***WARNING: Avril Lavigne Is Violent, Extremely “Punk Rock” – Please Approach With Caution!***

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avril2.jpgThe following is a Public Service Announcement from the Office of Dangerous Celebrity Control.

All media professionals, paparazzi, doormen and random pedestrians in the Greater Los Angeles Area should heed this VERY IMPORTANT WARNING. Canadian pop singer Avril Lavigne is on the loose, armed and dangerous, and should only be approached, if absolutely necessary, with the utmost caution. Responsible for a slew of recent media attacks, Lavigne could stike anywhere, day or night (though probably at night, outside of some LA douchebag nightclub), employing any of the following terror tactics:

  • Liberal use of middle finger.
  • Shouting expletives (yes, even the dreaded “F-word”).
  • Spitting on those who get too close to her.
  • Making smooshed up frowny faces to show how tough she is.
  • Inexplicable angst.
  • Laughing and rambling incoherenly while drunk on two Smirnoff Ices.
  • Smoking Cigarettes.
  • Wearing Sex Pistols t-shirts purchased in a shopping mall.
  • Stumbling around like a drunk whore.
  • Blaring her “punk rock” music from the backseat of her Luxury SUV.
  • Hurling insults at no one in particular.
  • Disgustingly making out with her equally punk rock husband, the dude from Sum Charlotte 182.
  • Tragically lacking any self-awareness.

The Avril Alert Level is currently set to: RED (Extemely High). Consider yourselves warned.

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: The Temperature’s A-Droppin’

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We love the local news. Specifically, the people who do the weather on the local news. In this clip we present to you the hippest weatherman this side of Long Beach. And your first nominee for Best Dated Pop Culture Reference In A News Program is…

Wonderful. I can hardly wait for 2008 so he can deliver the line, “We’re bringing Sexy Back… along with the humidity!”

CHICK CORNER: Cancer Isn’t Funny… We Think.

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chickpic.JPGWe’ve been known to catch a Lifetime original movie every now and again, whilst basting ourselves in Ben N’ Jerry’s “Self-Pitty” and throwing pages of My Mother/My Self onto our emotional fires to stay warm. But pardon us if we cock a suspicious eyebrow towards Lifetime’s latest addition to their estro-genderrific lineup: A movie entitled Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy, featuring an original song by India.Arie called “I Am Not My Hair”. (Aren’t you, India? Aren’t you?)

Upon further research, this made-for-tv-movie is intended to be a comedy, and is based on the chick-litty book of the same name. (A-phew!) A noony comedy, no doubt. The movie premieres October 23 at 9PM ET*, so feel free to Tivo it and add it to your All-Cancer Film Festival lineup. In the meantime, we’ll be checking for karma-induced tumors in the show-show.

*For the record, we will watch it, and cry for hours.

LISTEN UP: Bloggers Destroy Everything They Love

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  • Gorilla vs Bear isn’t happy about being name-checked in the ill-informed charticle about how music blogs are destroying the bands they love in the latest issue of Rolling Stone (the “Hot Issue”, ironically with Fergie on the cover), but he is happy to post a new track from M.I.A. (who he’s clearly trying to destroy).
  • Cold War Kids were also referenced in said charticle, and they’re continuing down the path of total destruction over on The Larry Page, a dastardly music blogger who posted three of their hype-worthy tracks.
  • Stereogum is already trying to diminish the talents of The Diminsher by indicating he “likes” a couple of their songs. What a dick.
  • *Sixeyes is trying to destroy the entire “indie rock covers compilation CD” from The Believer by posting all the tracks with somewhat favorable things to say about the ENTIRE THING.
  • Even popular movie stars aren’t immune to the scourge of the Music Blog Death Sword, as one-time indie It-Boy Gael Garcia Bernal gets UTTERLY DEMOLISHED by You Ain’t No Picasso, who posted a track from The Science of Sleep Soundtrack.

CAPTION THIS! Life On The Oprah Road

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In an effort to prove to Oprah that Steadman will never love her as much as she does, Gayle King shows off her new ride.

Your turn. Leave your Captions in the Comments now. (via)

SIZZLER: Paging Dr. Toughguy!

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grey2.jpgThe celebrity sleuths over at The National Enquirer have an exclusive story on “one of Hollywood’s most shocking fights ever” (guess someone hasn’t seen the Carter Brothers Battle Royal?) between Grey’s Anatomy co-stars Isaiah “Love Jones” Washington and Patrick “McDreamy” Dempsey, whose heated disagreement escalated into a no-holds-barred on-set deathmatch culminating in a “chokehold”, “shoving” and someone being called “a bitch”. Ah, how frightening it can be when two highly paid pretty boy TV stars throw down in a slapfight of kindergarten playground proportions! Luckily, the violence and bloodshed was finally diffused when Washington “stormed off to his trailer to cool off” whilst Dempsey stood silently in utter “disbelief”. But don’t sigh relief yet, as “insiders” are reporting that “the feud is far from over”. What could these gladiators possibly have in store for round 2 of their raging rumble? Only time will tell, but if peace-keeping efforts aren’t made soon, someone’s agent could end up getting a choicely-worded letter.

ICYMI: Looks Like Funny Girl 2 Is a No Go

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There’s been a lot of talk about Barbara Streisand lately — and not just surrounding her oddly come-hither rack. During her record 47th Farewell Tour, Babs attempts some SNL-worthy humor by bringing out a George W. Bush impersonator and a whole lot of political angst. Yentl then had the moxy to tell one heckler to “Shut the f*** up.” Wonder what all the controversy is about? Take a look at some of the cutting edge comedy happening in your parents’ world. We’re still waiting to see Celine Dion riding a tandem bicycle with Condoleeza Rice while singing “Power of Love”.

REMINDER: Scarlett Johansson Is Still Hot

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scarlett2.JPGMemo to the NY Post: If you’re going to include this picture of Scarlett Johansson from Allure magazine in your newspaper, please give the reader fair warning. Something along the lines of “Alert: When you turn the page you’re going to see a semi-nude photograph of the sexiest woman alive (who also happens to be a role model for sexual health. Make sure you’re not eating or drinking anything, for you’ll surely choke, and if you’re a man on the subway, make sure you’re not standing too close to anybody. For obvious reasons.”

We haven’t seen this photo anywhere else online today, so you’re just going to have to enjoy this low-res scanned image. Or you can go buy The Post. It’ll probably be the best $.25 you spend today. Just make sure you’re prepared. You’ve been warned.

Texting PETA: WHERE R U?

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Dear PETA,

While you’re busy splashing fur-bedecked magazine editors with red paint and insisting that chickens each be handed a plush studio-cage, there are live animals – LIVE – who are being tortured out in the open, for all the world to see, and you guys don’t intervene. Look at this pug held by Paris Hilton, clearly being squeezed to death both physically and intellectually. Either this lil’ guy has Graves’ disease, or it’s exhibiting classic “warning signs” in the realm of “I only have a few more hours to live.”

For God’s sake, the pup even tries to slap her himself — and fails.

Please, unzip your bloodstained cow costumes, take a long look in the mirror, and hotfoot it to LA where hundreds of toy animals are experiencing this torture on a daily basis.

Sincerely,
The World Including, But Not Limited To, Blind People