SIZZLER: Rob Schneider Finally Takes a Stand

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rschneid_l1.jpgDuring all this crazy, coo-coo Mel Gibson business, America has unanimously been wondering: “What does thespian and half-Jew Rob Schneider think of all this?” Thank God, today, the man finally speaks his mind. In a thoughtfully worded letter printed in today’s Variety, Schneider vows to never, NEVER, work with Mel Gibson again. The letter (which you can read here) reads like comedy butter, and while we fully support Schneider’s (and, apparently, Bernie Brillstein‘s) firm stance on the matter, we’re more than a little disappointed that we’ll never be able to look forward to Gibson’s smarmy-ass face in the three-quel, Deuce Bigalow: Banging Every Broad In Malibu As Long As She’s Not A Dirty Jew Gigolo.

BWE 100: Counting Down To #1

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In honor of our 100th episode, all week long we’ve been sharing 100 seconds of our favorite celebrities. We started with Paris Hilton at Number 5, then Tomkat at Number 4. Lindsay Lohan clocked in at Number 3, and now we’ve arrived at Number 2. So who’s our second favorite topic of conversation? Well, it’s Brangelina, of course.

Who’s #1? Make sure you come back tomorrow to find out.

It’s August 3rd; What’s up?

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louis ck.jpgLucky Louie. Depending on who you ask, it’s either the funniest show on TV or the absolute worst. There’s no middle ground. Tonight HBO is running a Lucky Louie marathon, full of off-color jokes, bad acting, and male full frontal nudity. It’s gonna be a great time… or a terrible one. I guess we’ll see.

Also on tonight; Big Brother, Windfall, shows about Sharks and America’s Got Talent. So what are YOU watching tonight? Vote now!

ICYMI: Al Roker Hams Things Up

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We seriously do not understand what control room glitch went down on this morning’s Today Show. Check out this clip of Al Roker interviewing Project Runway‘s Tim Gunn and Nina Garcia. We swear, this is actually how it aired.

Not sure what it all means — though we have had the craziest hankering to design a three-piece suit made out of ham, complete with a bacon-strip bow-tie and a porkpie hat.

The Tiniest Drug Sniffing Dog in America

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chihuahua.JPGOK, the whole cuteness thing has been played out, sure. But don’t file this item under “cute” — file it under “kick ass.” A police department in Chardon, Ohio has trained a 6-pound chihuahua to sniff out adorable, cuddly drugs! The tiny pup, Midge, is such a local celebrity, he was even the Grand Marshall of a local parade! (Pause for hysterical crying.) First of all, God bless the person who took the time to make a 4-inch long kevlar vest for this lil lady. Logic tells us that a chihuahua would make a great drug sniffing dog. What other animal could burrow itself so thoroughly in one’s luggage — only to discover one single, tiny tiny ecstasy pill placed in a golden locket. How do they carry Midge around? Do they strap her to the back of a huge German shephard like the Space Shuttle, deploying her when a sketchy looking nook or cranny is in the area? Here is what we do know: We would spoon the hellll out of this little munchkin, assuming we remembered to leave our black-tar heroin in the car.

While You Were Browning Out

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Best Night Ever: Wednesday, August 2nd

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Alan was all set to tape the best of all best nights ever, but the power went out in Queens and instead, he spent the night baking in million-degree heat. So you get some highlights, except for Project Runway, which is totally getting a post of its own.

…Of The Day

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  • YOU GOT SERVED: You got served, Mel Gibson. No, literally, you were served with legal papers. (Smoking Gun)
  • SPEAKING OF MEL: From Hunk To Drunk. Creepy. (US Weekly)
  • LESSON LEARNED: Jessica Simpson learned that if you wear a see-through blue shirt w/o a bra, people are going to take pictures of you in a see-through blue shirt w/o a bra. (Egotastic)
  • SOFTWARE: Microsoft’s new Voice Recognition software looks like it’s going to be… well, another s**tty Microsoft product. (Blog NYC)
  • NON-HEAT RELATED MELTDOWN: Elizabeth Hasselbeck straight-up lost her s**t today. I’d love to help her find it. (Gawker)

LISTEN UP: A Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • Stereogum reaches down from the indie rock heavens to give As Tall As Lions his divine blessing of being “a band to watch”.
  • Awesomely-named blog Dirtybronson drops off the latest Beck track along with the corresponding music video from Scientology’s coolest space cadet.
  • ThaBombShelter yells “incoming!” on “Like a Pen”, the latest cut from blog-darlings The Knife. You know, I really should invent a pen that is also a knife. Dammit.
  • Aquarium Drunkard, clearly still drowning his sorrows in booze and sad songs, has two versions of the same melancholy tune from Bonnie “Prince” Billy and Johnny “Motherf*cking” Cash – try to decide which one makes you more suicidally depressed.
  • Snow-Globe Universe seems to like Tap Tap and their song “100,000 Thoughts”, but also thinks that about 99,999 of those thoughts were about how much the band loves Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! and how awesome it would be to sound like them.

BWE: The Office’s Guide To What’s Safe/ Not Safe For Work

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Going an entire summer without The Office would have been too much to deal with. Thankfully they’re airing webisodes over at NBC.com to keep us updated on our favorite Pennsylvanian office staff all summer long. Kevin and Angela took a sick day and snuck over to Best Week Ever to guide us through what’s SFW and what’s NSFW via a handy instructional video. So check it out… and make sure you take notes.