Bad News Bearers: Robert Altman Passes at 81

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altman.JPGOne of Hollywood’s most legendary directors, Robert Altman, passed away last night at the age of 81. The cause of death has not been released. Altman was notoriously secretive about his health, revealing for the first time this March that he received a heart transplant 10 years earlier, but did not want to publicize his struggle for fear of not getting work. Despite the director’s age, he was still busy making his trademarked ensemble films — his last movie being A Prairie Home Companion released this year. He was a juggler of all-star performers, and his cutting satirical style was a refreshing change from the usual shlocky Hollywood fare. If you’re looking for some entertainment this long weekend, get your hands on MASH, Shortcuts or The Player for some of his best stuff.

Paul Scheer Punks Demi & Ashton

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Starveillance, a new show that “takes a hilarious jab at celebrities and pop culture through claymation re-enactments” premieres on E! this January. BWE’s own Paul Scheer lends his voice to Ashton Kutcher in this laugh-out-loud recreation of Demi & Ashton’s first date. You know, something tells me this is exactly how the whole thing went down. Watch it here.

“Is This The Woman Who Broke-Up ScarJo?”

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File this item under a “real noodlescratcher”… while the world reels from the apparent break-up of movie hunk Josh Hartnett and bosomy bombshell Scarlett Johansson, people are beginning to demand answers. Namely, who is the woman who broke-up these two lovebirds? An Australian news website seems more obsessed than most, perhaps because Hartnett is in New Zealand filming 30 Days of Night (somehow not a sequel to his masturbationally challenged epic 40 Days and 40 Nights), and spent the weekend partying with his new mystery gal at a trendy club in Woolloomooloo Wharf, the actual name of a non-fictional place in Sydney.

No, our problem isn’t even that Harnett has found new love, or that he told the paparazzi to get “f**ked”, or that his new movie is about a town attacked by a bloodthirsty gang of vampires (seriously)…. our problem is that we spent a solid 10 minutes trying to figure out who his new mystery woman was, before realizing that is was actually Josh Hartnett himself — his new squeeze posed subtly in the corner. So forget who he’s dating — when did the guy’s ass get so damn tiny? Looks like Scarlett was suffocating him… physically speaking.

Kramer Even Awkwardly Apologizes Hilariously!

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Last night Michael Richards appeared on Letterman live via satellite to apologize for his recent racist tirade. Don’t bother watching the video unless you absolutely need closure; it’s long, it’s rambling, it’s awkward, and it’s slightly more uncomfortable than The Michael Richards Show. You’ve been warned.

While You Were Saying Sorry For Saying the N-Word

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  • After a recent Jay-Z show in Vegas, a drunken Paris Hilton got up to lip-synch through a couple of her songs, but her impromptu performance was cut short after she vomited onstage. Paris’ music apparently has the same effect on her as it does the rest of us.
  • Nicole Richie has fired her stylist. While Skeletor is sad about having to return to Castle Greyskull, he shrugged off the bad news by saying, “Eh, it’s been a good run,” then laughing maniacally.
  • During his wedding reception, Tom Cruise serenaded Katie Holmes with a rendition of “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling”, which she likely remembered from seeing Top Gun when she was nine. No word on whether Tom slapped a nearby bar-back on the ass and told him he could “ride his tail anytime, Iceman”.
  • The Game was arrested for impersonating a police officer. Authorities caught onto the rapper’s ruse when they observed him harassing himself for no apparent reason, then putting on handcuffs and roughly throwing himself in the back of his own car.
  • OJ Simpson’s wanton molestation of his dead wife salacious book and TV interview deal have been cancelled, leaving us all with no choice but to figure out who killed Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman all on our own.

…Of The Day

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  • ALREADY OUTDATED LIST: Film Threat named the 50 Coldest People in Hollywood. Make it 51. (A Socialite’s Life)
  • LONG OVERDUE NEWS: Pete Doherty, arrested for possession. God, it feels so good typing that again. It’s been too long. (Celebitchy)
  • IT HAD TO BE ADDRESSED: Who has the bigger mouth, Steven Tyler or Mick Jagger? It’s about time somebody tackles the big issues. (Cityrag)
  • LETS GO METS: So Julian Casablancas of The Strokes roots for the Mets and thinks Yankees fans are “dicks”? Nobody’s perfect. (Deadspin)
  • SPANK YOU VERY MUCH: Britney Spears wants to give away her sex tape so K-Fed doesn’t make any money off it. Um… thank you? (Spank Cheeks)

TIVO ALERT: Michael Richards Apologizes

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jerrykramer.JPGAn anonymous source reports that Michael Richards will appear on The Late Show with David Letterman tonight, liva via satellite. According to the source, Richards hijacks Jerry Seinfeld’s interview and uses the time to apologize for… well, you can take a guess.

So you know what this means? Jerry & Kramer, reunited at last! Oh boy! If only hate fueled outbursts were more common amongst Seinfeld alumni, perhaps they’d make more public appearances together. We can only cross our fingers.

Kramer’s Racist Rant the Greatest Thing To Happen To Paul Rodriguez’s Career Since Born In East LA

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Daily Douche - pRod.jpgYou know what’s worst than going onstage and shouting horrifying racial slurs? Trying to squeeze a little much-needed pub out of it. During his completely unnecessary press conference (not this one, but the second one) outside of The Laugh Factory in the wake of this weekend’s Kramergate fiasco, outraged comedian in a Hawaiian Shirt Paul Rodriguez simply could not resist the opportunity to pepper a few “Rodriguezingers” into his empassioned improv act condemnation of racism in stand-up comedy. In a dazzling display of comedic economy, P-Rod packs in references to Jews, Mel Gibson and (never failing to be timely) racist mid-90’s police office Mark Fuhrman (hey, OJ’s back!) in a funny-flurry lasting just under 30 seconds, desperately trying to prove that he was the authority on racial stereotype humor long before the very first lazy “lazy beaner” hilarity-nugget trickled into the Mind of Mencia. This is, of course, the most press attention Paul Rodriguez has ever enjoyed (you know Louie Anderson is just PRAYING that the guy who played Newman shows up to his gig tonight at the Funny Bone in Toledo to tell us why he hates Asians), which might explain his total inability to even pretend not to be using this unfortunate incident to further his unfunny joke of a career, and the reason that P-Rod is today’s Daily Douche.

SIZZLER: Doomed Celeb Love Is “In Bloom”!

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bloomdunst.jpgOhmygod b*tchez, guess who the latest couple of Hollywood hotties who’ve been caught “canoodling” enough times by anonymous “insiders” that they’ve caused the tabloid rags to up their status to “In a relationship”? It’s Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom! Can I get an “OMG LOL WTF ROFL!”? I mean, this is the most SHOCKING, INTERESTING and EXCITING news I’ve heard in the last four minutes, and it immediately poses two critical questions:

a) How many celebrity gossip writers will make a pun using the word “Bloom” in relation to love “blooming”?; and

b) What will the inevitable tabloid nickname be? “Bloomst”? “Dubloomer”? Personally, I’m partial to “Dumb”.

Ah, how the Arbitrary Matching of Super-Fascinating Famous People game can be so confounding! However, this scorching hot gossip couldn’t come at a more perfect time, because the film they starred in together, Elizabethtown, just so happens to be making its late night cable debut on the Encore Love channel this week! SIZZLING!