DAILY HASSLE: Is The Hoff Also The Antichrist?

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hoffdevil2.JPGWhile completing his morning vanity Google (right between showering and breakfast), The Hoff found himself posed with an existentially troubling question: could he possibly be The Antichrist foretold by ancient Christian prophets? Apparently one of Google’s 7,333,600 references to The Hoff (he knows the exact number) suggests that His Hoffness might in fact be the biblically-prophesied Beast of Babylon sent to bring a reign of darkness upon the Earth in a hellish Abomination of Desolation. Could the former Baywatch star be responsible for the trials and tribulations associated with End Times, and if so, why haven’t we read about this in those Left Behind books? Is Knight Rider actually one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and does that make KITT a hell-beast? All I know is that I’m terrified by the awesome power of The Hoff and hope that he never chooses to use his omnipotence for dark or evil purposes (other than America’s Got Talent).

Team Aniston Kicking Team Brangelina’s Ass

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STARCOVER2.JPGThis morning, we were blessed with the news that Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn were a-finally engaged. Team Aniston rejoices. They just want to see Jen happy.

Then Star Magazine comes out. Announcing on its cover (in a harsh looking Arial Bold) that Angelina Jolie has moved out of the house with the kids! And that Brad Pitt is “freaking” out! This is like Team Aniston winning the World Series. This is huge.

Although considering that Star also “reveals” that Matthew McConaughey is Jen’s new boyfriend — and now knowing that isn’t true — well, don’t believe everything you read in $1.99 tabloids. Still, we hate to think about those three gorgeous Pitt children grow up without Brad. We’re dying to see what kind of Daddy issues Shiloh ends up with.

ICYMI: The Symphonic Sounds of Donkey Kong

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Our friends at Double Viking brought this clip to our attention, a musical medley of classic 8-bit video games, taken from a performance by the Video Games Live Orchestra. What can we say, we’re suckers for pretty much anything pertaining to poor graphics and simplistic gameplay. But still, this is pretty awesome:

While You Were Misspelling ‘Wednesday’

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  • Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston are officially engaged! Vaughniston for life!!! Or at least until he wants kids.
  • Tom Cruise will release pictures of baby Suri shortly. They finally found a child actor to play the part.
  • Newly single Dave Navarro is reportedly dating porn star Jenna Jameson. BWE congratulates Dave for rebounding with the one woman who could make Carmen Electra insecure.
  • Lindsay Lohan has admitted that she lies to the press about her love life to make things interesting. But everything she says about not doing drugs is totally, totally true.
  • Diddy has given Justin Timberlake permission to use his catchphrase, “sexy.” Whew. The last thing you want to do is use the word “sexy” without the expressed written consent of a man who calls himself Diddy.

Best Night Ever: Tuesday, August 8th

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It’s Best Night Ever for Tuesday, August 8th! Alan is here to walk you through the best of Tuesday night tv, including Fear Factor, Rockstar:Supernova, and Last Comic Standing!

…Of The Day

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  • DISAPPOINTMENT: Colin Farrell. No, we’re not talking about Miami Vice, we’re talking in bed. (Us Weekly)
  • DUNZO UPDATE: LC & Jason are Dunzo. As is Kristin & her man. Stephen’s cell is about to start working overtime. (I’m Not Obsessed)
  • MASHUP: Beavis & Butthead do Se7en. I think I like this version better. (Gorillamask)
  • MTV CURSE: First they killed music videos, now they kill celebrity couples. Barkers- your time is done. (D-Listed)
  • SIGNS OF ANTI-SEMITISM: This movie trailer expalains them all. Thanks Mel.

ICYMI: It’s Never Too Soon for 9/11 Movies

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When Oliver Stone’s World Trade Center opens tomorrow, different people will experience different emotions. Curiosity. Excitement. Disgust. Etc. I for one will be elated. Mainly because I’ll be $20 richer thanks to the “There will be a movie about September 11th starring Nicolas Cage in under five years” bet I made on 9/12/01.

With last month’s United 93 and tomorrow’s World Trade Center, 9/11 is to the summer of ’06 what asteroid movies like Armageddon and Deep Impact were to the summer of ’98. And that’s why a film like Ground Zeromance probably isn’t too far off.

Full Disclosure: Okay, so I’m involved in The Post Show. But come on, I had to post this. It’s timely, dammit.

SIZZLER: The Hoff Seeks A Mate

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hasselkate.JPGWatch out ladies, The Hoff is on the prowl!

The newly single Knight Rider has announced that he’s ready to date again. So what’s The Hoff looking for in a woman? One word: Fame.

“I’m looking for a woman who’s more famous than me. Kate Beckinsale. I whispered in her ear the other day on the red carpet, ‘I’ll give you everything I have.’ She just laughed. But, you know, when she met me she seemed very excited. But she’s happily married, so nothing’s going to happen.”

So BeckinHoff is not meant to be. That’s fine- he can do much better in the nickname department anyway. Click below to find who we think he should set his sites on. Because it’s only a matter of time before we’re blessed with a LoHoff.

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ICYMI: Best Movie Trailer of All Time? Def.

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We want to meet the genius who posted this trailer for Steve Guttenberg‘s turn as Lobo Morongo in the movie Don’t Tell Her It’s Me. On second thought, we want to meet the director who cocked Guttenberg’s head just so during the douche-chilliest monologue of all time, and the hairstylist who permed the mullet-wig, and, of course, Kyle Mclachlan (some things never change).

(Forever indebted to Julia for the vid.)

American Idol Song-o-Tron 2000

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hicks.jpgAmerican Idol auditions are right around the corny, and this season is (cue publicist’s dummy) sure to be the best one yet. For the first time ever, producers of the show are giving the American songwriting public a chance to pen the big closing number sung on the show’s final episode. Because we care, we’ve put together a Mad Libs style song entry, so each and every one of you can enter. Get out a pen and paper, write down a word for each number. Then, after the jump, plug it into your new hit song, and mail it off to the show. We’ll let you know which one of you wins in about 7 months time.

1. Object; 2. Location; 3. Body Part; 4. Verb; 5. Adjective; 6. Noun; 7. Verb; 8. Noun; 9. Verb; 10. Noun; 11. Name; 12. Exclamation; 13. Noun; 14. Exclamation; 15. Noun

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