The Most Annoying Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Contestant Ever

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MILLIONAIRE1.JPGHere’s recipe for great television: Have a cognitive neuroscientist take advantage of the policy on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire:

Since the producers allow contestants unlimited time to work out answers (as long as they’re not just stalling), I knew that I could employ the most basic of priming tactics: talking about the question, posing scenarios, throwing out wild speculations, even just babbling — trying to cajole my prefrontal neurons onto any cue that could trigger the buried neocortical circuits holding the key to the answer.

Well la-dee-da, Mr. Scientist Man! Judging from his game-playing tactics, he’ll either end up a millionaire, or snag a coveted panelist seat on The View. Read his engaging account of his Millionaire experience here to find out how much he walked away with. For the dumbest Millionaire contestant of all time, click here. For our favorite Millionaire finish of all time, click here. And for the best Millionaire parody, click here.

AD WIZARDS: “The Worst Use of Coldplay Ever”

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That’s exactly what our own panelist Paul Scheer had to say about this commercial for a Star Wars movie marathon on Cinemax, and that kind of accurate statement is exactly why Paul is on TV and you are not. This hamfisted crap has George Lucas written all over it.

ICYMI: Johnny Cash Channels Access Hollywood

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The following plays like a celebrity video yearbook from the “Old West.” It’s the new music video for the Johnny Cash song “God’s Gonna Cut You Down,” featuring Chris Martin, Sheryl Crow, Johnny Depp, Owen Wilson, Chris Rock and Kate Moss’ ass. There really doesn’t seem to be a point to this video, other than celebrities trying to look/be cool. Which is reason enough for us. But would Johnny approve?

LISTEN UP: Whoo! Alright — Yeah, Uh-Huh!

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  • Fluxblog has a new track from The Rapture called “Whoo! Alright – Yeah, Uh-Huh!”, which we actually thought was the name of the hottest new indie band to come out of CMJ.
  • In case you “missed the boat” on the first one, more live versions of the new Modest Mouse tracks are trickling out over at Heartache With Hard Work.
  • Thanks to INDIEBLOGHEAVEN, I learned that Britt Daniel from Spoon recorded a track with Bright Eyes, and I learned that I liked it.
  • There’s a new track from indie rock supergroup Swan Lake up over at indie rock superblog Aquarium Drunkard.
  • I like things that sound old-timey, like Quaker Oats and the Archie Bronson Outfit, whose phonographic recordings are available for your amusement over at Heart on a Stick.

Shuffling Towards The Weekend

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paul ipod.JPGWhen we asked Uncle Grambo from Whatevs.org if he’d like to participate our iPod shuffle this week, he gave the exact response we were hoping for: “Obvs!” The man who represented D-town, created his own language (“bovs on YOUR tees”) and who has an unhealthy obsession with Amanda Bynes currently sits 15 feet away from me and guess what; he doesn’t give a damn about indie-cred. Below are the first 5 songs that popped up on his iPod shuffle. When you’re done reading, add your own Shuffle in the comments. Or don’t. Whatevs.

1) Bob Marley, “Stir It Up” - Well f*ck me in the goat ass. I just knew that revealing the contents of my iPod would turn me into “that guy”. You know, that guy down the hall from you freshman year with the giant subway poster of Bob Marley thumbtacked to his dorm room wall who bought his incense by the gross?
2) Underworld, “Rez” - Great, just great. Apparently now I’ve graduated from weed to ecstasy. Thanks for nothing, iPod!
3) Counting Crows, “Speedway” – I just came to a realization. Why worry about burning my indie cred? It’s not like I had any in the first place. With that in mind, buy me a beer sometime and I’ll give you my dissertation on why “This Desert Life” is of one my all-time favorite LPs.
4) Floyd Cramer, “Last Date” - Right up there with “Sleepwalk” (Santos & Jonny stizz) as one of my all-time fave instrumental jams.
5) Oasis, “Live Forever” – Bonehead and Guigsy, may you rest in peace.

CAPTION THIS! Will Ferr-yells

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Caption This! brought to you by Stranger Than Fiction, in theaters November 10th.
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“GET OFF THE SHED!!!! I WILL DOUSE YOU IN GASOLINE AND LIGHT ON YOU FIRE LIKE THAT BUDDHIST MONK IN VIETNAM IF YOU DON’T GET OFF THAT DAMN SHED!”

Your turn. Leave your best Will Ferrell Captions in the Comments now!

ICYMI: Hilarious 911!

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I’ve always thought that Comedy Central’s Reno 911! was a hit-and-miss show capable of being either boring or hilarious. But by the looks of this trailer, the Miami-based movie version seems to fall firmly in the latter category. Could this be most hilarious thing to happen to cop comedies since Steve Guttenberg last donned his patrolman Blues?

(via DeadFrog)

SIMI-LEBRITIES: Salt N’ Peppa Edition

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We’ve put together four Simi-lebrities for your perusal, who all have the distinguishing feature of looking older than they actually are thanks to their seasoned hair coloring.

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Ted Danson & Bob Barker

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American Idol‘s Taylor Hicks and America’s Sweetheart Bea Arthur

Read more…

Kevin Demands Doritos, Your Continued Attention

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federlineex.jpgThe document wranglers over at The Smoking Gun have obtained a copy of Kevin Federline’s Hospitality Rider, which lists his various demands for the backstage area of his under-attended live performances. While the contents are not particularly surprising (Doritos, cigarettes, Vodka & Red Bull, etc.), what you might not know is this is only the FIRST page of the rider. Through our shadowy network of backstage operatives, BWE.tv has managed to obtain the SECOND page of the document, from which we will share a few of K-Fed’s additional demands:

KEVIN REQUIRES:

A minimum of fifty (50) audience members, paying or otherwise; AND
At least three (3) of which who genuinely want to be there and swear they are not attending to be ironic or funny
One (1) more chance to change Britney’s mind; OR
One (1) capable Divorce Lawyer willing to work pro bono, or in exchange for royalties from sale of future rap songs; OR
One (1) female with functioning genitalia who will voluntarily pleasure Kevin; OR
One (1) paid female escort who will pleasure Kevin for compensation
; OR
One (1) porno movie, with no plot, and a few weeks’ worth of Kleenex

ABSOLUTELY NO:

Heckling, Name-Calling, Insult-Hurling, or Any Other Verbal or Physical Abuse
Fed-Ex packages or logos anywhere, ever
Challenges to Battle by means of Rapping
Posting negative reviews of the show on Craigslist
Use of the phrase “Vanilla Ice”
Discussion of Kevin’s future plans
Text messaging of any sort

Salma Hayek Is Just Taunting Us Now

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salmahayek2.jpgYesterday we posted a picture from Salma’s recent appearance on Ugly Betty. The high definition image, courtesy of MetaDish, has basically rendered us incompetent and unable to complete simple sentences. However, after almost 24 straight hours of staring at it like one of those stupid Magic Eye pictures at a mall kiosk, we were ready to move on. And then this happened:

Taxi Driver Movie.com has a few pictures of Salma stripping her shirt off while trying on clothes. Come on now, Salma. Now you’re just being mean. I never thought I’d say this, but seriously Salma, please just keep your shirt on. How are we expected to go on with our day if you keep disrobing in public? Seriously. Just stop. You’re gonna get me fired.