THE DAILY HASSLE: The Greatest Hoffline of All Time

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If you pay close attention to the career of The Hoff (and you should!), you will have observed that, in the realm of print news coverage, there are Headlines (say, “Teens ‘Egging On’ Foley in Online Sex Scandal”) and there are Hofflines (“David Hasselhoff: Princess Di Wanted Me”, for example), which address the various morsels of amazingness The Hoff and his crack team of publicity pros choose to share with the press, maybe or maybe not knowing full well that the sheer audacity of their claims will attract baffled posts from mind-blown bloggers such as this one. Anyways, this is the greatest Hoffline they have heretofore concocted:

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When asked to respond, K.I.T.T. shot back, “Oh yeah, well for the record, running all over a beach with a stupid floatie thing seems like something only a total faggot would do”, his lights flashing angrily.

THE DAILY DOUCHE: Wasted Away Again In Ecstasy-ville

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Jimmy-Buffett.jpgI don’t know if you kids already have weekend plans, but heading to the nearest body of water and sitting around on your buddy’s pontoon boat listening to “Cheeseburger In Paradise” while tripping your f*cking face off on ecstasy sure does sound like a great idea. But we can’t take credit for that little nugget of “good times” gold – the glory’s gotta go to our boy Jimmy Buffet, everyone’s favorite tropical bird head who was busted with 100 E pills, and thus deserves the honor of being named today’s Daily Douche! If we’re lucky he’ll hook up with Willie Nelson for 2007′s Psychedelic Geezers Tour!

How To Ask Out A Supermodel: Tip #1, Shave

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Fellaaaaaaahz! Ever gone out with your lady, and wished she would magically grow a foot and expose her spinal column to you? Well now you can toss that tiny beeznatch to the side, because you — yes, YOU! — are about to find out what it takes to ask out a supermodel. Take a look at the brave David Jr., who went directly to the coked-up source to get the goods. David’s chances of getting a model to date him are pretty great, as they can definitely smell the Big Mac in his beard.

GAMES: Prizes, Arquettes, and Baldwins, Oh My!

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baldwinthumbsup.JPGSo you waste your days reading the latest tabloid tripe on blogs like this one, but you occasionally wish there were a somehow productive application for all the inane celebrity knowledge you’ve accidentally acquired. Well kids, today is your lucky day because AOL has an (admittedly addictive) new online game called Gold Rush in which you can use your useless knowledge of pop culture trivia to win real money, like even a million dollars. Also you can access insanely surreal footage of an Arguette wearing drag whilst trying to “name that Baldwin”, which we’ve heard will be succeeded by Stephen Baldwin (probably wearing a WWJD bracelet) trying to “identify that Arquette”. Win lose or draw, that shit should be framed and hanging in the MoMA.

If Lindsay Lohan Put On A Few…

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lohan.jpgToday Cityrag points us over to this pretty funny yet ultimately disturbing Photoshop Contest over at Worth1000. It’s called Fasting Time, and it shows us what certain celebrities would look like if they were skeletal. Sorry– if they were more skeletal.

Speaking of contests, Congratulations to Eddie Tweed for winning our BWE Billy Bob’s Board For Scoundrels Photoshop Contest. Your $1 million check* is in the mail.

*or BWE T-shirt

The Office: Dr. Crentist Will See You Now

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DWIGHTSHRUTE.JPGLast night’s episode of The Office was ground-breaking. It proved that the writers, along with Steve Carell, have finally created the quintessential douchiest (and somehow likeable) character on television past and present. And it all happened when these four words were uttered: “Hug It Out, Bitch.” The famous line uttered by Ari Gold on Entourage, the line that has defined douchey men for the past two years now. Round of applause for the attention to Massengil detail, writers.

Three episodes into season three, the storylines are blossoming. Jim has a new love interest in Scranton, Karen (played by the daughter of Quincy Jones and Peggy Lipton, Rashida), who is kind of like a Pam 3000 — sophisticated, sexy but not without a sense of humor. Is JAM not meant to be? And Dwight and Michael had their first real breakdown of power last night. Their Peanut M&M showdown made us crave chocolate and conflict and dental insurance.

And, our usual reminder, peruse the generous deleted scenes on NBC.com. Thoughts on the episode or the season as a whole? Funny, Bad, or Building?

ICYMI: Bushes Stick Together!

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When somebody calls your son “the devil”, how do you respond? Well, if you’re former President George H.W. Bush, you go on Larry King Live and call him an “ass”. Oh snap! I’d be careful though, guys. Men have fought wars for less. Much… much less.

Get Your Foleys Straight!

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If there’s one thing douchebag Republican Congressman pedophile Mark Foley has taught us, it’s the importance of having the correct information, lest an innocent person (or an entire political party) have their reputation soiled by a scandal in which they actually played no part. So to clarify this confusing realm of politicians turned cybersex offenders, we’ve created the fun new game: Get Your Foleys Straight!