Paris Hilton Buys Homeless Man

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paris homeless.jpgSick and tired of walking around with little pets like chihauhaus and kinkajous, Paris Hilton finally splurged a bit yesterday and bought her very own homeless person.

Paris (pictured purchasing the gentleman for $100, right) posed for photographs before rushing her newest acquisition to the salon to bathe him and make him lose that “new homeless man smell”. When asked why she chose this particular man, Paris spoke about his cute salt & pepper beard and his “I could snap at any second” eyes, which she dubbed as “hot”.

Paris, who in the past has named her chihuahua Tinkerbell and her kinkajou Baby Luv has yet to name the homeless man. Friends assume she’ll go with something adorable, like Stinky Butt or Marmaduke.

While You Were Using 357 Words to Say “I’m Gay”

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  • Oprah is threatening to sue some crazy dude who is running a one-man campaign to get her elected president in 2008. Oprah’s not interested in the presidency, as she’ll become Intergalactic Empress when she’s good and ready.
  • Matt LeBlanc has finally settled his divorce with his ex-wife. She will now receive 40% of all royalties from each “Joey loves sandwiches” joke that airs on future re-runs of Friends, and 100% of all royalties from future re-runs of Joey. Jackpot!
  • Director Brett Ratner defended his ruining of the X-Men franchise by saying, “I wasn’t, you know, worrying about what other people wanted”. He was, however, worried about finding new ways to make cameras fly around and whiz through unnecessary explosions, ridiculous dialogue and a non-existant plot.
  • Rapper DMX is the first man in the world to get away with cheating on wife by claiming he was “raped” by another woman (who also ended up pregnant). Unless she was a sasquatch, I am really having trouble visualizing a lady having her way with an ex-con who’s been shot before and wears industrial-grade chain as a “necklace”.
  • Mel Brooks is adapting his 80′s classic Spaceballs into an animated series for cable network G4. Yoooogurt!

…OF THE DAY

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  • PUBLICITY PHOTO: Christopher Walken shows John Travolta how a real man wears drag, even if said man has adorably stringy chicken legs. (Mollygood)
  • NOT ENTIRELY UNRELATED: What must it feel like to get a call from Jack Nicholson asking for a threesome, with a strap-on thrown in for good measure? Only Martin Scorcese knows, but a girl can dream. (Page Six)
  • BEST “CAPTION THIS”?: There is only one real caption to this picture (right)… “MMMmmmmmmmmyello?” (DListed)
  • BABY’S DOZEN: Six celebrity couples are expecting twins… six! That’s twelve unexplainably weird baby names and thousands of blocked baby’s faces to look forward to! (TMZ)
  • PAUL IN THE FAMILY: Gwyny Paltrow and Stella McCartney are trying to set up each of their single parents, Blythe Danner and Paul McCartney, so the two can be stepsisters. Apparently these two never read The Babysitters Club #31, Dawn’s Wicked Stepsister. It really doesn’t work out as planned, girls. (JustJared)

BWE: Christian On Willie’s Weed

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christian.jpgBWE’s Christian Finnegan has been blogging like a madman lately, tackling everything from his dad to weight loss to Willie Nelson. Check it out.

Listen, I have something to say to all of the kids out there: don’t do drugs. No matter what you’re friends tell you, getting involved with drugs will absolutely not make you look cool.

Unless you’re a 73 year old musical legend! Try and tell me that Willie Nelson is not the greatest human being on the face of the earth. Nope, you can’t do it. What’s more lovable than the image of a bunch of elderly dudes tooling around the country in a tour bus fueled by french fry grease, sitting around jamming and getting baked? I’ll tell you what: those same elderly dudes on that same tour bus, blitzed out of their minds on ‘shrooms.

[Keep reading Christian's Tower of Hubris here]

LISTEN UP: Life’s Too Good

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  • After 14 years, Bjork is reuniting with The Sugarcubes. ANABlog reminds you why that’s really cool by posting the track “Birthday”.
  • MOKB is revisiting their cover project with some great covers by Ben Folds, Death Cab For Cutie, Elvis Costello and more.
  • Andrew W.K. is f**king awesome. Idolator has a track off his newest album, as well as a clip of A.W.K. playing piano for Bonnie “Prince” Billie on Conan. Party hard.
  • The Format is hitting the road this fall. Hate Something Beautiful has their schedule, as well as two mp3′s off their new album. Definitely worth checking out.
  • Finally, the drummer from Everclear jumped ship and is now part of the Oohlas. You Can Take The Boy Out Of Brooklyn reviews their debut LP Best Stop Pop and has an mp3.

Fat People v. Skinny People: Tonight at 8!

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LOSERMODEl.JPGTwo of our favorite shows are premiering tonight. At 8 pm, NBC brings us their “super-sized” (ugh, those puns they use) 2 hour premiere of The Biggest Loser, the most negatively titled inspirational show in history. And also at 8 pm, America’s Next Top Model premieres on the brand new CW Network, a season opener that is said to be “diva-licious” (read: Pretty girls with GED’s on their periods.) It almost seems too good to be true. Biggest Loser and Top Model head to head at 8! What’s the solution?

We love The Biggest Loser, because they take ordinary overweight people, and turn them into really surprisingly hot people with hearts of gold in a matter of months. (And side note, Matt and Suzy from last year’s season got married yesterday! Tears!) Our plan: To watch Model for some good laughs, tune in to Loser for a good cry, then either pass out or choke to death on chocolate Twizzlers.

It’s An Honor Just To Be… What Were We Talking About Again?

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doug.jpgAfter 101 episodes, thousands of segments, dozens of comedians and at least 3 or 4 solid laughs, Best Week Ever has finally gotten the recognition it deserves. An Emmy nod? Nope, f-that. We’re nominated for a Pot Head Award!!!

The nominees for the High Times Stony Awards were announced today, and BWE was nominated for Best TV Show alongside other stoner favorites Chappelle’s Show, Entourage, Family Guy, Saturday Night Live, and (obviously) Weeds. Entourage bested all TV shows with 4 nominations, while the ‘hit’ film Grandma’s Boy earned a Stony-topping 6 nods. And who ever said pot heads don’t know what they’re doing?

The Stonys will be handed out on October 24th by Redman and Doug “Marijuana-logues” Benson (I smell fix!) here in NY. We’re hoping for a statue, but honestly, if we don’t win it won’t be the end of the world. We’ve always considered ourselves more of a show for lushes and drunks anyway.

Vanity Fair Nabs World’s Most Exclusive Borat Photo

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VANFAIRCOV2.JPGThis November, you best camp out in front of your local newsstand if you have any interest in scoring an exclusive copy of Vanity Fair‘s upcoming issue, featuring the world’s first exclusive shocking peek at Kazakhstani rabble-rouser Borat, aka Sasha Baron Cohen. This is completely true. Borat will be on the cover of Vanity Fair, and, well, we’re rejoicing. One can only pray that the picture will feature his curly-headed moustachioed grin being gently caressed by the lining of Tom Cruise‘s jacket. We’ve never been happier to see a Jewish Jew-hater make it so far.

Also, if you have a moment, read through Borat’s Wikipedia page, which gives a lot of insight as to how Cohen stays in character. Like he never washes his suit, so as to retain that Eastern European aroma. Borat: Putting the B.O. in HBO.

A Brief Guide to “New Media Marketing”

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defaker_header.jpgWhat follows is a dramatization of how things like this happen.

TV EXEC: Okay, we’re set to launch our multi-platform 40 bajillion dollar media marketing blitz to make sure every single soul in America understands that Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip is Must Motherf*cking See TV. But what about these iBlogs and MyTubes and YouSpaces I keep hearing about on the World Wide Webernets. Is there anything we can do with that stuff?

TV EXEC 2: What’s a blog?

TV EXEC: Hmm, I have no idea. (hits button on phone) Joshua!

Read more…