Lone Gardener Battles Against CBS’s Faggotry

by

cbs_logo_240_001.jpgIf you signed up for e-mail updates about landscaping from OutsidePride.com, you also signed up for CEO Troy Hake’s angry missives about the homosexuality he witnessed on CBS during the previous night’s episodes of Without A Trace and Cold Case. Normally a mild-mannered purveyor of soil products, Hake suddenly hulks out into a pissed off Pat Robertson when his normal night of god-fearing family entertainment featuring kidnappings and grisly murders solved by heterosexual crime-fighters is interrupted by two consecutive hours of what he describes as “gay feelings” and “lesbianism”. But Troy is no hate-mongering fag-basher:

Now, I am NOT trying to bash homosexuals and I am not a bigot; however, I feel homosexuality is morally wrong and should not be “promoted” as what is the norm for society…If homosexuality was the norm, civilization would have ceased to exist thousands of years ago. Procreation takes a man and a woman. There was Adam and then there was Eve, not Adam and Steve.

Who knew a Lawn Fertilizer salesman could also fertilize our minds with seeds of such genius rhetoric? Maybe he can do something about this Will & Grace show – I hear it’s all about the gays!

LISTEN UP: A Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

by

chip-hop-cover.jpg

  • MC Plus+ is the geekiest thing to happen to rap since K-Fed, and his album Chip Hop is an absolute must-download.
  • Aquarium Drunkard finds out what happens when two kids from Alabama head out to the green, green fields of Humboldt County, California: Brightblack Morning Light.
  • I Rock Cleveland goes to town with a new tune from the forthcoming record from folkie Richard Buckner.
  • Muzzle of Bees has netted a rawking new track from The Black Keys.
  • MOKB does a drive-by on instrumental buzz-band Ratatat.

Sharpen Your Shivs: NYC Star Maps!

by

STARMAP.JPGNew York Magazine has compiled a NYC Map of the Stars, replete with a handy-dandy, easy-to-stalk grid. While the magazine claims that the pinpoints are not the exact locations of the stars, it does encourage readers to hang out at the corner bodegas to try and catch a glimpse of Derek Jeter buying a 40 oz., or to check out what kind of pornography Karl Lagerfeld prefers (Men on Horseback). We know how many of our readers are expert cartographers, and not necessarily creepy fans of celebrity-related things, so please: Enjoy. (Link via Gawker.)

SIZZLER: Leto Shops at Urban Goutfitters

by

letosuffers.jpgAfter his band 30 Seconds to Mars performed to a completely uninterested crowd (except for thirty or so eyeliner-wearing message board superfans in the front row) at last weekend’s Lollapalooza Festival, Jared Leto took a long enough break from being totally punk rock in the Fila swag suite to explain to Page Six why he was sporting a pair of decidedly un-indie plastic clogs. After gaining and losing so much weight for his upcoming film Chapter 27, Leto has developed gout, a painful mineral buildup in the joints. Could this also be the reason for his pretentious emo rockstar posturing? Either way, his suffering is as real as the make-up-colored tears streaming down his sad little cheeks.

OVER/UNDER: One Ocean View

by

one oceanv.jpg“Basically I wake up in the morning and every day is the best day of my life. Because I know that I’ve gotten better looking from the night before.”- Usman, One Ocean View

ABC’s Fire Island reality show One Ocean View is two episodes old now, but judging by the bland characters (everyone other than Usman, naturally), contrived drama, and overall borrrrrrrrrrringness of the show, I can’t imagine it lasting that much longer. Now, I haven’t checked the ratings– for all I know it’s the Two & A Half Men of reality shows– but I’d be shocked… SHOCKED… if One Ocean View makes it past episode number 4. I mean, have you seen it? It’s a poor man’s The Hills, full of rock music so generic it makes the Hilary Duff intro on Laguna Beach sound like the White Stripes. You know it’s bad when your friends describe a montage song as a “lame Jet rip-off.” Um, isn’t that a bit redunant?

So the OVER/UNDER is 4 episodes. Will One Ocean View surpass the 4 episode mark? Will it fall short and crap out at three? Or will it survive two more weeks only to get the plug pulled immediately following the airing of the fourth? What do you think? Vote now!

Cher Your Thoughts!

by

CHER080606_1.jpg

What’s most disturbing about this picture of Cher?

a. Cher looks like a dead fish pulled out of the ocean.
b. Cher spent $48 on a bag full of clothes from Wet Seal.
c. Cher probably takes 3 hours to cross a street.
d. Despite our harmless jibes, Cher still has a great body.
e. Cher was seen in a suburban mall minus an entourage.

Vote now!
(Photo via X17)

SIZZLER: Putting the “Sir” in “You Got Served”

by

MILLS.jpgLesson to all you one-legged models out there: Probs best not to date/marry Sir Paul McCartney. McCartney, who was famously married to soft-core porn model Heather “Ilene” Mills, is now in the midst of what’s looking to be a nasty divorce. Most everyone’s favorite Beatle had to freeze his bank account last month after Mills withdrew nearly $2 million. Attorneys now say that McCartney could lose up to a quarter of his wealth, or roughly the GNP of Portugal.

Yesterday, police responded to a call that a strange man was climbing over the wall of McCartney’s property. Turns out, it was Mills’ bodyguard, told to climb over the wall after McCartney went ahead and changed the locks without telling her. How bad must it suck to be a one-legged woman’s bodyguard, p.s.? It’s like “Um, do me a favor? Can you climb over this wall and break into my ex-husband’s house for me? I’d do it… but with the leg and all… so… yeah.” No charges were pressed, but the message is pretty clear: Keep you and your parts off my property.

Who are you guys siding with?

While You Were Contemplating the Scientific Possibility of Time-Travel, Based On What You Saw In the ‘Back To the Future’ Movies

by

francis.jpg

  • Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis sexually assaulted a female reporter from the LA Times sent to determine whether he’s really guilty of all those sexual assualt accusations. I can’t decide whether this the dumbest or most genius PR move of all time, but I’m pretty sure of one thing: Joe Francis is a really classy guy.
  • Ralph Shapiro, the prosecutor who filed DUI charges against Mel Gibson, has been taken off the case and will be replaced by deputy DA Gina Satriano. The switch is the result of a motion filed by Gibson’s lawyers requesting their client have more access to “sugar tits” in the courtroom.
  • Speaking of Mel Gibson, a mobile phone company is now offering a ringtone called “Mel In Malibu”, featuring an impersonation of the Aussie’s booze-fueled rant. It’s the perfect gift for any self-loathing, war-causing Jew, and just in time for Rosh Hashanah!
  • When Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson heard 200 of his countrymen were stranded after having fled the war in Lebanon, he jumped into a 757, picked them up, and flew them to safety. Then he bit off the head of a live chicken, covered himself in its blood, and performed a brain-crushing rendition of “Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter”. Now THAT’S f*cking metal.
  • Paris Hilton insists that she never profited from her infamous sex tape. It may have brought her career opportunities that were previously unfathomable, and helped her achieve worldwide celebrity status despite having no discernible accomplishments of any sort, but she most certainly DID NOT profit from it. What kind of person do you think she is?

GAMES: Snakes On A Babe

by

snakes babe.JPGThe folks who put together Snakes On A Plane know exactly how to go after the male demographic. First, they combined two things that all guys love: snakes and planes. Then, they added the one actor all guys agree is pretty badass: Samuel L. Jackson. And now, they’ve combined SoaP with every guy’s favorite video game: that sleazy one at the bar where you touch the screen to remove things until you see a naked girl. Sweet!

Head on over to Snakes On A Babe (get it?) to play that sketchy game in the privacy of your own home (or office.) It’s a great way to waste time until the inevitable porno with the same name comes along and ruins all the fun.

Link thanks to Egotastic.

Best Night Ever: Monday, August 7th

by

It’s Best Night Ever for Monday, August 7th! Brian Faas is here to walk you through the best of Monday night tv, including Treasure Hunters, Hell’s Kitchen, and One Ocean View!