Investors Pull Out of Dakota Fanning…’s Rape Movie

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dakota1.jpgMaybe you’ve already heard that “Apple of America’s Eye”© Dakota Fanning is in the midst of filming Hounddog, a movie which, thanks to a couple of run-of-the-mill child rape scenes, is drawing loads upon loads of press. Fanning’s parents defend the role, explaining that little Dakota is in dire need of an Oscar, and it’s gonna take a good old-fashioned rape scene to guilt the Academy into forking one over. Well, apparently, investors in the movie decided that their money was better off going to back other projects, like a film where Haley Joel Osment plays an abusive pimp, or one where Jonathan Lipnicki dons a Tom Cruise facemask and slaughters a coupla babies — point being, they are withdrawing their funds. Hopefully, Fanning can strike another deal with the Devil and find the money to keep this film rolling, because it looks like it might be the most disturbingly nightmare-inducing film of all time.

For investor’s looking for another project to sink their cash into, how about Johnny Postal, where Natalie Portman is slated to play a troubled hooker alongside Blondie’s Deborah Harry. Now that’s the kind of deviant sex America can stand behind!

PISSLER: Pink & Yellow

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pink peeing.jpgCelebrities are just like us! Specifically, they’re just like us after a dozen beers tailgating at a Dave Matthews concert when the line to the Port-A-Potty is stretching around the parking lot and we don’t think we can hold it that long.

The eternally classy Pink took a break from criticizing her contemporaries like Britney Spears & Paris Hilton to enjoy some quailty me pee time over the weekend. Naturally, the paparazzi was there to snap a few pics and leak them on the web. Yep. I said leak.

You can head over to BlogNYC to see the candid photos right now, or you can wait a couple of hours until they’re posted on every fetish site on the net. It’s totally up to you.

Pink… *sigh*…Stupid girl. Stupid, stupid girl.

Mel Gibson’s Third Apology

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erotic cake.jpgA lot of people have been discussing Mel’s second apology following his drunk driving, slur-slipping arrest last week. If you recall, his first apology was directed to… well, nobody really, while his second apology focused on the Jews (you know, those people who start the wars.) Well, that wasn’t enough.

There was another victim the night of Mel’s arrest (and no, I’m not talking about all of the helpless gossip bloggers who are forced to write about this.) If you head over the Huffington Post you can read Mel’s third, and perhaps most poignant apology to date.

Don’t do it for me, and don’t do it for Mel. Do it for the Sugar Tits.

ICYMI: The New Borat Trailer is Mindblowing

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Suffice it to say, no upcoming movie release has captured our attention more than Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (it’s official title). While star Sacha Baron Cohen is taking heat for manipulating innocent redneck members of the American public, this brand new trailer makes us want to camp out for the opening day, replete with moustaches on our lips and hearts on our sleeves.

Gwyneth Paltrow To Be Chased by Angry Mob

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PALTROW.JPGGwyneth Paltrow has finally admitted what the public has been thinking for years: Bitch is huge. Of course, we’re kidding. Girl could twist herself into a yoga pretzel, hang from a street vendor’s cart, sell for $1, and no one would blink a flaxen eyelash. The Shallow Hal star has told friends that since the birth of her babies, she’s developed these weird “lumps” on her body — not realizing that those things are in fact breasts, and that they’re supposed to be there. Paltrow, famous for her macrobiotic diet and killer dutch ovens, is debating getting plastic surgery to smooth the milimeter of body fat that is keeping her up at nights. But judging from these pictures recently taken at an effing modeling shoot, Paltrow looks as beautiful as ever. So either she can accept herself for who she is — a successful, willowy actress — or shut her trap, open her nostrils, and take up cocaine like the rest of us.

CAPTION THIS: Hezbollah On a Dance Floor

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Look, I’ll be honest – I have no idea what’s going on with the whole Israel/Palestine/Hezbollah thing right now. I don’t really read the news unless it involves Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Tom Cruise or David Hasselhoff, so all this violence in the Middle East is pretty confusing for me. Thank god Madonna was there to explain to us the complexities of this conflict upon the chiseled bodies of her shirtless backup dancers during a recent performance.

ICYMI: Mel Gets Mashed Again

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Jew thought Mel Mania Week was over, didn’t jew? Well jew were wrong, because the anti-Semitic fun has just begun! Besides, what would any good scandal be without at least one resulting internet mash-up? That’s why jew should check out this hilarious parody trailer for Mel Gibson’s Signs: of Anti-Semitism by Steven Santos and BWE’s own editor Marcos Levy (who’s also partly responsible for all the wars in the world).

(Digg this here)

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: You’re My Boy, Ricky Bobby!

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rickybobby.jpg1. The trailer alone had more funny in it than every comedy Hollywood has crapped out so far this year (except for Little Man – that was HILARIOUS!), so this isn’t particularly surprising. And people really, really love watching Will Ferrell yell and scream – $47 million

2. I guess Babe, Chicken Run and Racing Stripes just couldn’t feed America’s insatiable appetite for animated manure$16 million

3. Man, do you guys have any idea what a person can do with eleventy bajillion dollars? Cause there are a couple dudes at Disney who would really love to know – $11 million

4. Seeing that Miami Vice had dropped three places after last week’s #1 opening, Don Johnson threw down his morning paper, punched his maid in the face, and spent the rest of the day leaving Colin Farrell nasty voice messages about what happens when you try to f*ck over Don Johnson – $9.7 million

5. This movie is almost as scary as the fact that M. Night Shamalamadingdong thinks he’s still an important filmmaker – $8.8 million

While You Were Training for the Real World Marathon…

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  • Samuel L. Jackson‘s follow-up movie to Snakes on a Plane is called Black Snake Moan. Jackson plays a musician who cures a young nymphomaniac, played by Christina Ricci, of her addiction. While producers of BSM won’t admit to using the publicity from Jackon’s other snake movie to boost ticket sales, it’s kind of odd that the movie’s tagline is “Get my motherf***in’ snake out your motherf***in’ brain, bitch!”
  • The New York Times gives a lesson in Celebrity Gay Denial 101: 1. Say you’re not. 2. Laugh it off. 3. Come out on the cover of People.
  • Is Pamela Anderson already pregnant? You know her breasts are gonna be soooo jealous when the new globe growing out of her body starts getting all the attention.
  • Speaking of which, is Britney Spears pregnant with a baby girl? And, if so, do they make thong underwear for fetuses?
  • Patrick Swayze, clearly outraged by the sentiments of Rob Schneider, stands by his old buddy Mel Gibson and says he’s a good man. We see this for what it really is: A clever ruse to get Gibson to co-star in Road House 2.
  • Mary-Kate Olsen is smiling! Looks like somebody drank the blood of orphans this weekend!

ICYMI: Britney’s Home Movies Are Abstract Art

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If you gathered up Spike Jonze, Charlie Kaufman, Michel Gondry, Matthew Barney, John Waters and Salvador Dali, fed them large doses of psychedelic mushrooms, strapped video equipment to each of them, and sent the entire group into a NASCAR race, you’d still never be able to capture video footage as absolutely bizarre and completely surreal as this 3-minute clip of Britney Spears casually chatting/burping about her fears and frustrations:

(via Superficial)