIDESIGN.JPGWe loved last night’s Project Runway for many reasons. First, we got to see relatives of our 8 remaining designers, including Uli‘s and Michael‘s sweet-as-candy mothers. Second, we learned that 6-foot-tall albino broomstick Laura is pregnant with her sixth child, defying all laws of Amishly-hipped physics. Thirdly, Vincent didn’t do anything too insanely creepy, which might be a miracle. And fourth, Michael Kors‘ mother made us fall in love with him all over again (even though a pair of his shoes nearly sent us to our deaths.)

But, as usual, there were things we hated too. Robert getting “auf’d” for instance. Who is Kayne supposed to bitch to now? Thems two were adorable. Also, where was Tim Gunn last night? There should be a requirement that at least 5 minutes of every episode be dedicated to Tim’s designer opinions. But what was perhaps the worst thing to happen last night was seeing Jeffrey Sebalia‘s true a-hole colors — and while his mother was around, no less! Jeffrey had to design a garment for Angela’s heavy-set Mom, and instead of building her up, or going with some of her requests, he managed to design a heinously-draped mumu with Ray Charles seams… not to mention tearing down her self-esteem in the process. For once, we felt sorry for Angela! (Fret not, we still hate her “signature rosettes.”)

What did you think of the episode? Did Vincent deserve to win? (We liked Uli’s design, left, the best.) Were we the only ones appalled by Jeffrey’s cocky behavior?

LISTEN UP: What Would Sufjan Do (For $5,000)?

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  • Would a crowd of NYC hipsters shell out an extra 5 grand, on top of what they paid to get into a pricey charity show, to see Sufjan Stevens play a song with David Byrne? You bet your sweet ass they would, and thanks to Stereogum, we can grab a recording of the same performance for the low low price of free ninety-nine. Thanks, suckers!
  • After an indie rock orgasm like that, even this nice new track from The Thermals over at Muzzle of Bees seems kind of underwhelming.
  • MOKB has a new track from The Lemonheads, for all 13 people who still haven’t given up on Evan Dando. Aww, that was kinda mean. We love you, Evan, and more importantly – so does Sufjan.
  • Go to Aquarium Drunkard, then explain to me how a bunch of recordings of The Beach Boys diddling around during a 1967 rehearsal session can sound so much better than almost everything that comes out today? Suck it, Sufjan!
  • Culture Bully likes Annuals, but what you really need to ask yourself is – would Sufjan?

Kevin Federline Destined for Fields Medal

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FederlineYearbook.JPGIt may come as no surprise that Kevin Federline‘s rap skills are above and beyond amazing, but who knew that Federline was also a cracking member of the intelligentsia? It’s true! The corn-rowed-crooner claims that he totally aced probably the most important test of his life. No… not Britney‘s “Conch Fritter Cook-Off”… his GED! K-Fed claims he aced his test with flying colors, and that even though the test isn’t that challenging he (QUOTE) “actually got amazing-ass test scores on it,” the highest in California. When you consider how many misunderstood prisoners take that test every year, it IS a pretty big deal. And it seems pretty obvious that only a genius could pen these lyrics “Kitty … little bitta t*tty … Wanna know where I go when I’m in your city…”

Check out this exclusive scan we got of K-Fed’s diploma:

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Ad of the Day: Pre-CGI Hotness

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Check out this 80′s ad for the Isuzu Gemini. We love it for a few reasons. 1. It’s mesmerizing; 2. It was made before CGI technology, meaning it’s possible someone lost their life during shooting; 3. The song reminds us of Dance Dance Revolution, our favorite video game; and 4. Dancing cars!!

SIZZLER: Former American Idol Constestant Held at Gunpoint

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MIKALAH.JPGRobbers looking to make a quick buck in Las Vegas instead found themselves with a hyperventilating diva on their hands. It won’t be hard for fans of American Idol to remember Mikalah Gordon, the nasal 16-year-old who Simon Cowell desperately wanted to bang. Some hoodlums approached Gordon and a male friend in Las Vegas Tuesday night, ordering her to lie on her back, slamming her head into the ground, and groping the now 18-year-old singer. But Gordon’s instincts kicked in, and the girl started having a major panic attack — picture The Nanny climbing Mt. Everest — luckily scaring off her attackers.

But what concerns us most is this: They only got away with a cell phone and five bucks. FIVE DOLLARS. Is that how much money Mikalah carries around at 3:30 in the morning? Is the 19 Entertainment contract really that bad? Or was this some sort of Clueless-esque ruse to garner Gordon some extra time in the spotlight? (Las Vegas = Sun Valley; “male friend” = this dude.) While authorities are still on the lookout, we have four words for who is responsible: John Michael Karr, obvs.