CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: Snakes on a…Oh, F*ck It

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SoaP.jpg1. Victory! Guys, we did it. This just shows that we have the power to use irony and the Internet to make our voices heard, and make a Hollywood studio lots of money on a flick that would have otherwise gone straight to late-night Showtime. Weeeee! – $15.25 million

2. Will Ferrel’s bare ass is almost as pure box office gold as pirate movies starring Johnny Depp. Maybe they’re putting together a “Swashbuckled: the Rime of Baron von Bareass” project as we speak! – $14.1 million

3. I can’t believe this epic, completely philanthropic tribute to America is already down to number three. You freedom-hating French commie fags clearly want the terrorists to win – $10.8 million

4. Maybe if they would have come up some sort of ironically obvious title like, “Nerds Invent Their Own College Then Hilariously Overcome Tremendous Odds to Surprise Everyone In the End By Actually Succeeding”, the Internet would have latched onto it and shot it to the top of the chart. You win some, you lose some – $10.1 million

5. Dance like nobody’s watching! Oh wait, nobody IS watching - $9.9 million

Well, It’s Better Than “Little Miss Sunshine… Killer”

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NYPOSTcover.JPGThe New York Post really outdid themselves with today’s cover. What better way to honor a possible murderer/probable child rapist/definite insane gay-face than by referencing this weekend’s number one box office smash sensation, Snakes on a Plane? It’s no N.Y.P.D. Jew, but it’s close.

For the record, we caught Snakes on a Plane this weekend, and can truly say without a rail of sarcasm that it’s the best movie of the summer. Won’t you join us in helping to coin the best catchphrase of the year? “Get off my d**k!”

While You Were Working Through The Dog Days of Summer

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  • The man who confessed to killing Jon Benet Ramsey got the royal treatment on his flight back to America, drinking champagne and eating king prawns. Well, at least they weren’t baby shrimp.
  • Speaking of… Bam Magera’s uncle and future Celebrity Fit Club participant Don Vito was arrested in Colorado for inappropriately touching a child. There has to be a better way to stay warm in Colorado, doesn’t there?
  • Paris Hilton has launched a campaign to fight the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. The first step: don’t have sex with Paris Hilton.
  • Harold & Kumar star Kal Penn has joined the cast of 24 as a potential terrorist. And based on that information as well as 24′s recently history, I’m guessing that means Kal’s the Indian one.
  • Nick Lachey said it was awkward picking up his Best Love Song award at the Teen Choice Awards because ex-wife Jessica was hosting the show. That, and because he was a 32-year-old man picking up a Teen Choice award. But mostly the Jessica thing.

Best Night Ever: Sunday, August 20th!

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It’s Best Night Ever for Sunday, August 20th! Michael is here to walk you through the best of Sunday night tv, including Big Brother, Girls Next Door, and Flavor of Love!

Best Of The Best Week Ever!

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NICOLERICHE234.JPGJust because it’s August, doesn’t mean there weren’t some incredible revelations this week:

Have a great weekend all!

…OF THE DAY

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  • LOOKING GOOD, FEELING NOT SO HOT MOMENT: We are officially putting movie critic Roger Ebert on a Nicole Richie watch. Apparently, tumors on your salivary glands do wonders to your appearance. (LA Daily News)
  • METHOD ACTOR: Remember Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite? The muscle-clad guy who used to rough up Nappy the Dyn Dyn? Well, apparently he’s like that in real life too. (E! Online)
  • GUILTY FACES: Much like reading coffee dregs, analyzing the possible post-coital guilt on the faces of Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson seems like a fun way to spend a Friday afternoon. It isn’t really, but still. (CityRag)
  • HOMONYM ALERT: Menopause for a moment, and send Barry Manilow a” Get Well” card. He had hip surgery, and we’re assuming they mean his actual hip bone. We’re not sure how we would feel about a Barry Manilow in cute jeans that listened to Death Cab. (Associated Press)
  • REALITY STAR OF THE MINUTE: America’s Got Talent winner, 11-year-old Bianca Ryan, plans on donating part of the $1 million cash prize to her favorite charities, including the “Whatever I Want At Toys R’ Us Fund” and “Emancipated Children Dot Org.” (Philadelphia Daily News)

ICYMI: One Big Dick

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andy dick.jpgI know we live in an age in which we prefer our celebrity hijinx to be on convenient YouTube clips, but sometimes the magic happens off-camera and there’s nothing you can do about it, which is why we salute NY Post writer Mandy Stadtmiller for her painstaking trascription of what can only be described as the Most Amazing Celebrity Encounter Ever. Her front row seat to the carnival of human insanity that is Andy Dick inspired her to a write a one-act adaptation of the time they spent together, and the result is a work of such power and beauty, it could never possibly be realized by mere mortal. If this interaction had been captured on video and uploaded onto YouTube, the entire Internet would have exploded before even one of us had a chance to watch the clip (which undoubtedly would have immediately rendered the viewer blind and brain-damaged). Put on your reading glasses and take the time to pore over one woman’s brush with the supernatural.

ICYMI: Unintentional Anti-Drug Messages

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Our friends over at CRACKED have compiled a pretty YouTubular list of the “5 Most Obviously Drug-Fueled TV Appearances Ever”. These are really fun to watch, but some glaring omissions include The Hoff on American Idol, Alan Thicke on that celebrity cooking show that got cancelled, and Liz Taylor on pretty much every Academy Awards program in the last 50 years. Here’s a sneak peek, but be sure to enjoy them all – and say no to drugs (especially if you’re Crispin Glover)!

En Ess Eff Dubs Alert: PornoTube

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Pornotube.JPGIf you are not a fan of pornography, or if you have an actual realtown day job, might we suggest that you stop reading this post immediately. For the rest of you, divert your attention away from the porno flick you’re watching and check this out! The nakies world of filmmaking has responded to the highly successful YouTube phenomenon with their own herpes-infested version: Pornotube. All the videos are free, and uploading your own amateurish clips couldn’t be any more simplex, too. We have literally spent hours surfing through their clips (research, folks, relax), and let us tell you there is some high quality porking going on, involving oodles of girls who were likely-to-obvs molested by their dads, and men who just love to get laid. File Pornotube under “ideas we wish we had if we weren’t so busy watching porno.”

And for those readers under 18, don’t even try going to the site. There’s a highly clever barrier set up to prevent your perusal, so clever, in fact, that one would have to lie about their age to get past it. Saw-rryyyyy.