UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK: Penis Envy

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When you combine Tyra Banks with sexpert Sue Johansson, you’re guaranteed some hilarious stuff. We just feel bad for the guy in the green shirt. When people are talking about small penises on television, the last thing you want is for the camera to cut to you… 3 times. I wonder if they know something we don’t.

Poor guy. Poor, poor poorly endowed guy. That hurts.

Let’s Get In Touch With Reality, Shall We?

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daily douche-24-7.jpgWhat happens when a bunch of dudes who want to be famous stop being polite, and start acting like real douchebags, all while being followed around by MTV cameras? If you want to find out, be sure to tune into MTV on December 6th to check out Twentyfourseven, a new reality show that tells the story of 7 guys – Greg the “Entrepreneur”, Chris the “Rock Star”, Frankie the “Club Promoter”, Matt the “Actor”, and so on – as they all try to “make it big” in Hollywood by simply drinking energy drinks, having MySpace pages, rounding up “ladies”, making terrible music, wearing trucker hats, fighting, putting “positive vibes into their salads”, “poppin’ bottles”, and doing a whole buch of other sh*t that sums up why I never go to Los Angeles. So if you just don’t have enough deluded friends who want to be famous of your own, tune in each week to watch this “crew”, “livin’ it”, “twentyfourseven”. It’s the best Hollywood Morons Acting Like Jackasses show since Entourage, but not quite so “high-brow”. These guys, for obvious reasons, are today’s Daily Douches.

CAPTION THIS! Paris Shops In The Kids Section

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Sick of her chihuahua and monkey, Paris finally finds a pet she could see herself playing with for more than just a couple of weeks.

I don’t know– seeing Paris hold Sean Preston just doesn’t feel right. What do you think? Leave your Captions the Comments now!

A Little Afternoon Adorableness Break

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We are really loving the new Regina Spektor album Begin to Hope. Wondering whether to get it? Well, here’s a good test. Check out this video for one of our favorite tracks, “Fidelity”, and if you don’t feel completely adorable by the end or aren’t crying on the inside, it’s probably not the album for you.

BWE CONTEST: Wax On, Not Off

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Hey kids, do you love the hot new band Wax On Radio? You know, the band I’ve never heard of because I’m 26-years-old, but who according to their bio is “a four-piece coming from the city of Chicago [that] mixes catchy songwriting, intelligently evocative lyrics and an overall engaging style.” Sure you do.

Well, now’s your chance to win the debut CD from a band (who according to their bio) is being compared to everybody from Coheed & Cambria to Yes. Send an email to contests@bwe.tv to automatically enter. One lucky winner gets a CD, as well as a T-shirt and hoodie provided by Crystal City Clothing. So what are you waiting for? Free stuff! Email us now!

LISTEN UP: Crying In a Winter Wonderland

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  • The Radiohead cover of “Winter Wonderland” over at A Reminder will get you feeling about as much holiday cheer as a prozac-fueled Christmas spent with your dysfunctional family.
  • Clearly feeling the spirit of giving, *Sixeyes has a track from the new Shins album AND a rare unreleased track.
  • MOKB introduces us to the techno-geek music of Mixel Pixel, which sounds sort of like Moby noodling around with an Atari, which somehow isn’t nearly as annoying as you’d think.
  • This new band is like Nuh Uh, but Daily Refill is all, “Yuh Huh”, and I’m just sort of thinking, “these dudes sound pretty good”.
  • Said the Gramophone has a new cut from Clipse called “Ride Around Shining” that makes me want to put on a bunch of sparkly jewelry, detail my car with precious metals, and drive up and down the streets so people can see me.

Bam! Here’s A List Of Lines You’ve Quoted At Some Point In Life. Admit It.

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dynomite.JPG“You’re fired!” “Schwing!” “I’m Rick James, bitch!” No, those aren’t just the annoying catchphrases that the awkward guy in your office blurts out whenever given the opportunity– they’re also 3 of the top 100 TV catchphrases of all time.

TV Land will count down the phrases we all know and love over 5 days, beginning December 11th. You can check out the list here. It has plenty of lines that belong (“Whatchoo talkin’ bout Willis?”), and a couple that don’t (“God’ll get you for that”– never heard it), but it’s definitely missing some. Where’s Sophia’s “Picture it, Sicily…” or Seinfeld’s “Not that there’s anything wrong with that”? Come on! What do you think is missing? Give us your suggestions now.

PROPPED: Starbucks Actually Started Their “Get the World Addicted To Caffeine” Campaign Long Ago

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Thanks to reader thednafish for dropping this enlightening – and very YouTubular – clip from a 1980′s commercial from the National Coffee Association. The advertisement, set to the sounds of some super peppy 80′s music, encourages the viewer to become a “Coffee Achiever” – along with the likes of David Bowie, the Cincinnati Bengals, Kurt Vonnnegut, the Electric Light Orchestra, Jane Curtain and Cicely Tyson – by enjoying the “calming yet energizing” effects of coffee as part of the New American Society. Good thing I just finished slamming my second triple grande non-fat sugar-free vanilla latte of the day!

Rachael Ray Sucks… The Life Out Of You

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rachaelray.JPGThis Thanksgiving, when a friend served a delicious eggplant curry with jasmin rice that was made in a flash, we had to know “Where’d you get the recipe?” Well, we nearly spit the food right back into a baby bird’s mouth when we learned it was Rachael Ray. Most of the recipes we’ve seen her make on her morning talk show include “Take some Doritos, mash em up, and throw em in a Cup o’ Noodles” style preparation. But it wasn’t even her food we disliked so much as her tiny-armed hobbity presence and larger than life Chupacabra mouth. We know we won’t make friend when we say this, but Rachael Ray kinda sucks.

Which is why we were elaaaated when TV Tattle pointed us towards an entire Livejournal community of people who also think Rachael Ray sucks! Called Rachael Ray Sucks, it includes over 1,000 people who agree that she is a “talentless twit.” Fans of Ray should take a look and see if they don’t find one thing to agree on (like the genius invention of a Rachael Ray Mouth Guard.) But seriously, if I have to watch the girl chew one more thing on live TV, I’m going to lose it.