…OF THE DAY

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  • FRUSTRATION: Losing our internet service around 4:45, resulting in light postage in the latter portion of the day. We’re sorry, and certain this is somehow K-Fed’s fault.
  • FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FRESNO FAME: K-Fed’s homeboy from back home Ralph Johnson stepped into the spotlight to give extra his “exclusive” insider report that Kevs is bummed, but still optimistic. Somebody’s getting lucky at the Applebees bar tonight! (Defamer)
  • BIRTHDAY: TMZ, who celebrates one whole year of firecrotches, round the clock Hyde Nightclub coverage, and multiple instances of harassing celebrities to the point of violence. May your second year be twice as classy! (TMZ)
  • PRIMATE PARANOIA: Are monkeys trying to take over the world? And if they do, will it be hilarious? (RADAR)
  • PUDDING PAY-OFF: Bill Cosby has settled his “groping” suit with an unpublished amount that we’re going to estimate is in the neighborhood of 4.5 million pudding pops. (E! Online)
  • PERFECT TIMING: Rosario Dawson narrowly dodges the media frenzy bullet that would have resulted from her divorcing Jason Lewis (yeah, we don’t know either) if not for Brit and Kevs. (Hollyscoop)
  • A List of People Britney Spears Is Smarter Than

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    BRITNEYSPEARS2.JPGIf there’s one thing Britney Spears was never given much credit for, it was her brains. But yesterday’s shocking divorce proceedings from hubby K-Fed, and the details of the couple’s water-tight pre-nuptual agreement, proves that maybe the baby-producing pop star isn’t as dumb as we thought. In fact, to prove this point, we’ve compiled a list of people that Britney Spears is smarter than. There are plenty of surprises!

    Britney Spears Is Smarter Than…

    • Paul McCartney. His divorce from one-legged sometime soft-core porn model Heather Mills is adding up to be the most expensive divorce settlement in history. Mills could hobble away with anywhere from $200 to $400 million dollars!
    • Steven Spielberg. In the 1980′s, Spielberg weddorced actress Amy Irving (best known as Izzy in Crossing Delancey, i.e. unknown). Luckily, she’ll never have to work in that town again, as they never signed a pre-nup! “True love” quickly turned into “The $100 Million Mistake” for Steven.
    • Reese Witherspoon. Sure, Reese might be a better actress than Brit, but Reese’s southern hospitality is soon to bite her in the ass, as ex-huz Ryan Phillippe looks to earn a pretty penny in their divorce settlement.
    • Harrison Ford. Imagine you’re a hot young action star. Imagine you’ve made millions swinging from vines and protecting your children from the IRA. Now imagine some woman (who happens to be the mother of your children and wife) is all “this isn’t working out”, and then takes half of your Indiana Jones money, or roughly $85 million. You would also have a mid-life crisis.
    • Christina Aguilera. Kidding. We just wanted to rile you.

    “The Official Screencap of the 2006 Election”

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    (Rick Santorum’s son, via Wonkette)

    What better way to tell America how you feel than to pull the old “pushing up your glasses while simultaneously giving America the middle finger” trick during your father’s televised concession speech? Look’s like the schoolyard is gonna be a lot tougher when Daddy’s not a Senator anymore, eh?

    Sorry. We’re still getting over having to explain to our mother the other definition of Santorum. Google the guy’s name alone, and you’ll know what we mean. (Shudder.)

    LISTEN UP: Sounds Like Fish

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    • Gorilla vs Bear has some nice things to say about young folkster Benoit Pioulard, and a nice live track from Sufjan Stevens, who I think Pioulard sort of sounds like.
    • Speaking of soundalikes, Rewritable Content has an entire post’s worth of songs that resemble one another, including tracks by The Decemberists, The Spinto Band and Jens Lekman.
    • If you’re wondering what a live version of a brand new Modest Mouse track sounds like, head on over to Stereogum and find out.
    • If you want some more of that new Ghostface we love so much, roll on down to Notes From a Different Kitchen and get some more fish.
    • Instrumental Analysis has a few tracks from one of my favorite new rock & roller groups, Middle Distance Runner.

    BWE PRESENTS: What’s In the Cards For LOST?

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    After last week’s amazing LOST, and considering that tonight’s will be last episode for the three miserable months between now and February 7th (way to ruin the Holidays, guys), we can’t tell you how freakin’ stoked we are for tonight’s hour of frustrating-but-amazing goodness. Last week the Losties dropped some pretty big bombs on us, not the least of which was the chilling message found in Juleit’s “Subterranean Homesick Blues” cue-card homage. We’ve looked at the cards over and again, and made a few even more shocking discoveries!

    Pop Quiz: Whose Bones Are Weaker?

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    Ayayay! So much pain in Hollywood these days! It is no secret that I’ve always had a mini-fetish for animals in casts. A tiny animal, small cast, sad face… what’s not to love? Which is why we a-literally died when we saw Nicole Richie hoisting her pet cat in all his broken-pawed glory. The cat survived an incredible 10-story suicide attempt last week, and is now back to the lizard-like embrace of its owner. We feel bad for the feline, but being Nicole Richie’s cat ain’t such a bad gig: The two can share jeans, spoon on cold nights, and split a single serving of Tender Vittles for breaky, lunch and dindin. Pop Quiz — can you tell the difference between Nicole’s arm and her cat’s paw? If you know anything about eating disorders, you know the fur isn’t an immediate giveaway.

    We wish her cat a speedy recovery, and offer up one tip: Next time, aim the barrel of the gun towards the brain. It almost never fails. (Photos via X17 Online.)

    ICYMI: Celebrities Punk In Drublic

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    This is way more entertaining than it should be. YesButNoButYes has a list of 10 videos showcasing what celebrities do what they’re drunk. You’ve seen most of them before: Affleck groping, Ashlee ordering, Kiefer tackling, Britney marrying, etc. They never get old.

    Link via Gorillamask

    America Tells The Other Donald He’s Fired

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    rummy.jpg***WE BREAK FROM BRITNEY COVERAGE FOR THIS RELATIVELY UNIMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT***

    As the left-leaning people of this country are experiencing a collective orgasm over last night’s election results, and Donald Rumsfeld’s subsequent announcement that he will be resigning from his position of Secretary of Defense Destruction of Civilization As We Know It, we’d like to send some well-deserved proppers to our friends over at the CC Insider Blog for scooping the entire news media and breaking the big bye-bye-Rumsfeld story last night when Matt Drudge was still crying himself to sleep on his huuuuge pillow. Icing on the delicious cake of democracy.

    ***WE NOW RETURN TO OUR PREVIOUSLY SCHEDULED FED-EX PROGRAMMING***

    Mac Man Dies, PC Guy Lives On

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    mac pc.jpgProving once and for all that PC’s have a better shelf life than Mac’s, Apple has ditched Justin “I’m a Mac” Long in a new series of ads.

    A rep for Long told Radar that the reason Justin won’t be reprising his role as Mr. Mac is because “Justin’s a movie star, not a commercial guy.” She’s right. Though if he keeps making movies like these, “commercial guy” is going to sound really good in a couple of years.

    No word yet as to who will be taking on the role as the new Mac guy. We recommend Nick Kroll, naturally.