Michael Richards- Don’t Forget: Life Is Like a Mop


stanleyspadowski.jpgThis isn’t going to be an easy time for Michael Richards. Hey- the guy effed up, he deserves what he gets. But as longtime Seinfeld fans we’d be remiss not to at least offer him some good advice. Some good advice from Stanley Spadowski:

Sometimes you just hafta take what life gives you. ‘Cause life is like a mop, and sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff. Well, you, you gotta clean it out! You gotta put it in here and rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad that a mop is not good enough, a mop isn’t good enough. You gotta get down there with a, with a toothbrush ya know! You gotta scrub, you gotta get it all off, you gotta really try to get it all off. And if that doesn’t work, you can’t give up! You gotta stand right up, run to the window and say: “Hey! The floors are dirty as hell, and I’m not gonna take this anymore!!”

C’mon, you knew we were going to pull something from UHF, didn’t you? It was either this, or dig deeper into the “you get to drink from the firehose!” line. I think we made the right choice.

CINEMA’S GOLDEN AGE: The Penguins March On


happyfeet.jpg1. This inevitable blockbuster combines America’s deep-seeded love for penguins with its burning passion for movies about CGI-animated animals who sound like celebrities, resulting in an unholy alchemy of powerful forces colliding together to create a movie so magnetic that every man, woman, and child in this country has no choice but to see it – $42.3 million

2. “The name’s Bond. James Bond.” “Uh, yeah, that’s cool – but if you’re not a computer-generated penguin named Flippy who sounds like Gilbert Gottfried and slips around hilariously on ice a lot, we don’t really give a sh*t” – $40.6 million

3. On the food chain of outraged people trying to sue Borat, we’re down to…racist rodeo clowns and Mothers Against Not Using Penguins In Movies – $14.3 million

4. F*ck Santa Claus, you know who else lives in the North Pole? Penguins – $8.2 million

5. For the sequel, the producers are already conducting extensive research to determine whether or not penguins could realistically exist in underground sewer cities – $6.8 million

That Kramer is One Wacky Racist!


You know it’s going to be an interesting week when the first story you see on TMZ.com begins with: Warning: What You Are About To See Is Profane And Racial.

Michael Richards, you know him as the loveable Kramer, lost his mind at a recent stand-up gig. He didn’t lose it in the Kramer’s-so-crazy! kind of way we’d expect. No. It was more the oh-my-God-did-he-really-call-that-guy-the N-word-repeatedly? kind of way.

Check out the video on TMZ or watch the news report below. The countdown to Richards’ inevitable “I have a problem with alcohol” press conference has begun.

While You Were Saying, “I Do (Believe In An Intergalactic Alien Warlord Named Xexu)”



  • If there’s one gift you need to get your kid this holiday season, it’s the Lindsay Lohan doll. Comes with a fur coat, velvet rope, and her own “SUV party limo” with a hot tub and a bar. Recommended for ages 6-12 (seriously). Years of therapy to undo the severe warping of your child’s values system not included.
  • It’s been a long road of couch-jumping, faux declarations of love, doing handstands on motorcycles, impregnation, child-birth, brokering of said child’s pictures, soccer practices and so on, and now, finally, Tom Cruise has married Katie Holmes. Do you believe him NOW? Here’s a picture. How about now? Me either.
  • Rod Stewart’s daughter Kimberly is insisting to the press that she does not have a serious liver disease from drinking too much, as her dad had previously reported, and that for future media attention reference, we should listen only to her publicist, and not her father, who has a big mouth, and god I need a drink right now.
  • Michael Richards, the actor who played TV’s beloved Kramer on Seinfeld, launched into a shocking and horrifying racial tirade during a recent stand-up comedy performance. I guess this is kind of like The Soup Nazi, except way more disturbing, way less soupy and, you know, for real.
  • And thus concludes another weekend, another celebrity wedding, and of course, another Paris Hilton nipple emancipation.

Best Of The Best Week Ever


For that and so much more, make sure you tune into Best Week Ever tonight at 11 (and all weekend long.) In the words of Aerosmith, from that cheesy movie that’s about to become a reality, you don’t want to miss a thing.

ICYMI: Dr. Meth Is Ready To See You Now


Please take 12 seconds out of your day to watch President Bush speaking at a memorial ceremony for Dr. Martin Luther King, and then imagine what the world would be like if it would’ve been Dr. Meth who “had a dream.”

(Link via Video Dog)