While You Were Back To Blaming The Parents

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  • John Mark Karr wanted Johnny Depp to portray him in a movie based on a manuscript he authored. The tentative title: Not-Quite-21 Jump Street.
  • Mick Jagger uses an auto-cue machine on stage to help him remember the words to his songs. The idea was inspired by the auto-cue machine above his mattress.
  • Paris Hilton is infuriating movie bosses by refusing to work with any of the leading men picked for her new film The Hottie And The Nottie. Something something something, I bet she still f**ked them.
  • Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson have reportedly reunited just two weeks after they split. Presumably because nobody was interested in another Chris Robinson solo project.
  • Angelina Jolie may have upset Brad Pitt’s mom by having an open bar at Maddox’s fifth birthday party. Angelina argues that she didn’t have a choice- she had to find a way to top the strippers she brought in last year.

…OF THE DAY

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  • SPORTS ENDORSEMENTS: While Madonna is busy designing cheap polyester track suits for entry-level pimps, Jennifer Aniston collaboes with Nike… and not in an ad for Tampax, thankfully.
  • REMINDER OF LIFE’S CRUELTIES: The Academy Awards won their 34th Emmy yesterday (which, in our opinion, is like giving a Webby Award to the Nobel Prize website), making the Oscars only second to Frasier, who has the most Emmy wins at 37. And somewhere, a shriveled, miniature David Hyde Pierce sheds a tear for his livelihood.
  • EERIE-TO-AMAZING RESEMBLANCE: At first, we were upset that Ashlee Simpson would dare alter her natural beauty with plastic surgery. But hell – the girl looks like Heidi Klum! Sign us up.
  • BECAUSE CLEAVAGE HAS TO GO SOMEWHERE: Clothes Off Our Backs is already auctioning off Emmy dresses from last night. Don’t worry, gents, you can even buy Jeremy Piven‘s sunglasses! (Hair plugs not included.)
  • BLOGGER THANK YOU: We realize you’ve been inundated with Emmy coverage today. As a thank you, enjoy this video of a dog walking in boots. (with thanks to The Apiary)

ICYMI: The Pivs Hugs It Out on the Red Carpet

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Nip slips and Conan and awkwardness, oh my! Last night’s Emmys delivered all the amusing insanity of which Hollywood is uniquely capable. One of the evening’s choicest moments came before the show even started, in the form of this utterly uncomfortable exchange between E!‘s personality-less red carpet personality Billy Bush and Entourage star Jeremy Piven, who casually humiliates the grinning tabloid trash-talker with the same smug cynicsm he would be awarded for bringing to his character Ari Gold later in the evening.

SIZZLER: Brody Jenner: Done With Fat Chicks

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Brody Jenner and Nicole Richie– two people who are famous for waking up every morning and saying “Thanks dad” are rumored to be dating. They’ve been seen together a few times, and on Friday were spotted… holding hands! That’s a bit short of “canoodling”, for those of you scoring at home.

So what does this mean? Well, it officially means that Mr. Jenner has reached that certain level of fame where he no longer has to slum it with fat chicks. No more heffers like Kristin Cavallari, from here on out his women will be lean and mean like Nicole. So we congratulate you, Brody. Way to shed that excess fat.
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Set Your Tivo’s to Hilarity!

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KFed.JPGThe following things should all make your Tivo’s shift a little in their tiny pants:

  • K-Fed will be making his small screen acting debut! Federline will be playing completely against his stereotype (read: foppish dandy), instead portraying a thug who “hassles” people on “CSI.” We’re air quoting that last one as we assume it’s not the hit drama Crime Scene Investigation, but rather hit cable access show Crunk Stamina Index.
  • Fans of people with big heads and famous parents, rejoice!
  • Leslie Nielsen is returning to TV! He’s signed on for NBC’s highly anticipated* upcoming comedy Lipshitz Saves the World. *We may be the only ones to care, but we care deeply.
  • In other TV news, reanimated corpses — we mean Posh Spice — will also get her own TV show, this time handing out fashion advice to unkempt Americans. The name of the show? How to Stop Eating and Get Raped in 10 Days.
  • MTV’s Video Music Awards will be handing out an award to the Best Cell Phone Ring. We’re placing all our money on Beethoven‘s Symphony No. 5 as the clear winner… What was that? Oh… Fergie is nominated too? Oh. Sorry Beethoven. Maybe next year.

SIZZLER: TMZ vs Tara Reid, Round 2

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drunktara2.jpgAfter goading fallen starlet Tara Reid into delivering an impromptu oration of drunken self-destruction last Thursday night, the intrepid celeb hunters over at TMZ used Tara’s rejection from A-list heavens of Hyde, and ex-BFF Paris Hilton’s painfully simultaneous entrance past the same velvet rope, as inspiration to create a little One Act tabloid morality play, telling a tragic tale about the fickle nature of friendship in Tinseltown.

ICYMI: Emmys Most Awkward Moments

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If you missed last night’s Emmy telecast, fear not. We know what you’re most interested in seeing: Emmys pre-pube years, i.e. The Most Awkward Moments. The funny thing is? We thought it would be funny to string all the uncomfortable moments together… but strangely enough… it just gets MORE awkward. ps. If Clarabell Clown was in your nightmares last night (as he was in ours), best to skip the following montage. pps. If you’re wondering where Bradley Whitford‘s little moment with Matthew Perry is… it was literally too long and we had to cut it. But trust, it was bad.

ICYMI: Get Even More LOST

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Seeing LOST so ridiculously snubbed from the Emmys last night, I was reminded of how stoked I am for the show to make it’s return to my TiVo this October. But as I barely have enough time to watch my favorite TV shows on TV, I certainly don’t have the time to keep up with them online in things like “The Lost Experience”, the show’s summer-long corresponding web game whose players are privy to secrets and hints the rest of us are not. Luckily, our friends over at TV Squad have pointed us to this video reel, comprised of over 50 clips from the HansoExposed website, which were previously only available seperately, to help tide you over until the Fall.