SIZZLER: Putting the “Sir” in “You Got Served”

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MILLS.jpgLesson to all you one-legged models out there: Probs best not to date/marry Sir Paul McCartney. McCartney, who was famously married to soft-core porn model Heather “Ilene” Mills, is now in the midst of what’s looking to be a nasty divorce. Most everyone’s favorite Beatle had to freeze his bank account last month after Mills withdrew nearly $2 million. Attorneys now say that McCartney could lose up to a quarter of his wealth, or roughly the GNP of Portugal.

Yesterday, police responded to a call that a strange man was climbing over the wall of McCartney’s property. Turns out, it was Mills’ bodyguard, told to climb over the wall after McCartney went ahead and changed the locks without telling her. How bad must it suck to be a one-legged woman’s bodyguard, p.s.? It’s like “Um, do me a favor? Can you climb over this wall and break into my ex-husband’s house for me? I’d do it… but with the leg and all… so… yeah.” No charges were pressed, but the message is pretty clear: Keep you and your parts off my property.

Who are you guys siding with?

While You Were Contemplating the Scientific Possibility of Time-Travel, Based On What You Saw In the ‘Back To the Future’ Movies

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  • Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis sexually assaulted a female reporter from the LA Times sent to determine whether he’s really guilty of all those sexual assualt accusations. I can’t decide whether this the dumbest or most genius PR move of all time, but I’m pretty sure of one thing: Joe Francis is a really classy guy.
  • Ralph Shapiro, the prosecutor who filed DUI charges against Mel Gibson, has been taken off the case and will be replaced by deputy DA Gina Satriano. The switch is the result of a motion filed by Gibson’s lawyers requesting their client have more access to “sugar tits” in the courtroom.
  • Speaking of Mel Gibson, a mobile phone company is now offering a ringtone called “Mel In Malibu”, featuring an impersonation of the Aussie’s booze-fueled rant. It’s the perfect gift for any self-loathing, war-causing Jew, and just in time for Rosh Hashanah!
  • When Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson heard 200 of his countrymen were stranded after having fled the war in Lebanon, he jumped into a 757, picked them up, and flew them to safety. Then he bit off the head of a live chicken, covered himself in its blood, and performed a brain-crushing rendition of “Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter”. Now THAT’S f*cking metal.
  • Paris Hilton insists that she never profited from her infamous sex tape. It may have brought her career opportunities that were previously unfathomable, and helped her achieve worldwide celebrity status despite having no discernible accomplishments of any sort, but she most certainly DID NOT profit from it. What kind of person do you think she is?

GAMES: Snakes On A Babe

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snakes babe.JPGThe folks who put together Snakes On A Plane know exactly how to go after the male demographic. First, they combined two things that all guys love: snakes and planes. Then, they added the one actor all guys agree is pretty badass: Samuel L. Jackson. And now, they’ve combined SoaP with every guy’s favorite video game: that sleazy one at the bar where you touch the screen to remove things until you see a naked girl. Sweet!

Head on over to Snakes On A Babe (get it?) to play that sketchy game in the privacy of your own home (or office.) It’s a great way to waste time until the inevitable porno with the same name comes along and ruins all the fun.

Link thanks to Egotastic.

Best Night Ever: Monday, August 7th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, August 7th! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Treasure Hunters, Hell’s Kitchen, and One Ocean View!

…Of The Day

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  • CAN’T MISS CAST: Rob Corddry, Jessica Alba, Paul Rudd, Winona Ryder and Oliver Platt directed by BWE’s own David Wain. Buy your ticket today. (AICN)
  • RE-EDIT: Darth Smartass. The most entertaining thing from Star Wars… ever. (Boing Boing)
  • BIRTH CONTROL ADVERTISEMENT: I hope Britney gets a couple of bucks from the makers of The Pill every time she leaves the house. (Faded Youth)
  • LESBIANS GOING AT IT: Ellen vs. Oprah weekdays at 4? Uh oh. It’s time to choose sides, people. (Jossip)
  • GNARLS IN CHARGE: Watch Cee-Lo get down in tennis attire at Lollapalooza. (Stereogum)

It’s Monday night, which means The Closer & Saved are on TNT, another episode of One Ocean View is on ABC, an all new Hell’s Kitchen airs on Fox, and there’s a whole bunch of other crap everywhere else. So what are YOU watching tonight? Vote now!

Paris Hilton Will Make A Great Virgin!

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PARIS.jpgOK, we’re pretty sure that Paris Hilton is screwing with more than just the minds of the American people. In an interview with British GQ, the ass-goitered socialite claims that even though she travels about town with one or both of her labes hanging out of her shorts, and even though her sex video made it possible for people to finally watch porn while sitting in their cubicles at work, she’s actually quite the prude! In fact, she’s only slept with two men in her life (half of those times while the camera was rolling, obvs.) And she blames her celibacy on the demise of most of her relationships. Sure, Par. That’s it. Your “celibacy.” Not the fact that your mere existence proves that one can reanimate dog crap. Not the fact that you’re officially the only person to be referred to as a “fart in a mitten.” No — the celibacy. (Italics indicate lies, folks.) Hilton has now vowed to remain celibate for the rest of the year.

You know, there goes an old saying: Don’t buy your apples at a horse farm because you’ll end up with a mouthful of turds. While it doesn’t apply to this situation at all, and while it is a saying I just made up, I think the point of it rings clear: You are a dirty, ugly liar, Paris Hilton. So why don’t you go take your Hurricane Katrillions of dollars, and your zoo of rare and abused miniature animals, and leave the American people alone already. We’re much more concerned about Kate Bosworth‘s breastplate, thank you very much.

ICYMI: Ricky Bobby on Larry King

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I know you kids never miss an episode of Larry King Live, and it’s a good thing because you might otherwise have missed this hilarious interview with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, appearing exclusively in character as Ricky Bobby and Cal Naughton Jr, their character’s from this weekend’s #1 movie, Talladega Nights. Here’s a brief sample of the hilarity:

Dancing with the “Stars”, Sarcasm Quotes Not Included

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lopez.jpgThere’s no question about it: ABC’s Dancing with the Stars is a television sensation. I know this because I would receive weekly recaps from my mother about how charming “that guy from Seinfeld” is, surely a sign that it had broken through to the mainstream. TMZ.com has gotten their hands on the celebrity roster for next season, and let’s just say the circa-1992 eighth grader in us is preeeettttty psyched. Because, ladies and gentlemen, both Blossom‘s Joey “Whoa” Lawrence and Saved By The Bell‘s Mario “Check out my Skidz” Lopez are slated to appear on the show! And don’t you dare fret, Women of a Certain Age, because L.A. Law‘s own Harry Hamlin will also be on hand to stir all of your post-menopausal juices. So set yout Tivo’s to “Heart Throb”, and tune in for the new season on September 12th.

P.S.: If these moves tell you anything, Slater has got this one all bagged up.

LISTEN UP: A Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • Cee-Lo– the man who provides the gnarls in Gnarls Barkley– recorded an original track for the Snakes On A Plane soundtrack. Head over to Gorilla vs. Bear to download the best movie soundtrack song since Hammer tackled The Addams Family.
  • Today Fluxblog posted “Infected Girls” by Electric Six, the best track about girls with vd… um… ever?
  • Looking At Them has a great mix posted today with tracks by Neko Case, Belle & Sebastian, Cake Like and so much more.
  • Disco-Not-Disco has me missing the 90′s with tracks by Porno For Pyros, Sonic Youth and The Flaming Lips. I’m resisting the urge to say “I Love the 90′s” for obvious reasons.
  • And finally, you should head over to Said The Gramophone and download the original rendition of “Green Grass” by Tom Waits. I’m in a bit of a Waits kick right now, so please bear with me.

Investors Pull Out of Dakota Fanning…’s Rape Movie

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dakota1.jpgMaybe you’ve already heard that “Apple of America’s Eye”© Dakota Fanning is in the midst of filming Hounddog, a movie which, thanks to a couple of run-of-the-mill child rape scenes, is drawing loads upon loads of press. Fanning’s parents defend the role, explaining that little Dakota is in dire need of an Oscar, and it’s gonna take a good old-fashioned rape scene to guilt the Academy into forking one over. Well, apparently, investors in the movie decided that their money was better off going to back other projects, like a film where Haley Joel Osment plays an abusive pimp, or one where Jonathan Lipnicki dons a Tom Cruise facemask and slaughters a coupla babies — point being, they are withdrawing their funds. Hopefully, Fanning can strike another deal with the Devil and find the money to keep this film rolling, because it looks like it might be the most disturbingly nightmare-inducing film of all time.

For investor’s looking for another project to sink their cash into, how about Johnny Postal, where Natalie Portman is slated to play a troubled hooker alongside Blondie’s Deborah Harry. Now that’s the kind of deviant sex America can stand behind!