Celebrity Converts: Jesus 1, Tom Cruise 0

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tc.jpgTom Cruise has been actively recruiting Hollywood super-couple Brangelina ever since they had their baby. He’s offered Angelina humanitarian awards, and Brad paternal advice. He’s even lent the couple his private jet. But no matter what he does, beautiful, successful, emotionally-fulfilled Brangelina just won’t join Scientology.

Of course they won’t, they don’t need to. Tom’s heart’s in the right place, but he’s going about things in the wrong way. Every religious leader knows the best converts are people in crisis. Just ask Jesus, he’s already got his celebrity quota in the bag. Today drug-addled rehab-bound Pete Doherty told press he’s been talking to the big C, who told him to “pull himself together and repent his sins.” Now that’s the what we’re talking about, Tom, tough love on down-and-out celebrities. That’s the only way to play this crazy religion game. It also couldn’t hurt to drop the whole the alien thing. It’s kind of creeping people out.

LISTEN UP: BWE’s Daily Dose of the Best Music Ever

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  • It’s no “Crazy In Love” but it’s damn good. Checkerboard Chimes has Beyonce’s new single “Deja Vu”. Listen to it if you’ve forgotten how great Jay-Z is (he’ll remind you about 2 seconds in.)
  • Yeti Don’t Dance has a great cover of George Michael’s “Faith” today by The Boy Least Likely To. It’s roughly 10,000 better than the Limp Bizkit one (give or take).
  • Indieblogheaven posted a couple of tracks off the new Futureheads album that everybody seems to love. Go love it too.
  • Mp3 Hugger is all about the 12 months of the year, with tracks by Fiona Apple (“Pale September”), Band of Horses (“St. Augustine”) and so much more.
  • And finally, You Ain’t No Picasso has two tracks from Pitchfork’s favorite band of the week, the Evangelicals. Download them quick, before Pitchfork decides they’re “so over.”

BWE EXCLUSIVE: John Mayer Puts Down Guitar, Stands Up

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stand up.jpgWhen John Mayer dropped by Chappelle’s Show during its second season you couldn’t help but gain a new respect for the man. Sure, his lyrics to “Your Body Is A Wonderland” were funny; but seeing him hold his own with Dave made you realize that John could be intentionally funny as well.

So how funny is John, exactly? Well, if you’re in New York you can find out tonight. I was just tipped off by an anonymous BWE comedian (okay, it was Sherrod Small) that John is dropping by The Comedy Cellar tonight to try his hand at stand-up comedy. He’ll be hitting up the 11 o’clock show; so if you’re a hot, young female fan you should leave your boyfriend at home and head on down to MacDougal Street and check it out.

That last part was Sherrod’s idea, of course.

Update: Mayer says he’s not doing standup tonight:

Someone got very excited when I said “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
I won’t ever get on stage at a comedy club when people know about it.
Quite simply, I can’t defend it. Don’t want to, either.
Just want to attack a new learning curve, and a different form of observation.
I like sucking at something I love. Keeps it honest.
This is some Rosie O. haiku shit, huh.

Is anyone going? Did he or didn’t he?

Move over Cathy, K-Fed’s an Even Bigger Choc-a-Holic!

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Chocaholism is something that’s affected some the greatest talents of our generations. From Cathy to Caroline Rhea, some folks are married to a sweet, brown lover they call chocolate. Unfortunately, it looks like Kevin Federline is the latest victim of this disease (because it is a disease, you know).

BWE has obtained this revealing photo of K-Fed during a recent outing with his dog in Malibu and it proves that Kevin’s problems run deeper than we thought. He’s clearly downing Yoo-Hoo in the middle of the day. When you see a grown man sipping the malted chocolate beverage from a can on a hot summer’s day, you can’t help but feel sad, and a little nauseous. Before you know it, he’ll be stashing empty packets of Ho-Ho’s in his pockets and doing lines of powdered NesCafe. There’s no telling how many lives he’ll destroy in the process. Or worse yet, how many embroidered pillows he’ll inspire.

SIZZLER: Mandy Breaks Braff’s Heart, Vinnie Chase Style

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zachmandy.jpgWord on the street (and by street, I mean PR Newswire) is that Hollywood’s cutest pseudo-hipster couple – Zach Braff and Mandy Moore – have just taken up residence in Splitsville. For Mandy, this is sort of like life imitating art (and by art, I mean her character on Entourage last season brutally dumping young movie star Vincent Chase, sending him into a spiral of misery and shame). But hopefully Braff will handle the heartbreak a little better – after all, he does have an iPod full of life-changing consolation music from The Shins, as well as stacks and stacks of unopened Urban Outfitters Music Sampler CDs from which he was planning on selecting the tracks for his next film’s soundtrack. Keep your chin up, bro.

SIZZLER: Brit Making Sacred Pilgrimage to Namibia?

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britneybelly.jpgIn her eagerly-awaited exclusive interview with Matt Lauer, Britney Spears reportedly reveals that she’s heard stories told of a mythical land in Africa that provides safe haven for paparazzi-plagued celebrities who seek a quiet place in which they may give birth peacefully. Legend has it that this lush desert utopia welcomes the internationally famous with open arms and closed cameras; that cool streams of FIJI water flow throughout the luxurious, security-fortified compounds that are given away freely to superstars seeking shelter from the tabloid storm; that winged unicorns transport weary mothers-to-be around the Eden-like paradise whose trees bear fruit roll-ups (in both grape and strawberry flavors). Britney says she’s planning on delivering her next child in this magical haven, and even goes so far as whisper it’s sacred name: it is called Namibia.

ICYMI: Bush’s Blind Item of the Day

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During his press conference this morning, President Bush mocked reporter Peter Wallstein for asking a question with his shades on. Well, what the President didn’t realize at the time was that Mr. Wallsten is legally blind. I think this proves once and for all that George Bush doesn’t care about black blind people. Check it out here:

DVD Gifts For Famous Fathers!

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fathersday2.jpgLet’s face it, with the advent of sites like Amazon.com, gift shopping for mom and dad is easier than ever. As DVD’s have become an increasingly popular gift option for Father’s Day – they’re inexpensive, readily enjoyable, and choosing the right one can be an incredibly touching gesture – we thought we’d help out the children of Hollywood by selecting personalized film titles for the DVD libraries of Tinseltown’s dearest dads. Here they are:

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DVD: “Mr. Mom”
Dad It’s Perfect For: Ryan Phillippe
Why: Because this movie re-affirms the dignity of being a stay-at-home dad while your wife goes out and works to support the family.

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Romantic Gesture or Designer Tattoo?

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jasonp061306.jpgNow that boytoy Jason Preston broke up with his longtime boyfriend Marc Jacobs, he may want to get his Marc Jacobs tattoo removed. On the other hand, designer label tattoos are becoming increasingly cool these days. Just ask Josh Madden, the hipster-scenester-and brother of Good Charlotte-ster, who’s got both the Louis Vuitton and the Chanel label tattooed on his arm. So maybe Preston’s Marc Jacobs tattoo can be passed off as a cutting-edge hipster trend and not a romantic gesture after all. Hey, it could be worse. At least he didn’t do it with Arden B.

TomKat is The Most Nauseating Affectionate Couple In Hollywood

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tom katie.jpgWell, it’s official: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are really, totally, completely in love! They must be– how else could they have topped In Touch Magazine’s ‘Most Affectionate Couples’ list? The two are all about love and affection. Like when Tom jumped on the couch and stranged Oprah? Affectionate. When Katie distanced herself from her family and converted to Scientology to appease him? Completely affectionate. When they had a baby and Tom left to promote M:I3 the next day? 100% affectionate! Jesus, I’m jealous! Someday I hope to have what they have… now if only I had a publicist to help me fake find it.

1. Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes
2. Orlando Bloom & Kate Bosworth
3. Eva Longoria & Tony Parker
See the rest of the list by clicking below…
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